


Heck, the Witch Formerly Known as Warlock

by ModernWizard



Series: The Demon's Daughter [1]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: A gleaming coil of darkness filled with light, Angst with a Happy Ending, Because Heck is worrying about her parents, But he/she/they is/are kind of a clueless dolt so they have to get that sorted, But there are a lot of FEELS along the way, Chatlogs, Chatting & Messaging, Coming Out, Coming of Age, Correspondence, Crowley Loves Kids (Good Omens), Crowley is Good With Kids (Good Omens), Crowley the snake, Deaf, Deaf Character, Don't worry nothing bad happens to anyone especially not Heck, Epistolary, Gen, Genderfluid Crowley, Heck really likes creepy crawlies and Crowley approves, Heck really loves the ineffable snake no matter what he/she/they are calling themself, Heck the witch, Heck's amazing friends, Heck's anxious mom, Heck's clueless dad, Heck's semi-doofusy but ultimately supportive auxiliary parents, However I am the ANGST MASTER, Letters, M/M, Mostly it's just a lot of WUVS, Nanny Ashtoreth is my favorite character!, Nanny the snake, Original Wiccan Characters, POV Warlock Dowling, Trans Warlock, Trans Warlock Dowling, Wicca, so there we go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-13
Updated: 2019-08-26
Packaged: 2020-06-27 13:20:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 56
Words: 68,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19791709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ModernWizard/pseuds/ModernWizard
Summary: [In which Heck is 18.] Hecate "Heck" Frances Ashtoreth Dowling, the witch formerly known as Warlock, is now about eighteen and worrying about what to do with her life. She pours her heart out into a letter to Nanny Ashtoreth, but deletes a lot of it and throws it away. Somehow Nanny writes back, responding to everything, including the deleted bits. Their correspondence leads to an online chat with Heck, Crowley, and Aziraphale. The angel and the demon reveal the truth about the Apocawhoops, sending Heck into an existential crisis. Further chats occur while Heck tries to make sense of everything. Eventually Heck, Crowley, and Aziraphale meet up in a cafe. Cluelessness, awkwardness, and angst occur, but WUVS rule the day. Also Crowley is not crying. There's just something in his eye. And don't worry -- Heck finally reunites in person with her beloved Nanny too [because genderfluid Crowley is apparently much more interesting, entertaining, and just plain cool than I ever expected].





	1. Love, Heck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck has no idea what she wants to do with her life, so she pours out her soul in a letter to Nanny Ashtoreth, deletes most of it, then throws the whole thing in the trash.

~~To Miss Ashtoreth:~~

~~To Ms. Ashtoreth:~~

~~To Nancy Ashtoreth:~~

~~Hello, Ms. Ashtoreth!~~

~~Hi, Nancy!~~

~~Dear Nancy,~~

Dear Nanny — 

~~You’re probably wondering who I am~~

~~Maybe you don’t even want to remember~~

~~I bet I was just another spoiled brat to you, but~~

I’m sure you don’t remember me, but I was ~~a real pain in the ass for nine years~~ ~~a jerk who didn’t appreciate~~ ~~a really angry and unhappy kid~~ your temporary daughter (at least for a few years).

My parents are Thaddeus J. Dowling, American cultural attaché, and Harriet E. Coopersmith (she’s using her maiden name now after the divorce), world affairs columnist for _The Imperialist Observer._ You and Francis looked after me when I was growing up in Upper Tadfield because my mom and dad were too busy ~~snarking on each other~~ ~~looking good for the camera~~ ~~setting me up for a lifetime of therapy~~ working.

I was going by Warlock then, but I’m actually not a Warlock at all. I’m not even a warlock either. My name is Hecate Frances Ashtoreth Dowling, and I’m a witch! ~~I know it’s long and kind of pretentious, so~~ ~~My friends can’t really pronounce _Hecate_ ~~ You can call me _Heck_ for short.

Just to make it clear, I’m a ~~solitary practitioner~~ ~~lonely~~ ~~secret~~ Wiccan kind of witch. Wicca is a polytheistic, nature-based religion ~~because non-human animals are so much easier to deal with than humans~~ about connecting with the earth and your own power ~~and not about zapping people with spells~~ . There is magic, like the wonder and magic of all creation, but I’m not using it to make people do things. The enchantments are just specific rituals and tools you can use to talk to or listen to things in the universe. It just makes more sense to me than ~~some dead white guy flying around in the clouds~~ the ~~nonsense~~ church I grew up with. ~~I still haven’t figured out how to tell my parents, though, even though they’re the least religious people in the world. Plus I have to wonder if the universe is listening sometimes, though.~~

In some ways, not much has changed. We’re in New York now, though I live with my mom. But my dad is still ~~a workaholic dope~~ ~~obsessed with a son he never had~~ ~~totally clueless~~ kind of absentminded, but he means well. My mom is still ~~a perfectionist~~ ~~a super worrywart~~ ~~bothered by the littlest things~~ really intense. 

~~I can’t wait till I graduate from high school and escape the anxiety fishbowl.~~ I’m really looking forward to going to college next year ~~even though I have no idea what to do with the rest of my life~~. My dad thinks I’d make a great politician; my mom’s pushing me to become a writer, but ~~I’m only eighteen, so how in the me am I supposed to make a decision that's going to affect everything I do from then on?~~ I think I want to keep my options open. 

~~Maybe I can just rehabilitate snakes. Is that even a thing? It would be so cool just to help out such strong, amazing, beautiful animals like that all day, and I would never have to worry about them judging me.~~

I still ~~check out the caecilians at the zoo every week~~ ~~watch slugs~~ ~~rescue would-be roadkill~~ like creepy crawlies, especially snakes like ~~you~~ the massive cobras and constrictors and pythons. ~~You’re~~ They're so chill; they do whatever they want at their own pace, on their own time, and no one messes with them. And they change so easily; they break out of their old skins and wriggle away in new ones. I know it’s not easy; it takes effort, but they can do it naturally ~~without disappointing their parents~~ as just part of their life. 

You can do that too. I know because I saw you once at night in the garden talking to Francis. It was the summer I was five. That was the day I threw the huge fit because my mom and dad took the slug house out of my room and into the back yard because it was “an image problem” or something. 

I remember wanting to punch the entire world, so I was kicking you, and you were like, “Just a moment, young hellspawn — it’s time for your periodic reminder about indiscriminate violence and conflict resolution. Direct your rage toward those who deserve it: the people who have wronged you. Kick _them;_ pummel _them;_ hurt _them._ Then you will triumph, and no one will dare to harass you again. And don’t ever go for the blazer again. Do you know how much it costs to have this dry cleaned?”

Anyway, I stopped right away. I always wondered why you told me that stuff about hating and hurting because you never seemed to believe it. For all the messed-up lullabies and concealed weapons and weird eyeballs, you were never mean or gross or creepy. You were strict and uptight and strange ~~and doing weird things with the gardener when no one was looking~~ , but mostly you were just you.

And you were good to everyone, not just to me and my parents because they hired you. You glared at the kids who were smashing mailboxes and somehow inspired them to replace everything. You did something with one of your eyebrows, and then the butcher never cheated anyone again. You let the neighborhood kids use all your makeup for Halloween and gave that weird black lace thing to our chef’s daughter when her wedding dress was ruined. And you always said you didn’t have a sense of humor, but it was just really, really deadpan. 

You tried really hard to come off evil, but you were mostly just Goth, now that I think about it.

~~And you were the only one who ever held me still, even when I was freaking out, and really looked at me. I could see your eyes moving behind your sunglasses, just a flicker of light in the deepest darkness. Then, slowly, everything was okay. I wasn’t angry anymore. The darkness was good, and the light was good, and you were good, and I was good because you would always look at me and see me and know me, even when no one else did.~~

So, after I threw a tantrum, you were telling Francis about it that night. You were so upset that you kept taking off your hat and your gloves, which you never did at all, and putting them back on again. Finally you said, “My child — !” Your voice broke. I think you were crying.

Then Francis touched your shoulder, and something about that made you break. You shed your skin and became something different. You were a black coil of gleaming darkness, a snake as big around as my dad and I don’t know how long. You had wings like a swan’s. The feathers looked as sharp as scales, and your scales looked as soft as feathers. You looked strange — so strong and old, like you’d been around for thousands of years. 

But you were still you. If anything, you were more you than you had been before. I could tell because of your eyes. I figured out then why you wore sunglasses all the time: because your eyes were made out of light. You were made out of darkness, and there was so much light inside you that you were scared that you’d hurt people with it or chase them away. So you hid.

~~You’re so beautiful. I wish I could~~

~~Why did you leave?~~

~~Did I do something~~

~~Where did you go?~~

You don’t have to hide. I’m not scared of you. I never was. I know who you are, and I ~~love~~ like you that way. You can be yourself with me, your whole self.

~~Your light won’t hurt me; I promise. I’ve seen it before, and it never burned me. It just made everything clear. I’ve always wanted to see it again. Your darkness and your light are the best parts of you. I love them both, and they’re both good.~~

~~How do I even finish~~

~~What else is there to~~

~~I hope to hear from you soon~~

~~I wish we could talk~~

~~Bye for now.~~

I miss you.

~~Best regards,~~

~~Sincerely,~~

~~Your friend,~~

Lots of love and blessed be,

~~Hecate F.A. Dowling~~

~~Hecate Dowling~~

~~Hecate~~

Your Heck (the witch formerly known as Warlock)


	2. Nanny Writes Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanny replies to Heck's letter. She is not at all amused by the form of Heck's correspondence. She may, however, be touched by certain sentiments therein.

My damnable child,

I am quite dismayed at your negligence for the proper forms of correspondence. We reviewed those thoroughly when you were under my tutelage, yet you have abandoned them all. You make no quill from the bones of your enemies, nor dip your pen in the distilled tears of tardy repentance. You refuse to hail the Prince of Lies at any point in your message, and there isn’t a single sigil on your paper that looks even remotely sinister.

I expect much better from my hellspawn if we are to exchange missives.

Sulfurously,

Nanny

[ominous rune]

P.S. I am sorry to hear of your difficulties with your parents, but I am very pleased to know that my hellspawn is coming into her own! I always knew that you had a great curiosity and critical intelligence, along with the willingness to question received truths. I heartily endorse your interrogation of the mysteries of the universe with spells, rituals, or whatever means you deem necessary. The very Serpent of Temptation would commend your indefatigably human quest for knowledge. I feel confident in saying that because I am the Serpent of Temptation, but you figured that out already. 

On a slightly different subject, when you think about what you want to do with your life, it’s all a matter of balancing passion and practicality. In concrete terms, you can absolutely have a career in what you call “creepy crawlies.” As a naturalist, a ranger, a researcher, or even an animal control officer, you could devote your formidable talents to the planet’s most majestic and fascinating creatures. (We’re also undeniably cool. It comes from being cold-blooded.) Go for it!

P.S.S. Being Goth is a perfectly valid lifestyle choice, but you are wrong to think that I am only Goth. I’ll have you know that I’m actually quite evil. Really. I’m just very discreet about it. 

P.S.S.S. How do you know about the weird things I was doing with the gardener?!

P.S.S.S.S. If I was the person in your childhood who made you feel truly seen and known and peaceful and good, then I regret that I was the only one. I am, however, very honored to be just one of many, many people who recognize now or will recognize in the future what a horrible, accursed, fiendish person you are. 

P.S.S.S.S.S. Did you really mean that bit about how you were never scared of me and you loved both my darkness and my light?

P.S.S.S.S.S.S. Rest assured that you were always the little hellfire of my heart. My memories of you glow as warmly as coals in the pits of perdition. You never vexed me any more than any other child, and nothing you did caused me to leave. It was just a reassignment from the office down below. In any event, I will always listen to whatever you have to say, and I’m miserably, awfully, sinfully happy that we’re corresponding. 

P.P.P.whatever.S. Francis says I’m supposed to be repeating the Ps in these things, not the Ss. How was I ssssssssupposed to know?! Ss come naturally to me!


	3. What the Hell Are You Doing?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thrilled to hear back from Nanny, Heck wants to know how she and Francis are doing.

[pentacle] [pentacle] [pentacle] [pentacle] [goat] [goat] [goat]

Dear damn Nanny — 

You’ll have to settle for a drippy font printed in red. I don’t really have any enemies, and I go woozy at the sight of my own blood.

How did you even get this letter???? I ripped it up and threw it in the trash.

Have some more crabby-looking goats.

[goat] [goat] [goat] [goat] [goat] [goat] [goat] [goat] [goat]

Yours in blasphemy and sin and other stuff,

Heck the witch

P.S. Where are you even getting this business about me not knowing what to do with my life and loving your dark and your light both and me thinking that maybe I drove you away????? I typed it up, but then I erased it. Are you reading my mind???? This is embarrassing. It was just a guess that you were doing kinky stuff with Francis! I didn’t see anything like that! Honest!

P.P.S. I did mean it all, though, even the deleted parts that you weren’t supposed to see. You never scared me, and you always made me happy, all of you, the dark and the light. I’m so glad that I didn’t chase you off and that we’re writing and that I to have someone to talk to.

P.P.P.S. I don’t care what you say; you’re not evil. All you did was tell people to challenge the status quo. Just call yourself _the Snake of Critical Thinking_ and be done with it.

P.P.P.P.S. So you and Francis are together now? I knew it would happen eventually. I saw how you two were looking at each other. Congrats! Hurray! I’m so happy for you! How’s he doing? Is he still claiming that he has snails for relatives? Did you ever convince him to do anything about his teeth? How’s married life treating you? Please don’t ever tell me about any of the weird stuff you’re doing. 

P.P.P.P.P.S. Seriously, though, where the hell are you? It’s like you fell off the face of the earth. And what the hell are you doing these days? Still corrupting impressionable young brats? Maybe shilling for an apple orchard?


	4. The Serpent of Subversion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanny consents to correspond with Heck, even if Heck's letter format is a little lacking. Apologies, details, feelings, and descriptions of a glorious garden slip through into the postscripts.

My damnable child,

Even though you wield the symbols of our Evil Lord and Master with a distressing flippancy, you do technically follow the protocols I taught you. I will therefore write to you, on the condition that you show proper respect to the Devourer of Worlds and his symbols from now on.

As for how I received your message, you should know that Hell works in mysterious ways. It was an anti-miracle. A hellicle, if you will. Is that a word? If it isn’t, it should be.

Pardon me. I need to consult my Lexicon of Woe.

With cordial screams of everlasting torment,

N.

[ominous rune]

P.S. Please forgive me for reading the deleted parts of your letter. I saw the words appear and then disappear, but I thought it was just how humans wrote letters — a stream of consciousness, as it were. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to embarrass you. From now on, I’ll stick to reading the words that _stay_ on the paper.

P.P.S. I am _not_ the Critical Thinking Snake. It makes me sound like a maths problem, and I was always rubbish at numbers. I am _the Serpent of Subversion,_ thank you very much.

P.P.P.S. Yes, he and I are together — or maybe we were never really apart. His teeth have much improved, thank Satan, but they still have nothing on my fangs. He’s the same as ever, really: glowing with good humor like some sort of angelic light bulb, fussing about everything, flustering up easily, misplacing his flaming sword, and doing that disgustingly cute crinkly thing with his nose whenever he’s excited. Also snoring. Copiously.

P.P.S.S.S.P.Igiveup. As for my location, I am no longer in Hell on account of serious philosophical differences with upper management. In fact, we now live in Upper Tadfield. The angelic light bulb has established a special collections library with a cash register. (You can’t really call it a book shop because the amount of stock always grows, but nothing ever leaves.) He’s quite happy, puttering around in the stacks, chatting with long-dead authors. He always makes this funny little squeak, like he’s been poked in the wing, when I throw my voice and pretend to talk back.

I myself am cultivating the skills of a gardener. My garden is bordered with high, rough walls of black stone, along with thorns and burrs that keep stabbing me despite all the pruning. You walk in along the looping path, ducking under the branches of purple pain bush and around flowers of flesh that shine just like open viscera. At the center there’s a clearing with an ancient sacrificial altar. (It's really just a broken tombstone that I like to sun myself on. But some of the lichen looks a little like bloodstains. If you squint, I mean.)

Overhead the gallowswood trees claw against the sky, and the bonejays cry as if they’re sorry. At twilight the direflies flash with a sort of bruised light, and the grapes of wrath make everything smell drunk and burning. There are darling neon tree frogs that practically glow in the dark. Don’t ever touch them, though. You’ll accidentally rub your eyes, and the chemicals from their skin will make you hallucinate the collapse of time. (-3/10, a decidedly unpleasant amphibian-based state of consciousness, would not recommend.) It’s wonderfully, horrifically disturbing, and I’m very proud of it.

P.P.P.Q.R.S.T.U.V.W.X.Y.Z. Do you want to talk to me about breaking open and shedding your skin?


	5. Invitation to Pandemonium

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck proposes an online chat to Nanny. Nanny agrees and adds Heck to her fiends list.

Oh my gods oh my gods oh my gods, I’m crying here. How do you know???  _ How do you always know??? _

I do want to talk to you about that, so much, but like really talk. I can’t wait overnight for letters anymore. I need something in real time. Maybe not meeting up in person quite yet, but can we chat online? (Does Tadfield even have Internet? Haha.)

We could use Pandemonium. It’s a free text/voice/video web-based client that you can use from your phone or laptop or desktop or whatever. I’m HecateCreepyCrawly. Tell me who you are, and I can add you to my fiends list. (It’s a whole demonic theme. You’ll like it!) Then we can chat. 

How about 9 AM this Saturday my time? I think that’s like 2 PM yours.

\---

Pandemonium? Brilliant! I hate it! 9 AM/2 PM this Saturday works for me. I’m SubversiveSnark, so don’t forget to add me. You’re on my fiends list.


	6. Heck's Private Circle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck and Nanny chat in Pandemonium. Heck is crying, but Nanny is totally not. Nanny explains to Heck about her identities, which include Nanny, the snake, and Crowley, "a rather incoherent person of the male persuasion."

_You have created a private circle of hell._

**_SubversiveSnark_ ** _has joined your circle._

**SubversiveSnark:** Hello my dearest damnable child!

Erm...

Wait...

Hello my dear damnable young woman!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** nanny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ohgodsohgodsohgods is it really you?????????

**SubversiveSnark:** Well, of course it is!

Whatever form I’m in, I’m only ever myself.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** sorry, im

im just

im crying a bit here

**SubversiveSnark:** Don’t forget to dab with the tissues instead of wipe.

If you do it right, you can avoid having to re-apply your mascara.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** ohgodsohgodsohgods

it really is you, youre just the same

i can just like see you saying that

all serious and silly at once

i knew i missed you, but i didnt really realize how much until now

it just hit me, it kind of hurt

ow, haha

**SubversiveSnark:** I’m certainly not crying, because I’m much too demonic for sentiments like that.

Or too Goth. Whatever.

But I did miss you very much as well.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** goths totally cry!!!!!!!

we just do it while burning black candles at midnight and contemplating our own mortality

**SubversiveSnark:** How odd. There appears to be a small rain shower centered in the vicinity of my eyeballs. My glasses are fogging up. Let me compose myself.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay

what are you composing?

**SubversiveSnark:** _Dies Irae Part II: Now With Twice As Much Wrath!_

Ahem.

And now for a sudden tonal shift.

Yes, it’s really me, and...

Well...

On that note, I would like to mention something about identity.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** wow, okay, sorry, but thats a little fast for me

**SubversiveSnark:** Fast? I’m sorry?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** i mean, i dont think i can talk about shedding my skin just yet!

sorry, i do want to talk, just like i wrote 

but i need a little time before we hit that level, okay?

**SubversiveSnark:** Oh dear, oh no, I didn’t mean to scare you!

I wasn’t implying that we should talk about YOUR identity.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh okay phhhhhhhewwwwwwww!!!!!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** That would be much too forward of me, and you know that I am, of course, the personification of courtesy. (It comes from being perfect.)

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** what a relief!!!!!!!

so do you mean YOUR identity?

**SubversiveSnark:** Yes, my identities. Hmmmm, how best to explain it?

You already know that I have a few names.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yup!

nanny, nancy, serpent of subversion, various nicknames

basically anything except for snake of critical thinking haha

**SubversiveSnark:** What do you mean? Various nicknames?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** just some things francis called you

**SubversiveSnark:** How often did you eavesdrop on us, my dear damnable child?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** um

do i have to answer that?

**SubversiveSnark:** You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** Yeah, but you taught me to always tell the truth. 

**SubversiveSnark:** Really? Because I distinctly recall giving you tutorials in how to lie convincingly.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** but it was totally a case of “do as i do, not as i say”!!!!!!!!!

like when mrs goldwin wanted people to tell her how great her jewelry looked because she was rich and had no self esteem

everyone else was like, yeah yeah its amazing, because they wanted in on her garden party

but youd always look at it very carefully for a few seconds and then say something like, its truly an eye-catching pendant of a most unusual shape and striking design

and later youd tell me how you would have worn it better, but you never told her to her face that it was tacky

you always tell the truth, but carefully and nicely

so i cant lie to you!!!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** I’m slightly perturbed that you think I’m a role model of niceness. Hmph.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** dont worry, i also learned how to be goth and super badass from you

**SubversiveSnark:** Well then, that’s much better.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** so um i heard francis call you my lovely long lissome lady

and my darling debonair demoness and stuff like that

**SubversiveSnark:** Your spying methods were very effective! Horrible, awful, wretched, repulsive work! A truly hellish accomplishment. You do me proud.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh gods i should have known youd be happy about it!!!

youre so weird nanny

**SubversiveSnark:** It warms the cockles of my cold-blooded little demonic heart. Truly.

Anyway, about my identities, I have several names, which you know. I also have several forms.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** 1-- witchy lady with an umbrella with a stilleto in the handle

2-- big huge snake

3-- ???????????????

**SubversiveSnark:** I beg your pardon. I am certainly every inch a lady, but I have never been witchy.

I believe that adjective belongs to YOU, my dear damnable girl.

As for 3), there’s also another form and another name that I use with some regularity, but I don’t believe you’ve ever seen it.

3) is Anthony J. Crowley, a somewhat incoherent person of the male persuasion, with a penchant for Queen and extremely tight pants.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** so, correct me if im wrong, but it sounds like youre like genderfluid???

**SubversiveSnark:** What’s that? When your gender hasn’t fully set in the gelatin mold?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** haha, no you doofus its when your gender goes into different shapes and sometimes even different identities and names whenever you feel like changing

**SubversiveSnark:** Oh, I quite like that! Humans have such interesting labels for everything. 

It’s like water then, isn’t it, which can be a liquid, a gas, and two kinds of solid? It goes by different names in each state, and it has different traits, but it’s still H2O.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yeah yeah thats a good way of thinking about it

so like nanny would be ice, because youre sharp and clear

and snake would be snow, because youre shimmering and shining and undeniably cool

and crowley would be????????

**SubversiveSnark:** Maybe vapor? Because I do tend to gas on generally.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** haha!

so you express yourself different in different forms?

like nanny is coherent? and crowley is????? not?????

**SubversiveSnark:** Oh no, my dear, that was a (slight) exaggeration. 

It’s just easier for me to find words now than it is in other forms.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** huh wow thats so cool

you have like slightly different perspectives on things with different genders and stuff

but youre one person right, with the same knowledge in different forms???

not like multiples that dont necessarily know what the others are doing???

**SubversiveSnark:** Yes, there’s something of a shift in thinking styles that goes along with shifting other things. I’ve never figured out why, but the contents of the thoughts remain the same. Only the mode of expression changes. I’m definitely one person.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** youre a shapeshifter, thats so heckin cool!!!!!

and so useful too, if you need a different perspective on things, you can just change

so if its not too invasive to ask, what makes you change?

**SubversiveSnark:** It’s a matter of conscious control, although I may switch involuntarily if I’m upset.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** wow thats so!!!!! heckin!!!!! cool!!!!

not gonna lie, im just dying to meet crowley

but please dont think im pressuring you

but maybe i could meet him sometime??????

please??????? id really love to

okay, i need to calm down a bit

**SubversiveSnark:** You could meet him now if you wish. No pressure in the slightest.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay sure!!!!!!!!!

wow this is so cool, im soooooo excited!!!!!!!


	7. Crowley Enters Pandemonium

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck meets Crowley, who tells her about Aziraphale, his significant spousal sort of person. Also he admits why Nanny didn't tell Heck about him, which had nothing to do with the fact that he was a little scared. We learn that some genders have cup holders. And Aziraphale keeps trying to butt in on the chat.

**SubversiveSnark:** Hey, Crowley here

(I’m cracking my back, now I can LOUNGE, awww yisssss)

Ow, I might have dislocated something

Possibly my dignity

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** hi crowley!!!!!!!!!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** Hi right back atcha. I’m glad!!!!! you’re so glad!!!!!!!!!!! to see me

I feel like!!!!!!!! a celebrity!!!!!!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** dont hurt yourself with the back cracking okay

**SubversiveSnark:** Eh don’t worry about me, I’m VERY flexible

You should see what I can do with my jaw

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** haha!

**SubversiveSnark:** Aziraphale keeps telling me not to eat things bigger than my head

I swallowed a whole canteloupe for breakfast this morning, just to spite him

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** ohgodsohgodsohgods im so excited that i finally get to meet you!!!!!!!

sorry im just

wow!!!!!!!!!

and you are kind of different, not just with the gender

like more chill

**SubversiveSnark:** Yeah, I’m very kinky when I’m Nanny

Kinked up

Whatever

So now I’m working out the kinks

Wait a minute, just forget I said that, okay

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** haha, nope, no way

just dont tell me the kinks and well be fine

whos aziraphale?

**SubversiveSnark:** Oh right

Yeah

So

You know him as Francis, but his name’s actually Aziraphale

He’s my

Um

Ineffable other

Significant person

Spousal sort of individual

He really doesn’t do multiple forms

He’s just Aziraphale, and he’s a guy

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay, aziraphale, not francis

masculine pronouns, no other forms

okay

**SubversiveSnark:** You’ve been quiet for a bit

Maybe you’re in the bathroom?

Or getting a snack

Did I scare you?

You’d tell me, right?

Was it the kinky thing?

I meant less like kinky and more like

Tied up very tightly

Uggghhhh

I told you I’m so not good with words

You know what, I’m just going to stop now

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** no no, you didnt scare me

i know kink exists

im not mad at you or anything, but im just wondering, why did you wait till now to tell me?

you could have told me earlier

i would have listened

**SubversiveSnark:** Um

Okay

See

It was just more a matter of lag time

Like I could have written you a letter, but then I would have had to have had 

I would had to have have had to

Bollocks

I would have been waiting to hear from you, and I’m just bloody impatient

So I told you in chat, so you could get right back to me

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** it sounds like you were nervous how i might react???

**SubversiveSnark:** Well, you love your Nanny, and you trust her

And you were telling me such important things

I just wanted to be that person that you knew you could trust

Oh blessit blessit blessit

Did I blow it? I think I might have blown it

This really blows

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** but youre the same person, just with slightly different words and really tight pants

maybe im not familiar with how you look and sound and think, but i know who you are

you know this doesnt change anything, right?

i mean, its new to me

and itll take getting used to

but i really really really do mean everything i wrote in my letters

about you seeing me and me seeing you

and you being full of light and darkness and not evil at all

okay?

i know coming out is hard, even to people you trust

so i just want to make really really really clear that you’re a really good friend, and you still mean everything to me that you did before

**SubversiveSnark:** Sorry, just needed tissues

Lots of tissues

Must be allergies, my eyes started watering all at once

That’s cursedly sweet of you, hellspawn, thank you

You’re really very

Extremely

Um

To me too

Ugh

Words!!!!

They’re all kinky and tied up

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** haha, dont worry, i got it

so hows it going these days?

was it kind of weird to be nanny for like seven years and then shift?

**SubversiveSnark:** It’s good, it’s good, it’s really

Surprisingly really very

Um

Good

And easy

It’s not a big change, really, the gender thing

It’s like, you know, Nanny has automatic window rolly downy thingies

I’m doing the gesture but you can’t see it

And Crowley has like cup holders or something

Just some different features

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** wow i wish my gender had cup holders!!!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** Little hellspawn, your gender can have any features you want!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** little hellspawn

i havent heard that in a while

**SubversiveSnark:** Blessit, I probably shouldn’t have said little

You’re like 18 or something

Probably shouldn’t have said hellspawn either

Blessit blessit

You were so nice with me about the names, and here I am being all stupid about it

Sorry, what should I call you?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** heck

hellspawn is cool too, it takes me back

just not little hellspawn

i actually kind of like my dear damnable child too, but that seems much more nanny

**SubversiveSnark:** Okay so, Heck the big Hellspawn

And my dear damnable daughter is reserved for Nanny’s use

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** you got it!!!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** Seriously though most of the adjustment was learning to live with this weirdo

I mean Aziraphale

He won’t shut up

He sings in the shower, talks to his favorite books, narrates the recipe when he’s baking

Even talks in his sleep sometimes, which is rather embarrassing

Because his dreams are very

Uh

Interesting

And I keep thinking he’s talking to me

Right now he’s correcting my punctuation and grammar

Listen angel, language is a miraculous human invention

Full of creativity and flexibility and other stuff

It changes over time, there’s no right and wrong grammar

People just do it different ways

The rich tapestry of life and all

And my way just uses less periods so bugger off

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** haha

i think youre just pretending to complain 

just like pretending to be evil

no matter what your name is or your gender youre not evil!!!!!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** I’m incredibly evil

I’m just so incredibly subtle about it that I’ve cleverly fooled you into thinking I’m good

So there

Aziraphale says I’m devilishly good and in denial about it

I’m just ignoring him

Anyway, I didn’t let him read the letters, but I told him that you wrote and generally how you were doing

I told him that you wanted to see Nanny, but somehow he translated that into you wanting to see me (Crowley) and him

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh i do i do

oh gods yes, i want to meet you and him, both of you

i mean obviously i was closest to nanny

but both of you were like my auxiliary mom and dad or auxiliary dads, whatever

and i would love love love love love to see you!!!!!!!!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** Well good because he has been actually bouncing around behind me all this time, literally jumping on his toes

And sometimes he gets so excited that he actually starts hovering, like flying

He’s been saying You’ve told her, I hope, that we will be glad to render her aid in any capacity, right? and Oh please do tell her that I’ve missed her ever so much!

He’s dropping crepe crumbs on the keyboard

I’m about to spray him with the plant mister

Unfortunately he’s not a cat, so it doesn’t make him stop

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** haha try hissing at him

**SubversiveSnark:** He just pinches my cheek and says that’s so cute

  
**HecateCreepyCrawly:** Aziraphale, do you want


	8. The Witch, The Angel, and the Demon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale joins Heck and Crowley in Pandemonium. The ineffable doofuses spend most of the time insisting that they were each the dominant influence in Heck's life, much to Heck's amusement. Crowley comes down with THE GENDERS and tries to spread them to Aziraphale. Aziraphale insists on telling Heck the truth about everything, including angels, demons, God, and the Apocalypse.

**_PrincipallyAziraphale_** _has joined your private circle._

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Hello, my dear girl! It’s such a pleasure to speak with you again! 

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** good gods, how did you get in here????

i didnt even finish inviting you!!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** Miracle

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** anyway!!!!!!

aziraphale!!!

hi!!!!!!!! im just

im so

this is so exciting!!!!!

youre both here!!!!!!!

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Yes, isn’t it marvelous? I’ve long been wondering how you were getting on. I’m thrilled that your faith brings you into greater communion with the beauty and interconnectedness of the cosmos. I like to pride myself in the thought that my lessons to you during your formative years so positively influenced your spiritual development.

**SubversiveSnark:** Actually it was me

I taught her about the coolness of non-human animals because I’m the coolest of non-human animals

So she’s basically a witch because I’m a snake

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** I refuse to dignify your logical fallacies with a response, my dear demonic dolt. I’m congratulating our daughter here. 

As for you, Heck, I’m very happy that you have become such a sensitive and kind-hearted young woman. Your moral development was, no doubt, a result of the compassion and respect for the sanctity of life that I so effectively modeled.

**SubversiveSnark:** that was still me

you never taught her to say something nice about an heiress’s costume jewelry when it actually looks like a big rhinestone wart

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh wow, you two are so married!!!!!! i love it

i cant get a word in edgewise though

so i just have to say this

i know i was closer to nanny than to you, but you still did so much for me, aziraphale

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Hark! Is that vindication breaking upon my ear?

**SubversiveSnark:** sorry, that was just me farting

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** i dont know if nanny or crowley told you, but i have a snail monastery and a slug nunnery

and all the snails are named like brother snail so and so, and all the slugs are sister so and so

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** You do? How clever! How delightful! Crowley, we must congratulate ourselves. We really have raised a child of unsurpassed originality, wit, and tenderness!

**SubversiveSnark:** Go hellspawn!!

And go me!!!!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** frankly i never remembered if the snails were supposed to be sisters and the slugs were supposed to be brothers

but i remember that you said every single non-human animal was part of your family, aziraphale, and you meant it

**SubversiveSnark:** They could be genderfluid little buggers

Maybe that’s why they have slime

It’s their genderfluid, get it?

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** You know, my dear boy, for someone who claims to be _rather incoherent_ when you’re not a lady, you do digress quite extensively.

**SubversiveSnark:** Heeeeeeeeeere coooooooooomes theeeeeee plaaaaaaaant miiiiiiiiiiister

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Bad demon! Bad!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** hey do you mind stopping flirting for a second?

its very cute but i have a question

is there any way we could actually get together?

face to face

**SubversiveSnark:** Sure, sure

We can just nip right over, find some cafe, do lunch

Wonder how the Bentley would handle on the Atlantic?

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** You take everything so fast! We need to make the proper arrangements.

**SubversiveSnark:** Oh

Um

Right

So hellspawn...who exactly do you want to see?

The angelic light bulb is definitely coming, but do you have a preference for me or Nanny?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** well i mean its your decision

youre the one with the genders

**SubversiveSnark:** Sounds like a disease

Yeah I need to take a sick day, I’m coming down with a touch of THE GENDERS

Nasty stuff that, transmissible by genderfluids, highly contagious

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** _Crowley, why are you licking me?_

**SubversiveSnark:** I’m spreading THE GENDERS

Obvs

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Pardon me, Heck. I need to subdue my spouse. 

There, much better.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** haha! but i asked him a question

how can he answer if you’re sitting on him?

**SubversiveSnark:** He’s graciously moving off of one hand so I can hunt and peck

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** do i have to pick one?

can i meet both?

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Hmmm, that’s an interesting proposition. I don’t think you’ve ever done that in public, have you, dear?

**SubversiveSnark:** Um

Yeah

No

I usually don’t channel surf, not when I’m out, at least

Like it’s usually one for a while, like a few hours or days or something, then another

So

Like

How about this

Gender mostly tends to happen when I wake up in the morning

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** ugh tell me about it

i always wake up feeling like a blob

and then i have to put myself into shape

clean up, fix up, cover up, make up

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Ugh, tell me about it. It’s particularly frustrating when one’s spouse occupies the bathroom for an inordinate amount of time.

**SubversiveSnark:** So let’s see who I am that day

So if you can deal with the suspense, it’ll either be Nanny or Crowley

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay that sounds like it would be best for you, so that’s good

either way i see you and aziraphale again!!!!!!!!

hooray!!!!! this is heckin amazing!!!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** Just a minute, angel

You can't complain about me in the bathroom

You have a whole entire room with all your clothes, and ties, and shoes, and those morbid stands that look like they’ve been guillotined and then had their arms and legs amputated! 

You’ve got 18-way mirrors, and lightning that mimics the time of day in 8 time zones, and a whole counter full of appliances that do highly specific things that I’ve never thought of, and at least two sinks

I’m pretty sure you can let me have the bathroom for an hour or two

Hey, hellspawn, how does this Saturday look for you? We’re wide open

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** My dear boy, whatever are you thinking? We haven’t yet disclosed everything to the young woman, and I really must insist that she be properly informed about who and what we are before she consents to a reunion.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** um everything?

what do you mean?

there’s more?????

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Well, you see — what Crowley has neglected to tell you is that he and I are angels… Actually, I’m an angel, a principality, and he’s a current demon, but a former angel, and… Oh dear. I’m very sorry, Crowley, that I called you an angel. It’s just that you’re so celestially adorable and

**SubversiveSnark:** Say something about my irresistibly demonic good looks and I’ll forgive you

Maybe

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** devilishly handsome that I just… Well, this _ineffable_ feeling comes over me, so you’ll have to pardon me if I slip up on occasion.

Anyway, where was I? Yes, so I’m an angel from Heaven, and he’s a demon from Hell

**SubversiveSnark:** FORMERLY from Heaven and Hell

Now we’ve just pissed off the head offices so much that we’ve gone rogue

No, independent

No, freelance

Yeah, freelance

Sounds cooler

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Will you please stop interrupting me? You’re interfering with my train of thought _and_ my punctuation! In any event, we were monitoring you because we thought you were the Adversary who was going to bring about the End of Days

**SubversiveSnark:** But you’re NOT, Heck, you’re absolutely NOT the Adversary

You’re just a cool kid who had the misfortune of being pestered by some angelic and demonic dolts because of a minor clerical error

Just a little bureaucratic mixup

But anyway don’t worry about the Adversary or the Apocalypse or anything

The angel and I got it all sorted

Everything is shipshape and tickety poo

World’s not ending, no Adversary taking over, no death and damnation

Well okay yes, the world is going to end eventually and people are going to die

It’s one of those laws of thermos dynamics

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** That’s _thermodynamics._ The second law states

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** waitwaitwaitwait

angels and demons and god and apocalypses?????????

just one god wtf????????

can you maybe go slower?

and start from the beginning

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** So, in the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. But nothing was really formed yet, so it was more what you might call a void. It was a very deep void, and darkness was upon the face of the...uh...deep. God’s spirit moved over the waters, although I never quite understood how there could be waters to move over if it was just, you know, a deep dark void. Ahem. Anyway,

  
**SubversiveSnark:** Not THAT far back in the beginning, you dummy


	9. The Truth About Echnidas and Exorcisms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley hasn't heard from Heck in a while, so he writes to her. Topics covered included the real story behind echidnas, the chances of an exorcism working on Crowley, possession, a brilliant Satanic nun with a stutter, WUVS, and a demon's dubious theory of how human emotions work. Also ANGST.

Hey Heck — 

Look, I know you said you needed some time after all that, and you wanted to think, and you needed to focus with your crystals and your altar and stuff and just like talk to the universe, but it’s been like maybe a week, and I’m a touch worried, because that means that one of two things has happened.

1) The universe has you buttonholed in a corner at a cocktail party somewhere, and it’s been going blah blah blah at you nonstop for the past six days, sloshing you with wine from its glass as it waves its arms around, trying to convince you of **_The Real Truth About Echidnas,_ ** which involves secret genetic experiments and mad scientists (or at least mildly annoyed engineers), when everyone knows they’re just your average egg-laying mammal (the echidnas, not the engineers). (Also, baby echidnas are called puggles. Really! Isn’t that the cutest?)

2) You’re seriously looking into exorcisms. FYI, if you are, I should probably tell you something about that. (Don’t worry, no echidnas involved.) 

First of all, exorcisms only work if the demon in question is a) non-consensually occupying a human host and/or ii) kinda stupid. As for a), like Aziraphale said, him and me are incorporated on our own, which means this is actually my own flesh. I haven’t nicked it from anyone, because that would just be rude. The only time I ever possessed anyone, it was Sister Lilith Abadonette, and I asked first.

Actually, she asked me. It was 1106, and the Chattering Order of Our Imprecated Beryl had just formed. I was hanging around out of curiosity and also because I’d lately been discorporated. (It was an accident. Large amounts of mead were involved. Also a pair of cross-gartered hose. I don’t want to talk about it.) 

Sister Lilith Abadonette was the only one would could see me. She wanted to be a positively infernal Satanic, Chattering nun, but there was one problem. It wasn’t that she didn’t have opinions; she had more opinions in five minutes than I had in like five years. But she stuttered when she got excited, so all her thoughts tripped up in her mouth, which was really a shame, because she had great things to say. 

Anyway, she saw me and noticed that I had a way with words, insofar as I can usually get them out of my mouth (most of the time). (It’s just coming up with them in my head that takes some doing.) She asked me if I could possess her and help her work on making the actual words come out of her mouth. Meanwhile I was kind of thinking that maybe the gender of extremely opinionated nun could be a good fit, so I said sure!

So I taught Sister Lilith Abadonette this thing. I would go “Hmmmmmm” really deeply with her vocal cords before she said something, and that helped with 90% of her slip-ups. It was like the noise ironed out all the vocal potholes beforehand or something, which is a total trainwreck of a metaphor, but you get it, right? It was a hellicle!

Me, I decided pretty quickly that I was not an opinionated nun because it just seemed too LOUD. But I was very interested in how Sister Lilith Abadonette’s mind worked. It was very orderly, with all sorts of cut glass boxes that made rainbows go all along the walls. They were all the right size for the thoughts inside them, and they had wonderfully decorated labels that told exactly what was in them. 

It was kind of like WHOA because I could tell a lot of work went into keeping it as it was. But it was also like WOW because it was so lovely. She knew so much, and she knew exactly what she knew and what she didn’t know, and the boxes of the perfect shapes and the labels with the beautiful writing and the crystal reflections on the walls were just lovely. I started thinking that maybe I wasn’t so much a very loud nun as I could be a beautifully exact sort of young lady. (Okay, maybe not YOUNG young. But young at heart. Or something similar.) 

I’ve been scads of people and scads of genders, and they come in and go out as needed. But I think that was maybe the moment when I started to be Nanny.

Okay, so that was a tangent. But I’m not going to delete it in case you can read the deleted parts and I just confuse you. 

Back to the ii) about exorcism. A lot of this holy/unholy stuff works because you think it does. The placenta effect, right? If you’re a superstitious demon who’s grown up thinking that God and Christian priests are horrible, then you’re going to freak out if some guy in a collar and a robe is sticking a crucifix into your personal space and telling you to hit the bricks. (Most sensible people would be a bit bothered by that kind of aggressive behavior anyway, even if they weren’t demons.) Exorcism really only works if demons believe that God and Heaven et al. are scary.

Which I personally don’t. I can’t say that God and me are BFFs, but Heaven is just mostly a place. I know; I used to live there before I sauntered off. It was kind of boring to tell the truth. There are only so many ways to sing a hallelujah chorus before you start nodding off. Or maybe that was just me. 

Anyway...and God’s just like...God. She mostly just hangs out being all ineffable and stuff, and She never tried to dissolve me in holy water like CERTAIN ARSEHOLE EX-COWORKERS (looking at you, Beelzebub). I can’t say me and her are good. It’s just like Oh yeah, you exist. (I mean that’s what I say to Her. She’s not much of a talker to anyone, me or Aziraphale or anyone else.)

So what I’m trying to say is that, if you want to get rid of me, exorcism is probably not going to do anything.

—Crowley

P.S. What the heck (What the Heck?) is wrong, my dear hellspawn? When we signed off out of Pandemonium, Aziraphale was going on and on about how he could feel all the WUVS (that’s love, he’s just kinda sappy sometimes) coming from your messages. I have to trust him on that because I’m a demon, and I don’t get WUVS or happy vibes or whatnot the way he does.

Yeah, no, I wasn’t getting the warm fuzzies or whatever you want to call ‘em. I was picking up on all your **fear and anxiety.** Some of it was there from the beginning of the chat because you were nervous about talking to Nanny. And some of it was when Nanny was telling you about me because you were excited about meeting me, but you weren’t sure about liking me, and you didn’t want me to be too different from her. 

It all died down when Aziraphale came on, because he’s good at making people chill out. And when I told you that I wasn’t sure who you would meet, I didn’t get any upsetness from you at all. Phew! So I thought that maybe it was all cool.

But then all the **panic and worry** spiked up again when Aziraphale began att the beginning. And it wasn’t just panic either, **you were sad too.** It was like you were melting out of your solid self and **crying crying crying,** but all your tears were sharp and cut you. And I checked with Aziraphale, and he said that the WUVS were happening **at the same time** that you were crying crying crying (or feeling like you wanted to).

I don’t think that’s supposed to happen. Maybe it is, and I just don’t know enough about humans, but WUVS should make you feel happy, right? That’s what they do to me, but what do I know? I’m a demon.

Like maybe you feel sweaty and excited and a bit anxious because loving someone is scary and fun and new all at the same time. But you should mostly be happy that you’ve got someone to trust and talk to and torment and treat right (or wrong, if that’s the way you go). 

WUVS aren’t supposed to make you feel like you’re trapped down in the cold darkness without any stars and no one will help you because no one knows you’re there. Are they???

So did Aziraphale and me like do something weird to your emotions? I was telling him that I’d already told you a lot about my identities and stuff. I said maybe we should wait to mention the Apocalypse and all that? Give the hellspawn some time to switch gears? But he’s all about transparency and full disclosure and informed consent, and he doesn’t really THINK sometimes before he just jumps in. Silly angel. He didn’t listen.

Maybe there was a miracle and a hellicle at the same time, but, instead of canceling each other out, they did that thing when you take a drug and then more drugs, and then you’re like super drugged? It doesn’t cancel out, instead it makes a big mess with a lot more messiness than if you did the two drugs separately. 

I think we gave you a blast of too much angelic and demonic stuff all at once, and it must have broken your feelings. 

Oh hellspawn love, I’m so sorry.

I can fix it, I can fix it, okay, I know I can fix it? Just tell me how, and I’ll do it, I swear on anything and everything, I will. 

I swear on my garden. And Aziraphale’s special collections with cash register. And your slug nunnery. (Or was it snail nunnery?) I swear on everything that’s important.

I’ll fix it, I’ll make things better, really I will, just tell me how, okay?

I just don’t want to lose you again.


	10. The Cosmology of Heck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck [finally!] writes back to Crowley, explaining how she sees the universe. Nanny's stories of "witchy ladies" influence her a lot, as does her idea that it's this life right now that matters most. She calls bullshit on angels and demons influencing human actions, Satan's alleged obsession with a son, and Hell's idea of assisted reproduction. She thinks she's being lied to, and she misses Nanny.

Dear Crowley,

I don’t think I’ve ever been buttonholed by the universe. It sounds kind of nice, because then the universe would actually be acknowledging me. Even if it was going on about echidnas, I’d know that I had its attention. I’d have someone’s attention at any rate.

Talking to the universe is like talking to my parents. I can call on Persephone all I want, and go with this incense for tranquility, and those stones for clarity of purpose, and use all the invocations I’ve made so it doesn’t really sound like I’m begging for attention. But the response is always the same.

Everything goes on as it always has. My dad keeps asking me on fishing trips, even though I’ve told him I’m vegetarian. And my mom is convinced that something is really wrong with me, so she’s always reading books like _Strengthening the Mother-Son Bond,_ and not-so-subtly practicing the advice on me. I feel like a slug being poked at with a stick. And the universe is just...I don’t know. Napping maybe. Or it doesn’t care. Or I’m much too small of a piece in the grand scheme of things to be as important as I like to think I am.

I haven’t been a witch for very long, just since I was 15, but I’ve had different gods that I call on for different reasons.

I remember all the stories that Nanny told me about witchy ladies (she said eldritch, I say witchy), like the Irish banshee, who looks like a corpse and wails like the winter wind and causes nightmares, or the Filipino manananggal, who detaches at the waist and flies around at night, looking for fetuses to slurp out of people’s uteruses.

I always figured that people like the banshee and the manananggal got a bad rap because they were weird and they were women. Think about it. The banshee gives people a heads up so they have time to say goodbye and get their affairs in order. That’s actually really kind. And not everyone wants to be pregnant, so who’s to say that the manananggal isn’t helping someone out? There’s always more than one point of view, so you have to open your mind and think about the assumptions that hide in a story. That’s another thing I picked up from Nanny.

Anyway, I’m not Irish or Filipina, so I really can’t take someone else’s gods or witchy women, no matter how much I like them, if I don’t have any real claim to them. (That’s why I only went once to the coven down the street. It was a Beltane ritual, and they literally said that they were calling on some of the gods because they sounded cool. I snuck out during the dismissal of the directions and never went back.)

So I decided to go with Ancient Greek gods. No one is using them, so I can’t step on anyone’s toes, but they still have cultural power, so they’re like more present than some god I’ve never heard of. Like I invoked Tiresias (he has a magic staff with snakes around it that allows him to change genders) a lot when I was thinking about trans stuff. And I talked to Artemis (she has her hounds kill any guy who seeks her naked) when I was in my Why Are Teenage Boys So Gross? phase.

I’ve been invoking Persephone a lot these days. She’s Demeter’s daughter who supposedly got kidnapped by Hades. He ruled the underworld, and she was supposedly forced to marry him. 

But I’m thinking... What if she knew what she was getting into? Maybe she was curious about what was in the darkness, so Hades said he’d show her, and she went with him. 

Then she learned about secrets and sadness and strange things and shadows. She ate the apple of death, so that knowledge was part of her forever. 

Now she lives both up here and down there, and she knows that lightness is part of life, and so is darkness. Maybe people are scared of her because of what she knows.

I realized now that I imagine her looking very much like Nanny. She walks like she knows where she’s going, and she’s all covered in black, but there’s this bright, bright yellow light in her eyes. Part of you wants to look away, and part of you wants to stare at her forever and maybe even follow her.

Gods, I miss my Nanny.

I never really made up my mind about gods. Sometimes I thought that all of them existed. And then sometimes I thought that maybe gods weren’t real, but we invented them, so they became real because of our belief. Or I thought that it doesn’t matter if any gods are objectively, scientifically real, it’s how we talk to them and talk about them that counts. If we use them to become kinder and more considerate people, that’s good. If we use them to make excuses for being mean and selfish, then that’s bad.

You know, for a neo-pagan religion that has lots and lots of gods, Wicca isn’t necessarily obsessed with the gods themselves. It’s more about how you treat the earth and all living things and other people and yourself. “Do what you will, an it harm none.” That’s the Rede. There’s no commandment about having no gods before me and such. It’s just a piece of advice for people on how to live in the world and interact with things in a good way.

I’m not sure where I’m going with that. Maybe it’s like… Gods are as important as you make them, but they’re not the MOST important things in the universe. The important thing is that we’re alive, on this planet, right here, right now. We’re stuck with each other, so we should be respectful and helpful and nice to each other.

So now, everything is different???? I guess???? You’re telling me that there's only one god, and it’s God. It’s having a big feud with some devil for no apparent reason. If this planet is just a battleground for some supernatural tantrum, where does that leave the wonder and mystery of creation? It seems kind of pointless.

What about free will and individual autonomy and the power of choice? How does that fit in with angels and demons possessing people and making them do stuff? Does that mean that we can blame demons when we do bad stuff and avoid taking responsibility for our own crap? Why should we try doing anything if some angel’s just going to have his way with us anyway? It’s a very passive and disrespectful and insulting way to look at life.

And do you really expect me to believe in the whole concept of the son of the devil? Really???? Why does it have to be a SON? You told me that you two were unusual for angels and demons because you chose a definite body and a definite gender. Well, Aziraphale did, and you’re genderfluid, but the point is that heaven and hell obviously don’t have human ideas of gender identity or sexual differentiation or anything. So the idea that the devil is fixated on an evil SON is really illogical. If they’ve got any sense, the devil probably wants a human child, and who cares about the gender?

I don’t buy that there could be only one devil’s kid anyway. If what you said was true (which I kind of doubt) and the devil really wanted to make the adversary, wouldn’t they do it like assisted reproduction? You never try for a biological kid with just ONE egg or ONE sperm. You take multiple chances because you know that, statistically, some of them aren’t going to take. You’ve said that most of your average angels and demons aren’t that creative, and I get that, but don’t they know basic math and science? Or couldn’t they hire a human to run this fertility scheme for them? If the devil’s really that uninformed, I can see why this apocalypse thing never got off the ground. 

I don’t know. I think that maybe you’re lying to me. Not about being shapeshifting ineffable spouses who can fly and do magic and read deleted sentences and pick up emotions through chat windows. I believe that; I’ve seen that.

But all this stuff with God and the apocalypse just doesn’t make any sense. Sure, there were a bunch of weird things that went down maybe seven years ago. But we all know climate change has ramped up in the past few years. And sure, that guy Hastur LaVista in Megiddo thought that I had a hellhound up my sleeve, and he might have disappeared in a pillar of fire. But it was really hot that day, and mirages are a thing. That’s not really proof.

I think you’re lying to me because IT JUST DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE. Glorious web of creation, right? Amazing human spirit of invention, wonderful multiplicity of life in all its forms, or whatever Aziraphale was saying. 

And part of that invention is all the gods we’ve created out of all our different beliefs. And part of that multiplicity is all the different stories we make up and teach to each other. We live in a world full of possibility. The whole point is that we see things differently and even fight about it, but we all end up sharing this planet.

There can’t be just one god because there isn’t just one kind of people. There can’t be one creation and one apocalypse because there isn’t just one kind of story. We’re just like animals that learned how to ask questions, and there can’t be just one answer BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE BORING.

Why would you do that to me? Why would you just take all the amazingness out of the universe? Why would you take all the power and responsibility out of people’s own hands? Why would you tell me the so-called truth, but just make it so incredibly dull and boring and infantilizing and unimaginative? What am I supposed to say to that? What am I supposed to do with that information?

I don’t want to exorcize you. I don’t even want to talk to Persephone at this point. I’m scared and confused and angry, and I just need to talk to someone who understands.

I want my Nanny.

—Heck

P.S. I know that probably makes me sound like a spoiled brat. And I’m so sorry to keep talking about her when I’m talking to you. She just has this way of making everything seem clear and sensible and logical that I could really use right now.

And I know you’re the same person, but this time the difference is important somehow. I know her in a different way than I know you. We have a history, me and Nanny. It’s not like I don’t trust you, but I just met you!

P.P.S. I just realized that I’m basically telling you to go away because I want someone else. I bet you feel insulted. I feel like such a genderfluid-phobic dummy. That was very close-minded of me to say, and I’m really very sorry. Obviously whoever you are is up to you, not to me. Don’t listen to me. 

P.P.P.S. Frankly I just want to cross out everything, throw this whole thing in the shredder, and then run it through the blender, and then feed it to the pigeons, but I know you’d still get it. Gods, I’m so sorry, Crowley. 

I guess Nanny didn’t really teach me very much at all. 


	11. Lessons from Nanny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanny's letter to Heck includes an abject apology, hope of further communication, and a three-part lesson on demons, illustrating her effectiveness as a schoolmistress.

My dearest, most damnable daughter,

I regret burdening you with so much information at once. I understand why you’re angry, because that was very inconsiderate of me to dump all of that on you in one fell swoop. I understand why you feel grieved and confused, especially since what Aziraphale and I told you was drastically different from what you thought you knew. And I understand your hostility to the concept because it’s so different from how you analyze and understand the universe. I understand why you’re frustrated and overwhelmed. I’m very sorry for causing you such anguish. 

I will do whatever I can, in whatever manner you like, to talk to you, listen to you, explain to you, comfort you, or do whatever else you might need of me. Of course, we can address the implications of everything that Aziraphale and I talked about. I’ll wait on responding to your questions, though, until I hear from you about how you’d like to proceed (e.g., letter, chat, cross-examination, interrogation under thumbscrew).

Yours till Hell freezes over,

Nanny

[ominous rune]

P.S. You used to be well informed on the nature of demons, but your most recent missive shows that your knowledge is now in sad decline. I do believe you need some remedial education. Fortunately for you, I am quite the effective schoolmistress. (Cracks knuckles, also whip.)

**Lesson 1: Demons are resilient.** We’re made of stern stuff indeed. (We rather have to be, given the massive amount of heat and pressure in Hell.) We aren’t so easily offended as you might think. 

In other words, if, hypothetically, there is a demon who is both your Nanny and Crowley and some sort of flying snake made out of shadows, telling Crowley that you’d like to talk to Nanny will not hurt the demon’s feeling. Nor will it make the demon think that you are prejudiced against their genderfluids. 

In fact, it is very likely that the demon will be overjoyed that you still care for them. They could also go limp with relief that they did not irrevocably harm your emotional equilibrium. It is also possible that Nanny will shed a tear or two. (While Aziraphale loves her, she’s accustomed to intimidating humans, and she hasn’t ever been a human’s favorite before.) 

This is all strictly hypothetical, you understand. 

**Lesson 2: Demons are very susceptible to flattery.** We think highly of ourselves, though we suspect that our genius is rarely appreciated. Therefore, whenever we hear something that sounds even remotely like a compliment, we move closer to the source, hoping for more.

Translation: Because of your repeated comments on my many infamous virtues, you are now doomed. You will be haunted for the rest of your days by the infernal equivalent of a baby duck that you happened to feed once, so now it thinks you are the only dispenser of food in the universe.

**Lesson 3: Some demons (well, one) are as endearing as Heck.** This statement is not true for all demons, so choose your demon carefully. (This is assuming, of course, that you haven’t yet flattered your demon and gotten them quacking behind you.) 

Once you have chosen a demon (or a demon has chosen you), you will notice that they have at least three (3) notable traits, including A) a restlessly inquisitive mind, B) a sophisticated sense of humor, and C) a certain indefinable, but perceptible, aura of cool.

Like I said, they’re  **as lovable as Heck.**

Class dismissed! Now remember, child, there will be a quiz next Tuesday, so study up.


	12. The Damn Witchy Kid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck writes to her Mom From Hell, thanking her for her apology, emphasizing that she really wants to talk to NANNY about this, and being doofusy in the postscripts. As usual.

Dear Mom From Hell,

Thanks for apologizing. It really means a lot to me. I noticed that you didn’t say that you regretted telling me. And you didn’t say that any of what you told me was a lie. You were telling me the truth about what you were feeling and thinking, as usual, but carefully and politely. (Whoever guessed that a demon could be so diplomatic???) 

Anyway, I could tell that you respected me, and I really really really appreciate that, since it’s more than my family members do sometimes. (And they aren’t even from hell, so they can’t use that as an excuse!) Thank you.

I think I might have calmed down (a little) from my last letter, so I’m ready to talk again. Let’s just skip the thumbscrews and just do another Pandemonium chat.

Can we make sure it’s just me and you (Nanny) this time? I love Crowley, but you’re right, I’m not sure your thoughts are all so neatly lined up in their little crystal boxes when he’s around. And Aziraphale is wonderful for making everyone feel at ease, but you’re right too, he never shuts up (don’t tell him that!!!!!!). I need YOU, Nanny, and the Persephonic things you do.

This Sunday, 8 AM my time/1 PM yours?

Do what you will, an it harm none,

Heck, your damn witchy kid

P.S. Okay, okay, I learned my lessons, stop cracking that thing at me! 

P.P.S. Awwwww, so you cried (hypothetically, of course)? Got a little genderfluid in the eye there (ha ha)? Of course you’re my favorite supernatural entity!!!! You’re even one of my favorite people, human, non-human animal, or supernatural. 

P.P.P.S. Hmmmmm, I seem to have a little duckling quacking behind me, how cute! 

Oh gods, it has horns and a pitchfork AAIIIEEEEEE NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

P.P.P.P.S. Quiz next Tuesday, you say? Good to know, I’ll be sure to be violently ill all day.


	13. Hellmom Is Having a Moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley writes to Heck, excusing Nanny's silence and confirming the chat date between Heck and Nanny.

Hey Heck!

It’s me, Crowley. I’m writing because Nanny is A MESS (translation, she’s in a mild state of emotion, also her hat is 0.000000000000666 inches askew). Don’t worry, nothing bad, she just keeps murmuring “Mom from Hell!” and “Persephonic!” and “My damn witchy kid!” 

Then she goes sniff sniff sniff sniff, very briskly, like she does everything, and blot blot blot blot with the tissues, and shakes her head like she’s going to cheer up. Then she gets this extremely dopey little smile on her face, and she does the same thing all over again. That’s about as messy as she gets, which is not very messy at all. Tragically her amazing vocabulary has shrunk down to Damn child! and My little hellspawn!

She’s very happy right now, she’s never been anyone’s Hellmom before. I’m just telling you in case you thought she was sad or something. 

Of course I’m happy too but for once I’m the slightly more coherent one hahaha!

I suspect there are also lots of WUVS flying around and knocking her thoughts out of their boxes. Nasty little buggers, WUVS. They get into every crack of your life and muddle things up, but, if you can figure out how they can make you happy, then they make everything better, kind of like THE GENDERS.

I know you didn’t want me in on this conversation, so I’ll make this quick. You and her, 1 PM our time over here, is fine. The ineffable light bulb has agreed to keep his very chatty nose OUT of this one. I’m not sticking my tail in this either. It’s all you two.

I’ll make sure she sobers up and gets her words back before then.

Quack quack quack,

Crowley

P.S. Did you just admit to playing sick AND avoiding a quiz?!?! You must really like playing with fire. Maybe you’ve forgotten, but Nanny goes all DISCIPLINARY when things don’t go her way.

P.P.S. You are DEFINITELY a damn witchy kid. Makes me so proud!!!


	14. Down Into the Darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck and Nanny face the confusing depths of theological uncertainty. Heck describes her altar. Nanny wonders whether she's a Christian. Heck's ASL interpreter friend Arugula interrupts.

**_SubversiveSnark_ ** _ has entered your private circle. _

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** hey

**SubversiveSnark:** Hello, my dear damnable hellspawn. How are you feeling?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** maybe a bit calmer than when i first wrote????

i dunno

tired

**SubversiveSnark:** I’m really very sorry. What can I do?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** listen

ive just

ive got to

**SubversiveSnark:** …?

Yes?

**_HecateCreepyCrawly_ ** _ is offline. _

**SubversiveSnark:** Child? Are you there?

Hello?

Child?

I hope you haven’t run off. That would be very unlike you. 

No matter how often I exhorted you to run away from home in a fit of pique, you wouldn’t. You said, “Only if you’re going with me.”

Well, you seem to have vacated. I’m off to objurgate my ficus. I’ll check in from time to time to see if you have returned. 

I do hope you’re all right.

**_HecateCreepyCrawly_ ** _ is online. _

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** waitwaitwaitwait

im here, im here

my computer sneezed

objurgate my ficus haha

sounds dirty!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** Child!

You’re here!

For your information, I was about to SCOLD my benjamin FIG TREE. It drops leaves unless I give it the evil eye regularly.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** maybe it sheds because its scared of you

anyway after my computer sneezed, i thought i was going to barf, but i didnt

thatll teach me to joke about being violently ill, haha

**SubversiveSnark:** What’s going on with your health? Are you sick?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** nerves, just nerves

i was trying to prepare for this by doing a candle meditation for the past few nights but

**SubversiveSnark:** Oh? Tell me about it...

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** well its a meditation that i do

i put a cloth with a constellation map on my altar instead of the usual altar cloth

**SubversiveSnark:** Yes, you mentioned that you have an altar. Where is it? What does it look like?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** its the top of my bookcase, in my bedroom

usually i have a pride handkerchief for an altar cloth

and candles in different colors depending on what spells im working

some crystals and semiprecious stones

representations of the elements: earth, air, fire, water, quintessentia

**SubversiveSnark:** I thought that there were only four, traditionally speaking?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** well i kind of made the fifth one up

it means fifth element in latin

in english its the true nature of something

**SubversiveSnark:** Right, as in “The quintessence of my angel is love.”

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** awwww nanny!!! youre right

i think of quintessentia as the spirit of life, not anything divine, just life

and i usually have some notes or symbols to represent whatever im working on

**SubversiveSnark:** That sounds lovely.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** so, back to the candle meditation

i put the constellation cloth down

and a circular stone on my altar, that has a unicursal labyrinth engraved on it

thats basically a spiral, and it means getting to the center or the heart of things

and i have some black and white candles

they look like candy canes without color

black is for protection and defense, white is for mental clarity and peace

then i sit in front of my altar and focus on the candle flame

i call on persephone and ask her to guide me down into the darkness

step by step, deeper and deeper, until we reach the bottom

then i blow out the candle and try to sit with the silence

**SubversiveSnark:** You are making a safe environment for yourself to think about things that upset you. Excellent idea! Is it effective?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** noooooooooooo

i just sat there in the dark thinking

its dark down here and there are no answers!!!!!

then i felt like barfing again and had to lie down

**SubversiveSnark:** Oh, child. I didn’t realize until now how deeply Aziraphale and I disturbed you, but it seems that we have shaken you to your core.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** i wish i was like you

youve got it all figured out

i bet demons dont even barf

thats todays theological talking point haha

do demons have gag reflexes????

**SubversiveSnark:** Yes. Yes, we do.

And, for your information, I do not have everything figured out.

I work very hard, however, to project a sense of equanimity.

Would it help if I told you that I’ve been dreading this conversation too?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** you??????

no????? why?

**SubversiveSnark:** I don’t like to see my child suffer.

I worry that, whatever we say, it will be insufficient to bring you understanding and alleviate your unhappiness.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** awwww

thats very sweet

**SubversiveSnark:** Also, because I am very selfish, I worry that you will pull away from me.

And I’ve just found you after being separated from you.

Like Crowley said, I don’t want to lose you.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh nanny i miss you

i wish i could hug you

**SubversiveSnark:** I miss you so very much too, hellspawn.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** i dont think youre going to lose me

i think youre the only one who understands what the me is going on!!

**SubversiveSnark:** No, really, I don’t understand very much.

I just know that I don’t know very much, which is slightly different.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** hey nanny?

whats your relationship with religion?

are you?????? christian?????

**SubversiveSnark:** What’s your definition of Christianity?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** heck if i know!!!!

let me look it up

uh so its an abrahamic religion based on the life and teachings of jesus of nazareth

i think you have to believe that theres one god, diced up into three parts, father, son, and holy ghost

also that jesus was a human, but also a god somehow at the same time

and he died and went to hell and resurrected and levitated up into heaven

also he’s going to come back and be very judgey for a day and then take all the christians into happyland and leave everyone else to die in a ditch

**SubversiveSnark:** There’s nothing in there about being kind and accepting and helpful and humble and generally good? I thought that’s why he died: because he told people to be kind to each other.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** well i think youre supposed to think that jesus was the best person ever and you should be like him

i mean, if youre a christian

**SubversiveSnark:** He was certainly an extraordinary young man, but I think that calling him the best person ever would be a great disservice to everyone else.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh my gods

nanny

were you jesus christs nanny?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

**SubversiveSnark:** No, I just had a chat with him once.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** details details!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** The child was bored, so I took him on a flyover (no mountains involved) of approximately 15% of the kingdoms of the world. 

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** um okay

he was just a kid when this happened?????

**SubversiveSnark:** No, but everyone under two hundred seems to be a youngster when one is over six thousand years old.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** thats fair

was he still bored after you gave him a tour?

**SubversiveSnark:** No. He kept peppering me with questions about the mechanics of demonic flight, all the while throwing up periodically on my headscarf. My outfit was ruined. Good times!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** ewwwww gross haha

but that doesnt really answer my question

so are you christian????

i mean, youre a demon in a christian framework

**SubversiveSnark:** Yes, but the framework rather grew up around me. 

I’m not Christian. I don’t follow any religion really because they’re all entirely irrelevant to me.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** how?????

youre in them!!!! well some of them

**SubversiveSnark:** But religions were never created by or for people like me. They were made by humans and for humans. You’re the ones who want to know why you exist. You’re the ones who want to know the rules for treating each other. You’re the ones who wonder what happens when you die. Religion is your purview, not mine.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** but why isnt religion created for people like you?

i mean why cant you have a religion if you want one?

how are you different from any other person?

because i dont think you are

**SubversiveSnark:** I’m a demon, which means that my nature is fixed. I’m designed to tempt humans to do evil. We have limited purposes, and we don’t really wonder about our roles outside them.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** no come on

that cant be true

youre not giving yourself enough credit

i know thats what you believe, that you have no free will and creativity, but

**SubversiveSnark:** But what?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** but it seems like your own experience is completely different from what you said

**SubversiveSnark:** How so?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** i think that maybe theres another side to the story that you havent considered

and angels and demons are actually people just like us

like humans i mean

**SubversiveSnark:** What??

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh no, sorry, but

i didnt realize what time it was

i have to meet arugula

**SubversiveSnark:** You’re going off just like that and leaving me hanging?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** sorry

we cant be late

**SubversiveSnark:** Hmph. I hope that this person is a friend that you are going to meet, and you are not in fact being all fancy about having a green salad.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** haha

no shes not a salad, shes my friend

her parents are super intense back to the land, organic, pinecones for toilet paper types

and i guess her mom had cravings for greens during the pregnancy

**SubversiveSnark:** I suppose she should be glad that her mother did not crave hoary mustard or pokeweed! 

What are you doing with her?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** were going to a concert

inanna and the rusalkas

which is a weird name because inanna is ancient sumerian and rusalkas are like slavic

but theyre all witchy ladies so it works!

its sort of folkcore and boypunk with a bit of german metal

im just repeating what arugula said, i dont know what that means

anyway arugula is an asl interpreter

or she wants to be

she watches the music and the lyrics and then puts them into asl

**SubversiveSnark:** Wow! That’s something I’ve never considered, translating music into sign. This concert sounds amazing.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** im!!!!!! really!!!!!! excited!!!!!!

this is her first performance

i went to a rehearsal though

she looked like she was dancing with her hands and her face and her eyebrows and her whole body

it was so!!!!! heckin!!!!!! cool!!!!!!!

oh shes texting me

sorry, i really gotta go, cant be late

but i know were not finished

well set up another time

bye for now!!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** Goodbye, child. I hope you have fun!

And I hope to talk to you very soon.

If only because I’m incredibly curious about “folkcore” and I have no earthly, heavenly, or hellish clue what it is.


	15. Lilia and Nákúset

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanny writes to Heck, recounting the story of her global quest for other gods and demons. A little more than 3000 years ago, the demon we know as Crowley/Nanny/the ineffable flying snake was [among other things] a young and stupid woman known as Lilia. Trekking through what is now Quebec, Lilia met Nákúset, a Mi'kmaq First Nations woman, cursed with an awful transformation. Lilia helped Nákúset with her transmogrification problem, but couldn't put anything past Mekwék, Nákúset's very observant great-grandmother. A marriage proposal was tendered. Lessons were learned. Somehow this relates to Heck's current predicament.

My dear damnable child,

You are a wicked, wicked, _wicked_ hellspawn, to leave your Nanny in such suspense! I salute your psychological torture techniques. Perhaps you _were_ paying attention when I gave you all those tutorials on pain induction…

I know you said that you were tired and sad at the beginning of our chat. But you seemed much more cheerful after you told me about your altar and your friend Arugula. I’m glad to see you more peaceful, and I hope that the concert did you good as well.

In any event, you aren’t here to reveal to me this fascinating alternative interpretation of my existence. But I’ve been thinking...

When I was somewhere more than two thousand, but less than three, I started to wonder if there were other beings like me outside of the Christian framework, as you put it: deities, supernatural creatures, numinous places where they lived. And there are. Gods and the like exist everywhere that people do. Apparently everyone has their personal demons, but every human culture also has gods and demons of its own.

I made my way around the world, learning what I could learn about other gods, angels, demons, or similar. I hopped across the pond in my travels and came to North America: what is now called the Gaspé Peninsula of Quebec. And I met a woman, Nákúset, who lived around modern-day Restigouche. That would put her in the Keskapekiaq band of the Mi’kmaq if she had lived today. I think today’s term for people like Nákúset is “First Nations.”

I met Nákúset when she was a chenoo. She was a person, but not human. She was about ten times as large as I am when I’m in humanoid form, but covered in fur. She had no heart, only a piece of ice instead, yet somehow she was still alive.

Nákúset ate humans for food, but that wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was that, even as she needed human flesh to survive, she fought that urge so very hard. She ate other animals instead and even her own flesh. When I met her, she had chewed off her own lower lip.

Before we go any further, I should insert a caveat. When I met Nákúset, I was half as old as I am now, so I was quite young and quite stupid. I judged humans by how old they would be in demonic terms. According to my thinking at the time, Nákúset’s twenty-five human years seemed about equal to two thousand demonic years. We were therefore about the same age, i.e., both consenting adults, so I believed that we were equals and did what we did without much consideration.

Now that I am twice that age, I have changed my mind entirely. Humans and demons may go through the same general life stages [childhood, young adulthood, middle adulthood, old age], but demonic lifespans are much, much longer. That huge disparity must be taken into account because it allows demons to gain much more experience than any single human ever could. That doesn’t make us necessarily better, but we tend to have more knowledge — at the very least a broader historical perspective — and thus more power. I would never make the choice today that I did with Nákúset then.

Anyway, it was in the depths of winter. The wind scoured through the forest, hissing, and the air was so cold that icicles formed on my eyebrows with every breath. All the warmth had bled off from the world, for there were no clouds to insulate the earth against the chilly, careless void of space. It was extraordinarily bleak, and I was enjoying myself, trying to identify which were the stars that I had made.

I had four or so genders on rotation while I was wandering around the world. At that moment I was Lilia, acting on behalf of Lilith, who was recovering from a particularly hard childbirth. She didn’t want her (self-given) title of Seductress of All That Moves to lapse, so, because the wanderlust had hit me hard, I offered to spread Lilith’s fame in her absence. She encouraged me to take one of her favorite forms, but I said that I was not interested in having any more than two breasts, thank you very much. Furthermore, since my form at the time attracted significant unwanted attention, I often dressed in men’s clothing and assumed a masculine name. 

While you evoke the frigid winter scene in your mind, picture me moving through it. I was small at the time, a fact noticeable even despite the layers of furs I wore for warmth. My eyes (yellow as always) and my nose (always long and pointy, I’ve given up trying to change it) were the only parts of my flesh visible. Underneath my hood I had a massive quantity of nearly orange hair. I couldn’t bear to cut it, but its length tended to signal femininity to people, so I often braided it, pinned it up, and disguised it in various ways. Though it wasn’t deep, the snow was light, loose, and slippery, so I felt as if I were walking through sand, pushing and swaying a bit on every step.

Suddenly I flew off the ground, and not of my own volition! Nákúset picked me up. I expected to be inconveniently discorporated between her teeth. I remember thinking that perhaps I shouldn’t always do my explorations in the form of a tasty _hors d’oeuvre._ (There is nothing quite so awkward as waking from a nap with a very interested manananggal hanging over you, and you have half a second to explain that you are absolutely, positively not pregnant, merely digesting the crocodile you ate for breakfast.)

But Nákúset just lobbed me away from her with a gentle underhanded throw. Well, it was gentle enough for a chenoo, I suppose, although it still felt like I was being hit by a train (even though trains obviously didn’t exist yet). She was nice enough not to aim me at any trees.

Once my head stopped spinning, I explained that I wasn’t trying to eat her or bother her. (Actually, the first thing that I said was, “Ow, you have a Heaven of a right arm there.”) I was just curious as to why she was all alone, away from civilization, on such a bitterly cold night, especially if she was injured. (Her lower lip was missing and bleeding, so I thought she had been hurt.)

Nákúset stopped and looked at me with such sorrow that I saw right past her skin and her ribs to the heart-shaped piece of ice at her core. “I am cursed,” she said. “If I go back among people, then my appetite will come back. I’ll want to eat people, and the cold will burn me up inside. I have to stay out here, alone, away from danger.”

Now you have to understand that I had just begun my travels, so I was still very much limited by my own experience. I thought that she was a fellow demon and that one of my coworkers was messing with her, possibly Borborygmus, the demon of gastric distress. I said that, if she let me know who had cursed her, I could certainly take care of them. Then she could return to her usual diet.

Nákúset gave me a look that I was rapidly becoming accustomed to. It was the sort of inquisitive and baffled stare that said, “What are you talking about? You’re not from around here, are you?” (Given the regions in which I was traveling, the look also frequently added, “And why are you so pale? Are you ill? I can give you directions to someone who can help with that.”) 

I admitted that I was a stranger and wholly ignorant of this area and its people. Nákúset explained that she used to be a person. She had become a monster only months before. 

She said that a man had asked her to marry him. She knew that he had a reputation for cruelty, especially since his first wife had disappeared under ominous circumstances. She refused.

The man reacted by kidnapping her, giving her the Mi’kmaq version of roofies, and, while she was unconscious, feeding her poisoned and enchanted snow. Its chill penetrated her heart. She woke, now a cannibalistic chenoo, with the man gloating over her.

Nákúset, overcome with anger, grief, and a new, horrible hunger, ate her attacker. I applauded, but Nákúset was terrified. She realized that she was now a threat to her family and friends, so she fled into the wilds.

I said that it wasn’t very fair for her to be cursed with a punishment that she didn’t even deserve. I didn’t understand why humans bothered to blame things on demons, chenoos, and the like when humans were more than capable of doing terrible things to each other.

Nákúset said that she had been thinking about cruelty and monsters and such for the past few months, since she was all alone. The man who kidnapped her was cold and hungry and greedy too. He had infected her with his cruelty, transforming her into someone like him. She had become like him through no fault of her own. But it was up to her, she said, whether she would continue to be cruel and cannibalistic, or if she would fight that sickness.

She reminded me of myself. We had both been influenced by the wrong sort of people. But Nákúset’s case was much sadder. While I at least went sauntering vaguely toward Lucifer and the guys out of boredom and curiosity, she had crossed paths with someone cruel out of sheer bad luck.

I asked if there was anyway for Nákúset to reverse her curse. She said that she could be shot with arrows and her icy heart melted. I asked if there was something that could be done without the slow, painful death. 

Nákúset said that, if anyone knew, it would be her great-grandmother Mekwék. She refused to return home, though, because she knew that she would be tempted to eat people. She didn’t know if she could control her hunger.

In the end, I was the one who went to back to the winter camp where Nákúset’s family was living. They were quite puzzled about the sudden appearance of an unaccompanied young man (remember, I was crossdressing) with no provisions (and unusually colored red hair and a rather sickly pallor to boot). However, they brought me in, fed me, and warmed me up.

While I was eating and thawing, everyone was trying to interrogate me politely under the guise of small talk about exactly where I had come from and what I was doing. But there was a very old woman who just watched me. Despite her age, her hair was still mostly black; it even had some reddish brown highlights. (I think that’s where her nickname came from; _mekwék_ is the form of the adjective _red,_ used for animate nouns.) 

Finally Mekwék nodded, beckoning me, and pulled me aside. “Great-grandmother,” she said in a low voice, and I probably would have spit out my tea if I was still drinking it. Here I was looking reasonably human, reasonably masculine, and maybe 30 at most, but she was using a respectful feminine term for someone much older, wiser, and more powerful. “Thank you for coming,” she said. “It’s a truly an honor to have you among us. Please let us know how we can serve you.”

I, being a lady of great astuteness and perspicacity, said, “I’m not sure what you mean, great-grandmother. You just served me. You generously shared your food with me, and it was quite delicious. Thank you very much.” 

I learned that Mekwék recognized me as a supernatural being (although she was unsure whether I was a woman, a snake, or an eagle). “Please let us know how we can serve you” was code for “You think you’re fooling everyone, but I can tell you’re not human, so why are you here?”

I said that I was here on behalf of Nákúset. Mekwék said that she had heard of a story from Peskotomuhkati neighbors about a chenoo that was changed back without death. If they wanted to try this method, Nákúset’s family had to prepare an elaborate meal for her, as if she were an honored guest, and invite her. They all had to share food with each other without fear. If they could do so, then Nákúset’s heart of ice would melt. She would turn back into herself.

Nákúset agreed to try. I attended the feast too because I had promised Nákúset that I would drive her away from her family if she tried to eat them. I didn’t have to, though, because Nákúset and her family made it through the feast. Her icy heart thawed. The curse was broken, and she turned back from a cold, grieving, injured beast into a small and vulnerable and hopeful human. (And we did not get married after all.)

Nákúset makes me think of you. She too ended up in the crossfire of power that she never asked for. She learned all too much about the painful ways in which the world can work, and she changed in ways she never expected. She too was lonely and scared. She felt isolated, with no one to talk to and no one to help her. She was confused and sad and suffering.

I don’t really know what the moral of this story is, especially since it’s real life, where everything has at least five (5) perspectives and eight and a half (8.5) morals. Perhaps it’s that Nákúset sat down, in the darkness and the cold, having journeyed to the extremity of herself like Persephone, and she was brave enough to hope. She was brave enough to reject her hunger and throw me away from her, brave enough to accept my help, brave enough to hope that Mekwék knew a cure, and brave enough almost beyond belief to face her family and her fear. 

That kind of bravery is hard, I know, when you feel topsy-turvy and discombobulated. But you’re doing it anyway, and I’m very proud of you. You’re going to figure this out, and I’ll be right here to help you. You are wicked and witchy and wonderful, and you’re my daughter, so don’t ever forget that.

Your Hellmom,

Nanny

P.S. You must tell me how the concert went!

P.P.S. Also don’t forget to tell me this mind-blowing alternative perspective you apparently have that’s going to rearrange my entire existence.

\---

**Author's Note:**

Nákúset and her family are, in today's parlance, First Nations people: Micmac of the Keskapekiaq band.

Nákúset's experience combines two Native American/First Nations stories. Her transformation at the hands of a vengeful guy who wanted to marry her derives from [this](http://www.native-languages.org/mikmaqstory.htm) Micmac tale. Her return to humanity by means of a compassionately prepared meal is inspired by [this](https://www.storiestogrowby.org/story/girl-the-chenoo/) Passamaquoddy _(Peskotomuhkati_ according to Mekwék) tale, adapted by Elaine Lindy. As mutually friendly groups who lived in the same geographic area, the Micmac and Passamaquoddy of Nákúset's time would have known about each other, traded, and shared stories. Even if the story of de-chenoo-ification did not originate with the Micmac, it could have easily moved from Passamaquoddy tellers to Micmac ones.

I love love love the story of the chenoo restored to humanity, literally undone by compassion. There are so many many neat symmetries. As a chenoo, Nákúset is supposed to be a consumer of humans, but, instead, the kindness and humanity of human beings consume her. She is also supposed to be a creature that turns people from humans into bitter, cold, heartless creatures. Instead, Nákúset's family has with the transformative powers here; combating Nákúset's negative power with their positive ones, her family brings her back to her original human state. Instead of Nákúset draining the good from her family, her family drains the bad from her!

Overall, the figure of the chenoo demonstrates the vampiric trait of absorption very clearly. In Nákúset's case, she absorbs her family's goodwill, feeding off of it and growing more human. Her family's hearts are so big, despite their nervousness, that Nákúset's cold hunger cannot deplete them into despair. While demonstrating the message that goodwill fosters goodwill, this story also contains the implicit point that bad will fosters bad will; therefore, the only way to break a cycle of violence is to do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

No wonder our favorite genderfluid demon cherishes this memory: It's a redemption tale!


	16. Demons Are People Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck reacts to Nanny's revelation that there are other gods and demons. She explains her theory [WITH LOTS OF CAPS] that angels and demons are people just like humans. Now that she's in a much more confident mood, she reports on the concert she went to and demands answers on her demon's relationship with Nakuset.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey readers! If you like this story about Heck and Nanny, I just started a prequel of sorts, Nanny's Little Hellspawn, in which Nanny observes with alarm a developing conflict between not-yet-Heck and R.P. Tyler's daughter. Nanny and Francis' advice does not allow not-yet-Heck to solve things on her own, so Nanny takes matters into her own hands.

Dear damnable demon (whoever you are when you get this),

Let me get this straight. You wondered if other gods existed besides God, so you traveled around the world to investigate. You met manananggals and chenoos and a heck of a lot of other people from other religions besides Christianity. You realized that not every supernatural being was an angel or a demon allied with heaven or hell. You realized that THE WORLD WAS FULL OF GODS AND SUPERNATURAL PEOPLE.

This changes everything! 

You know why I was so upset with you and Aziraphale for telling me the truth about the apocawhoops? It was because I thought you were telling me I was WRONG. I thought you were saying that my universe of wonder and free will and joy and mystery and everything was WRONG. I thought you were taking it away and giving me in its place some deadly dull universe with one totally unrelatable god (0/10, too patriarchal and prone to smiting, would not worship again), two feuding groups, and no hecking point to anything. 

But that’s not what you were saying at all. You were trying to tell me the specific truth about one thing, the apocawhoops, but not the SOLE SINGLE TRUTH OF EVERYTHING. And the SOLE SINGLE TRUTH OF EVERYTHING...is that...there’s not a sole single truth. The world is full of gods and religions and ways of looking at things. They’re not exclusive. You don’t have to choose one. They’re all just different ways of looking at the same things.

So I’m a Wiccan, and I’m not all the way right, but I’m not all the way wrong. I’m no more right or wrong than my parents, my friends, you, Aziraphale, or anyone else in the world. We’re all just people who can only understand a little bit, but we live in a universe that’s so much greater than we can ever learn. We’re not all the way right and all the way wrong, we’re just trying to live our lives the best way that we can.

That doesn’t solve everything, I still want to talk to you, but it makes sense to me. It acknowledges the world as the messy and wonderful and thrilling place that it really is. And that makes me feel better.

About this perspective that’s supposedly going to blow your mind… It’s that demons and angels are people just like humans. You tell me that angels and demons have assigned good and evil roles that they can’t change, but that’s not true. All the angels who moved to hell went against their assigned roles. So did you and Aziraphale when you did what you thought was best. Humans do that too. We’re raised with assigned beliefs and prejudices and even genders sometimes, but we can change and do what we think is best for us too.

And then you try to tell me that you and Aziraphale are unusual, all the other angels and demons are like unoriginal conformists who don’t challenge the status quo. Whoop de doo. That doesn’t make you special, though. There are lots of humans who go along quietly and don’t try to change the world. And then there are a few activists who fight oppression and make noise and change things. So basically angels and demons act the way that humans do.

And you say that angels and demons don’t have free will, which is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. How do you think you and the other angels decided to found hell? How do you think you decided to fraternize with Aziraphale? How do you think he decided to give away his flaming sword? How do you think all the dinguses in heaven and hell decided to support the head offices or whatever when you proved to them that they could have done something differently? They considered all the influences on them from their innate tendencies and what the hierarchy wanted them to do and peer pressure. Then they weighed that with what they personally wanted to do, made a decision, and did it. They used their free will!

As far as I’m concerned, you and Aziraphale and all the other supposedly supernatural beings involved in the apocawhoops are JUST LIKE HUMANS, except you live longer and fly and have some weird psychic powers.

So I don’t think religion is necessarily irrelevant to you, just like it’s not necessarily irrelevant to humans. It could be irrelevant to you, you could just be atheist. Or you could choose a religion. It’s up to you BECAUSE YOU HAVE FREE WILL.

Okay, I’m sort of angry at you for not telling me about your quest for all the gods, but also sort of laughing because it’s totally the kind of thing you’d forget to mention. But overall I feel so much better than after our first conversation. My mind is still shook from the apocapoop being true, but there seems to be more hope now.

Love,

Your hellspawn Heck

P.S. The concert was amazing! Arugula was too, it was like she became the music, but somehow made it even better. The band really loved Arugula’s interpretation, they’re even putting some of her moves in their choreography! And we had a whole conversation with Inanna (the lead) afterward, talking about how maybe they could fold ASL and interpretation and dance into their songs from the very beginning. 

Arugula’s all out of spoons because all the interpreting plus the socializing plus all the noise (she couldn’t hear it, but she could feel it) gave her a huge migraine. But she’s so very happy! And I’m so very proud of her! I think she might have made some new friends, which is tremendous!

P.P.S. Folkcore + boypunk + German metal is...interesting. Folkcore I guess means folk songs, like ballads and stuff, but louder and faster, with more drums. Boypunk is like an aesthetic, even though Inanna and the Rusalkas are all women, they dress like drag kings and do genderbending. And German metal is just mental, sung (screamed, snarled, sneered) in German. You’d like it. Aziraphale wouldn’t.

P.P.P.S. Does that caveat mean what I think it means? You banged Nakuset, didn’t you? (You in general I mean.) You did, or else you wouldn’t have put in that huge elaborate justification that was all talking around the subject. And you DIDN’T get married???? Does that mean you were going to? I need the whole story! Like yesterday!


	17. Crowley and His Genderfluids

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck wants to know why Crowley didn't tell her before about all the gods and demons. He sort of answers, but then Heck makes an assumption about his genders. Crowley corrects her, explaining how he does genders. Schrodinger's Dick in a Box makes an appearance [or does it???? You don't know!]. Then Heck says something to Crowley that stops the chat entirely.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** crowleyyyyyyyyyyyy

i neeeeeeeeeeed to talk to you

**SubversiveSnark:** Hey! Hellspawn

What’s going on?

Whyyyyyyyy aaaarrrrreeeeee weeeeeee talkiiiiiiiiing liiiiiiiiiiiike thiiiiiiiiiiis?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** because youre a total

ineffable

complete

dooooooooooofusssssssssss

i might need to objurgate at you

**SubversiveSnark:** Hey, point that objurgation AWAY from my face, kid!

Uh

Are you mad at me?

I legit can’t tell

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** well sort of pissed off, but sort of laughing

nanny said you went ALL OVER THE WORLD

looking for other gods and demons

AND YOU FOUND THEM

**SubversiveSnark:** Well yeah

I didn’t expect to because

You know

Christian framework and colonialist bias and all

I thought that everyone was like me,

Just a whole bunch of angels and demons dealing with God and the Devil all over the world

Surprise!! They weren’t!!!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** THERE ARE OTHER GODS AND STUFF OUT THERE

and you didnt think you should tell me when you were giving me the lowdown on the apocapoop??????????

**SubversiveSnark:** Well no

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** whyyyyyyyyyyyy

**SubversiveSnark:** we were already making you AAAAAAAAAAH with all the Apocawhoops stuff

I didn’t just want to casually slip in another bombshell

Your brain would have leaked out your ears

And I’m not saying that because you’re a human

Pretty sure my grey matter melted a bit when I attended my first international underworlds convention and talked to Persephone.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** you went to a CONFERENCE

for UNDERWORLD GODS

GODZZZZZZ plural

MULTIPLE gods

more than the boring dead white guy in the sky

and you met PERSEPHONE

persephone who ive been trying to have a personal or at least two way or vaguely supportive relationship with for the past year and utterly failing at

and you didnt think that was important to mention

when i was having like a total COSMOLOGICAL CRISIS???????????

**SubversiveSnark:** Well

I wasn’t really thinking at that time

About other gods and demons

Or about anything really

All I saw was my hellspawn

And we were just blowing your mind

And you looked so lost

I was just going Hey hey, you’re okay because

I dunno

I thought you might need someone to hold onto.

But when you put it that way

I can kind of see how that might be useful info

Blessit, I’m really sorry.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** and you didnt click over to nanny

and think about everything very exactly for a while

and realize that not telling me about this stuff might not be a good idea??????

**SubversiveSnark:** No!!!

Because

Because

That’s not how it works

I can’t just snap my fingers and change genders!

I mean, yeah, I can

But

It’s not something I do because it’s convenient

I mean

I can do it as a matter of convenience

But

It’s just

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay, im sorry

i didnt know how it worked

**SubversiveSnark:**

Blessed

Blasted

Bloated

Bollocks

Let’s try this again

It’s not like nipping round to the gender library because I forgot to sign out my

I dunno

My logicalityness

And then running back and returning it with I’m done with it

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** can you tell me how it works?

i mean if its okay to ask

**SubversiveSnark:** Okay, you know how when you feel feelings, you feel them in your body

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yes???????

where else would i feel them?

**SubversiveSnark:** I mean like heart rate, sweating, muscle tension, adrenaline

And sometimes feelings come on quickly

But most of the time you just don’t go Oh I’m happy

ZAP

Now I’m sad

You have to change over time

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay that makes sense

**SubversiveSnark:** Same thing with the genderfluids (haha)

The changes take a while

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** so its like hormonal??

**SubversiveSnark:** I dunno.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay but

you said it was under conscious control

and that’s what you did, in our first chat

well, nanny did

she went, click, to crowley

**SubversiveSnark:** Well, that was different. That was like flipping a switch to a different position and leaving it there. 

When you’re talking about going ZAP over to Nanny for a second

And then ZAP back to Crowley

That’s like dicking with the switch.

I can’t do that, I’d get whiplash and throw up

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay i understand now

**SubversiveSnark:** Good

As long as you understand that it’s part of me

Not just like something I do on command like a party trick

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh yeah no i think i get it

its like channel surfing

you dont channel surf

the change takes time to get into and out of

**SubversiveSnark:** Yeah

There

See, you understand!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** sorry i didnt get it before

but i do now

and i see why you couldnt do it

(im trying to think of a dick joke now)

**SubversiveSnark:** Uhhhhhhh

Please don’t

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** well you said you couldnt dick with the switch

**SubversiveSnark:** Get your mind out of the gutter, kid.

And no dick jokes please

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay, im sorry

**SubversiveSnark:** Look

I flip the switch, I change

Why is it so funny that dicks might be involved?

Or not involved

Or not even there

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** im sorry crowley

i wont do it again

**SubversiveSnark:** I know you won’t, thanks.

I’m just on a rant now.

You humans

Everytime you see someone

It’s like that guy’s cat

But with dicks

Ooooh, what’s in the pants?

Is it a dick, is it there?

Is it not there

Is it there and not there at the same time???

Who cares???!!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** schrodinger’s dick in a box

omgggggg

you have to admit, thats kind of funny

**SubversiveSnark:** Now, see

That’s a funny dick joke

Because it’s not about anyone’s dick

Or lack of a dick

Just about dick obsessions

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** get your mind out of the schrodinger box, demon!

**SubversiveSnark:** But how do you know it’s in there?

It’s a Schrodinger box

Maybe my mind’s in there

Maybe not

You don’t know!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** youre silly

**SubversiveSnark:** I’d rather be silly than a doooooooooooooofusssssssssss!

Hey

Something else I wanted to say

I mean about telling you all about the Apocawhoops

When the angel and I were saying all that stuff,

There was another reason I didn’t mention all the other gods

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yeah?

**SubversiveSnark:** The whole conversation was really tense!

The angel was going yammeryammeryammer like he thought you’d run away any second

You were just spluttering 

And I was like, “Don’t panic, you’re still a good person, please don’t run away.”

Everyone was freaking the heck out

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** thats fair

**SubversiveSnark:** You can’t expect people to be smart in a situation like that

Especially not me

I mean I’m barely smart in the best of times

So

Yeah

And I’m sorry, I’m so blessing sorry, we didn’t tell you about the other stuff.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay, yeah, its cool

ive calmed down

done objurgating

kinda changing the subject, hey can you do me a favor

objurgate aziraphale for me?

**SubversiveSnark:** Heavens yeahhhhhh!

One of my favorite hobbies

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** thanks

hey crowley?

**SubversiveSnark:** Hey hellspawn love?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** you know what nanny called you right?

a semi incoherent individual of the male persuasion

**SubversiveSnark:** “With a penchant for Queen and extremely tight trousers.”

Yeah

Of course I know what she said

I’m the one who said it, after all!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** were you being sarcastic?

or serious

**SubversiveSnark:** I was being self-depreciating.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** ummmm

i think it’s self-deprecating

**SubversiveSnark:** See, I’m semi-incoherent!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** it sounds kind of like youre ashamed of yourself

when youre crowley

**SubversiveSnark:** I speak differently, I move differently

I’m not so put together now

Than when I’m Nanny

It’s frustrating

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** but aziraphale doesnt get on you about that

does he?

**SubversiveSnark:** Not really

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** because i dont think he does

the only time he ever said anything was when you were going on a tangent

about something

he said, wow, you say youre really incoherent

but youre actually talking a lot

**SubversiveSnark:** Yeah, he’s not a fan of being interrupted

And we make fun of each other for pretty much everything else

But not for my semi-incoherentness

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** then maybe no one cares as much as you do

ummmm

crowley?

**SubversiveSnark:** ??????

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** maybe this sounds weird

especially when i just objurgated at you

and called you a doofus

but

um

i really like you

you, crowley

**SubversiveSnark:** Oh????

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** youre really just like nanny

that same quick, sensitive mind

very protective, always looking out for me

wanting people to be happy

that sarcastic humor

and youre so honest and trusting and willing to do the right thing

**SubversiveSnark:** Well, we ARE the same person, so

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** and i love that youre not afraid to be silly

not by saying something semi-incoherent, but

by being playful and silly

in a way that shes not

and youre so good for aziraphale

youre so happy together

**SubversiveSnark:** See, you like my doofusosity!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** im so glad i know you now

now i think i know all of you right?

**SubversiveSnark:** Yeah, I think you do

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** you make me happy crowley

youre the perfect person to be part of the person thats made up of nanny and the snake and you

i really like you

and i know im gonna love you when i meet you

and you know how i always liked nanny best?

well, now youre part of that best since youre part of her

**SubversiveSnark:** Awwww blessit

Heck you sweet kid

That means so much to me

I was

Uh

I was really hoping that you’d think I was okay

And then

You just went

And said that thing

Awwwww!

I was going to shift to Nanny so you and her could talk religion

But I’m just

I’m having a bit of a moment here

Okay, I’m having lots of moments

I’m going to need lots of moments to recover, so

I’ll see you around okay?

Bye!


	18. Class Is in Session

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck chats with Nanny. Class is in session. Nanny assigns an essay question. Oh. Okay, so she's really serious about Heck's answer. Heck answers and asks Nanny a question or two of her own.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** hi nanny!

**SubversiveSnark:** Hello, child!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** how are you?

crowley was having lots of moments the other day

**SubversiveSnark:** I am well. Thank you for asking.

While I did have an extended series of moments yesterday, they have now abated.

I am still very pleased, though.

Thank you very much for what you said about me (Nanny) and him (Crowley).

And thank you too for remembering that “the snake” is part of me (the whole me) too.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** of course!!!!

yeah i mean

i dont know them too well

but theyre certainly you all over!!!!!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** I would hope so.

And now, your attention, please.

Class is now in session from this moment forward, and there’s a test.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** what???

heckkkkkk no, its saturday

im not having class today

**SubversiveSnark:** The student’s role is not to dictate the teacher’s pedagogy. The student’s role is to learn, while it is the teacher’s prerogative to exercise authority. 

We ARE having class now.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** i had a midterm and two pop quizzes this week already

im taking a principled stand against excessive testing

**SubversiveSnark:** No, you’re not. You’re sitting down and behaving yourself.

Essay question: In light of recent theological discussions, write a clearly structured paragraph describing the current state of your mind, beliefs, and emotions. Your answer will be evaluated on structure (topic sentence, supporting details, conclusion, overall coherence), craft (appropriate tone, vocabulary, and philosophical depth), and grammar. Dangling modifiers will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law (and then some).

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** urge to resist...fading...

compulsion to type...rising...

dear anyone who reads this,

please help, i am being possessed by a demon via internet

theyre forcing me to submit to their wicked wiles

theyre making me, gasp, sob, write an essay!!!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** Nanny is unamused by your melodramatic attempts at levity.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** nanny likes to pretend that she has no sense of humor

(shes lying)

**SubversiveSnark:** So...will you answer the question, please?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh

you really want me to answer the question

okay i need to think about that a bit

**SubversiveSnark:** Yes, I would like you to answer the question. Proper paragraph structure, however, is entirely optional.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** wow, you were really worried about me werent you

**SubversiveSnark:** Of course. I’m your mother, am I not?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh wow

sorry

im just

it feels weird

im not used to anyone saying well im your mother, of course i care

and not like rushing off to do something thats more important than me

**SubversiveSnark:** Hearing that makes me so sad.

If you don’t want me to say such things, please tell me, and I’ll retract them.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** nononono

i do, its just

they hurt sometimes

not because of you, but its like getting poked 

right where you have a bruise that you forgot about

**SubversiveSnark:** I don’t want to hurt you!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** but

well

you know

sometimes being loved hurts

if youre not used to it

**SubversiveSnark:** Does it?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yeah

i know that maybe you cant sense WUVS the way that aziraphale can

but when you first figured out that you loved him, did you feel weird at all,

like happy and sad at the same time

or maybe happy and wanting to barf

or happy and worried

happy and something else?

**SubversiveSnark:** I wanted to fly around dancing, but I also wanted to hide under the deepest, darkest rock. I felt queasy in the pit of my stomach because I’d been told for so long that such a thing was wrong. I also felt that I might start crying and never stop because I wanted him so badly to touch me, and I realized how lonely I had been and for how long.

In other words, yes, it did feel rather weird and somewhat painful.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** and thats kind of the way im feeling now

everything got all shook up by what you and aziraphale told me

but i thought and prayed, i talked to you and crowley, i wrote, i meditated (or tried)

i thought more, and talked more

then i realized that i had learned a lot, and the world had broken open

but i wasnt broken

broken open maybe

but not broken like something that wont work again

**SubversiveSnark:** Oh, child, there’s a difference between an open mind and a broken one, even though opening one’s mind can feel like breaking. 

What a relief! I’m so glad that you’re still feeling strong and ready to face things.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** and you were always there, so i was scared, but not as much as if id been alone

im shaky but okay

even kind of!!!! excited!!!!!

so im figuring some things out about the world, but

i dont know what impact theyll have on my life?????

but i think itll be good

especially because youre here!!!!!!

there thats my paragraph

**SubversiveSnark:** I’m so pleased that you trust me to be there WITH you and FOR you as your confidante, your friend, your role model, and your mother. It’s an honor.

Really it is.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** awwwwww!!! 

me too

its an honor to have my very own hellmom

**SubversiveSnark:** Full marks for craft, thematic resonance, emotional engagement, and WUVS. Evaluation on structure and grammar waived. Extra credit for outstanding success in your nefarious plot to reduce me to a sentimental wreck.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** does that mean one of your earrings is slightly unhooked or something?

**SubversiveSnark:** Yes.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** sneaks out of class so as not to disturb nanny

who is obviously having a series of moments

**SubversiveSnark:** Child! Did I give you permission to leave?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** snaps back to seat on giant invisible rubber band

yes maam!!!! I mean no maam!!!

i mean, what was the question???? maam!!!!

heyyyyyyyyyy, wait a minute

**SubversiveSnark:** Waiting...

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** now ive got some questions for you

oh ho ho 

how the tables have turned!!!!!!!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** Not really. That’s why I called you back. You were about to miss the intensive study section of the class, and I know that you have many questions. You have an opportunity for self-improvement here, and I expect you to take it.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** youre smirking right now arent you?

**SubversiveSnark:** I’m always smirking. Next question?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** so have you thought about what i said about angels and demons being people too?????

**SubversiveSnark:** I have. And I’m still thinking. 

Part of me thinks that you fundamentally misunderstand the nature of angels and demons. Part of me thinks you might be onto something. Part of me is impressed by your analysis. And part of me objects to being told by a truly impudent hellspawn. 

And frankly part of me is just off pulling rude faces, making ruder gestures, and even ruder noises at the whole project.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** crowleyyyyyyyyyyy haha

**SubversiveSnark:** Well, you certainly won’t catch me doing that (because I’ll be doing it in the utmost secrecy).

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** so it sounds like you havent decided whether im onto something

(ps i totally am)

**SubversiveSnark:** Correct. Please leave me alone and bother me later on that point. Next question?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yeah thats kind of how i feel too

**SubversiveSnark:** Beg pardon?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** tell religion to go away and bother me later

i am just really heckin sick of religion at the moment

**SubversiveSnark:** As the youths of today are saying, BIG MOOD. Let’s change the topic, shall we?


	19. Love and Leaving Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck asks about Nanny's marriage proposal with Nakuset, but has read enough fanfic to know where this is going... There is a short digression about Aziraphale's very wide-ranging taste in books and what he thinks about the Twilight Saga etc. Heck assures Nanny that she considers the entire demon Crowley her Hellmom. They talk about the pain of knowing you can never go back home.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** so tell me about you and nakuset getting it on and almost getting married!!!!!!!

i!!!! need!!!! details!!!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** Hmmm, where was I?

Oh right. Well, with help from her family, Nakuset turned from a chenoo back into herself. I, thinking that everything was over, wanted to be on my way to enjoy more clear, desolate nights and maybe see the aurora. (I invented the pink ones when I was still an angel, you know.)

The night before I planned to leave, however, a ridiculous amount of snow hit overnight, and we were all stuck indoors.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** let me guess, there was only one bed

and your clothes were all wet, so you both had to strip

and huddle together naked with only each others body heat to keep warm

and then one thing led to another

ive read enough fanfic to know where this is going

**SubversiveSnark:** We were not constrained to either share sleeping quarters or remove our clothes. We CHOSE to do both.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** And then what?

**SubversiveSnark:** We engaged in mutually enjoyable activities of an erotic nature, the details of which I shall not divulge. Don’t be impertinent, child.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** most. boring. sex scene. ever.

**SubversiveSnark:** I wasn’t recounting my history with Nakuset for your titillation!

It was for your edification.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** i think stories should be titillating and edificating, both of them

**SubversiveSnark:** That’s  _ edifying. _

Pffft, you sound like my ineffable spouse.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** aziraphale thinks that stories should be titillating and edificating too?

**SubversiveSnark:** _Edifying._

Oh, yes, quite. And he has a SIGNIFICANT collection of such material.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** huh

wow

he has like the worlds best porn????

**SubversiveSnark:** Not exactly… The angel has a very all-encompassing idea of what constitutes “best.” Basically, if your kind wrote it down, he’s insatiably curious about it at the very least. His  _ best _ goes from classics to camp to mediocrity to trash. He finds something marvelous in nearly everything he reads.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay thats kind of cool

i always got the sense that hes very particular

**SubversiveSnark:** Oh, of course, he has his preferences and interests. He likes stories of what he calls Grand Passions the best. But he also finds something marvelous in nearly everything he reads.

**HecateSubversiveSnark:** awwww so he’s like an anti critic

gods, my english teachers would hate him

**SubversiveSnark:** Well, he certainly has extensively footnoted observations on everything he reads. But that’s not because he detests it, but, rather, because he loves it.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** i…

kinda love him already, and i dont even know him

but he was always, you know

full of WUVS when he was francis

WUVS for everything

**SubversiveSnark:** He’s always loved you, child, ever since he first saw you. He’s awkward about touching and hugging and actually saying “I love you,” but, I assure you, he adores you.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yeah i can tell

he was so happy to chat with me, i thought the screen would light up

and he sounds so proud of me, like im the best kid ever

**SubversiveSnark:** He’s proud of you, and he’s proud of himself because he likes to assert that all your virtues derive from his guidance.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** what a dooooooofusssssss

theyre from both of you, of course

and from my parents, as an example of what not to be

but aziraphale is like more intellectually caring than you

**SubversiveSnark:** Do you mean that his care contains more intellect or that it focuses more on the intellect? Either way, I’ll have you know that I’m preparing for a very offended “Hmph!” (or possibly several)

I have always prized both my own mental endowments and the development of my hellspawn’s critical faculties!

Hmph! Hmph! Hmph!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** hmph hmph hmph yourself

i mean that we (you and me) were like yahooooooo!!!!! lets meet!!!!! we miss each other!!!!

and aziraphale was like slow down

you need to know what youre getting into

here’s the truth about me and crowley and the apocapoop

hey um

so aziraphale called you crowley in that conversation

when he was referring to all of you

can i say that too

is that okay?

like

i have an awesome hellmom named crowley and hes the best!!!

???

**SubversiveSnark:** Oh look. There’s another highly focused thundershower right in front of my eyes. Why does this keep happening? 

I really should see my opthamologist. Or maybe my meteorologist!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** haha

im taking that as a yes

**SubversiveSnark:** Of course, child, of course. I tend to be him more than half the time anyway, so you can certainly refer to me in general as Crowley with those pronouns.

If, however, you’re talking to and/or about me specifically, please call me by my name.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yes maam!!! nanny maam!!!

salutes smartly

i understand completely maam!!!!

all hail hellmom maam!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** I reject your transparent attempts to manipulate my emotions. I am actually not laughing at all. That was nothing but a rapid series of hiccups.

...Child?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yes, nanny hellmom maam?

**SubversiveSnark:** You truly do think of me, all of me, as your mother?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** i do, yeah

you know deenie, ronaldine tyler, kid of rp the busybody?

remember that time i was 9

and something i said about her dad hit too close to home

and deenie kicked me

**SubversiveSnark:** How can one forget a child like Deenie? She ran away from home about two years ago, you know, and even lived with us for a short while. But her parents were still in town, so she left after a month. We still E-mail.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** well that would explain why i havent heard from her

is she okay, hows she doing????

can you give me her email???

**SubversiveSnark:** As of two months ago, she was living at a shelter in Oxford and even studying for some of her GCSEs. I will have to ask her permission before passing along her E-mail.

As for how she’s doing… Well, I don’t know if you have ever left home, only to realize you can never return. 

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** not really, no

**SubversiveSnark:** Look back. Look up at where you once were. See everything that you walked away from. Feel your sight change as you forget the miseries of confinement. For just a moment, recall the walls that hemmed you in as comfort, security, and a home. You had a role and a purpose there. You were safe.

Oh, sometimes how you wish to go back! Your old home up there shines like a ripe golden apple. You dream about reaching up, plucking it from the tree, sinking your teeth into its crisp flesh, and being nourished by the knowledge that you have a place in the order of things.

Remember now that you possess none of that. You have no protection, no boundaries, no comfort. Everything feels as strange and as unknown as the night, as foreign as an endless silence. 

Don’t eat! If you eat of that golden apple, then you will taste the old, old bitterness. You will recall instantly why you left home: because you were never good enough for anyone there. You always bruised yourself knocking against the closed doors of their hearts. 

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** thats

well, thats

depressingly familiar

**SubversiveSnark:** As hungry as you are, don’t eat. If you eat that apple, you will eat the old lies that you were told, of how you were wrong and wicked, merely because of your nature. If you succumb to the temptation of returning home, you will suffer all over again. You will poison yourself with the fruit of a tainted tree.

Out here, you are free, if nothing else. Listen to the eerie empty silence. Wonder who else is out there. Worry that they might be just like those you left behind. Hope that, out here, things could be different. Shiver in the strange new wind, as tingling as a drink of cool water, as unnerving as a tremor of terror. 

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh wow

scary and lonely but hopeful

**SubversiveSnark:** Are you empty or are you full? Are you good or are you bad? Are you foolish or are you wise? Are you happy or are you sad? You don’t know. You only know that the answers you find will be yours and yours alone, unpoisoned and wild and new.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** ambivalence 

thats hard, thats really hard

nanny…

is that what you felt when you were down here so long that you didnt really fit in back in hell?

**SubversiveSnark:** No, I’ve always felt at home here, even though this was never my first home.

My first home…

Well, I was an angel before I became a demon.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh

right

i forgot

ohgodohgods

im really sorry

did i give you a series of moments again????

**SubversiveSnark:** That’s an old pain, child, one that I don’t wish to dwell on now.

Please tell me about your memory of Deenie.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** uh okay

wait

i forgot what we were talking about

**SubversiveSnark:** I asked you if you considered all of me your mother. You said yes, and then you brought up Deenie.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** ohhhhhh right

so

deenie kicked me, the school called nanny

i dont know what was going on

but it was crowley who came, with aziraphale

and you were like oh kid, oh kid, oh kid

but I knew it was you

even though you were talking weird

you were still you

still my hellmom

thats what i was trying to say

**SubversiveSnark:** Oh...child… Yes, now I remember, and, yes, you did call me Nanny, though I technically wasn’t.

Well...then...yes. You DO consider all of me your Hellmom.

…

…

We regret the inconvenience, but Nanny Ashtoreth is having a moment. She will return as soon as possible. Please stay in the circle of hell. Your chat is important to us.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** sends virtual tissues

**SubversiveSnark:** All right. Thank you. I am done with my moment.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** phew

so i was just thinking

on a completely different subject

it would be fun to talk books with aziraphale

**SubversiveSnark:** That depends on the title.

If you value your sanity, never, EVER, EVER ask him about  _ Fifty Shades _ . He’ll start talking  _ Twilight Saga _ and  _ Masters of the Universe _ and the polyvalent problematics of heteronormative desire and discourses of control surrounding transformative works.

Even worse, he’ll start reading passages to you. With all the grammar mistakes! 

It’s like he’s deliberately trying to make me twitch.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** he probably is, he seems like that kind of person

**SubversiveSnark:** Oh, you have no idea!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're not familiar with these things, The Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer is a bunch of YA adult romances. They inspired E.L. James to write some fanfic called Masters of the Universe. That version became so popular that she changed the characters' names and published The Fifty Shades trilogy. In plain English, "the polyvalent problematics of heteronormative desire" is basically "the icky, harmful, bigoted ways in which heterosexual love and sex are portrayed in the books." In plain English, "discourses of control surrounding formative works" means "fights about the legality of fanfic." In other words, do not ask the author about either of these subjects or you will be subjected to impassioned monologuing. :p


	20. Demon Sex Ed and the Nanny from Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The story of Lilia and Nakuset finishes up with the real reason for Crowley's world travels and a tangent about human/demon marriages. Nanny excuses herself to objurgate Aziraphale over neglecting his book shop's plants. Heck doesn't understand how that could possibly be fun. An explanation ensues with reference to the nanny from help. And that "rp" Heck refers to does NOT mean R.P. Tyler.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** if you dont mind me asking

where was aziraphale in all of this with nakuset?

you always struck me as a one-angel kinda gal

**SubversiveSnark:** Where was Aziraphale? In denial. Where was I? Running around, trying to tell myself that he meant nothing to me.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay so whats the real reason for all this traveling around the world????

were you really on a serious spiritual quest

or were you just trying to get laid??????

**SubversiveSnark:** The two aren’t mutually exclusive. I prefer to think of it as achieving spiritual knowledge by getting laid.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** wowwwwww nanny

youre kinda freaky under that buttoned up blazer

**SubversiveSnark:** Just “kinda?” Really now! Are you impugning my ladylike dishonor?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** extra super hellishly, demonically freaky

satisfied?

**SubversiveSnark:** Yes, thank you. I thought you knew that already.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yeah but

it just hit me again

sooooooo, keep going with the nakuset thing?????

this is verrrrrrrrrry educational haha

**SubversiveSnark:** So...she and I did some things.

Shortly after, Mekwek informed me that Nakuset was interested in marrying me. She listed off all her advantages. Nakuset was young, rich, sweet-tempered, obviously in love with me, and from a long line of women who survived childbirth and lived into their eighties.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** but mekwek thought you were a woman (or possibly a snake or an eagle)?????

so why was she trying to sell you on nakuset’s fertility???

how did she think the two of you were going to have biological kids together????

**SubversiveSnark:** I think that Mekwek assumed that I could shapeshift as necessary.

I said that, where I came from, these kind of relationships almost never became long-term.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** you mean human-demon marriages?

those are a thing????!!!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** That is what I mean, and they are in fact a thing.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** can humans and demons have biological children together????? And can their kids have biological children with other humans or demons or whatever?

**SubversiveSnark:** Yes, but

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** ah hah!!!!!!!!!!

crossbreeding, fertile offspring

thats even more proof that youre just like us

demons and humans are close enough genetically that we can interbreed and have fertile offspring

which means that youre practically the same species

which means YOURE PEOPLE JUST LIKE US

you cant deny it!!!!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** Hush, child! I’ve already said that I’m taking it under advisement, but I’m not certain about it.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay okay back to the human/demon boning

i need!!! more!!! details!!!

why do they usually turn out bad?

and which ones turn out good?

**SubversiveSnark:** Demon-human liaisons almost always end in wailing and gnashing of teeth because demons can fly, shapeshift, and live for thousands of years, while humans can’t. These differences, not surprisingly, precipitate frustration, envy, conflict, and the quick dissolution of such unions.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** thats the same reason that you shouldnt marry someone much much older than you

the age gap and the power gap

**SubversiveSnark:** That’s precisely it, child. (And that was a lesson that I had not yet learned when I met Nakuset.)

I know of one demon, Lilith, who marries a human or a human/demon hybrid every century or so. As far as I can tell when Aziraphale and I visit her, Lilith and her spouses of the moment always get on well with each other, despite the differences. I suppose that’s because she knows what she wants and looks for a very specific type who’s satisfied with what she offers.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** i have???? so many????? questions?????

1 who the heck is lilith?? you mentioned her in your letter

2 spouseZZZZZZ??? how many spouses does she have at a time???

3 whats her very specific type???

**SubversiveSnark:** According to Lilith, she was the first woman before Eve. She refused to “lie under Adam” (nudge nudge, wink wink), so she was evicted and cursed with demonhood. She says it’s the best thing that ever happened to her because now she does as she pleases without worrying about the consequences.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** does she actually say nudge nudge?

**SubversiveSnark:** Yes, I love Lilith dearly, but she has no sense of restraint or subtlety.

Anyway, she became known as the mother of all demons, not because she actually is, but because she has been either mother or father to countless human/demon hybrids.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** mother or father??????

does she change the way you do?

**SubversiveSnark:** She and I are among the minority of demons who are comfortable in multiple forms. I don’t know how she experiences her various genders. I only know that she has been both biological mother and biological father to children.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** wow

**SubversiveSnark:** In answer to your second question, Lilith usually has one or two spouses at a time. Her type is, frankly, somewhat submissive people who don’t mind that she takes control.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** wowwwwwwwwwwww

**SubversiveSnark:** Does this truly surprise you, child, after your eavesdropping adventures?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** not really no

i am!!!! learning!!!! so much!!!!

demon sex ed class is great!

**SubversiveSnark:** Well, that’s the point of a comprehensive education. 

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** so back to nakuset

how do you back off from marriage in a situation like that????

**SubversiveSnark:** With extreme diplomacy. I heaped praise on Nakuset for her beauty, bravery, cleverness, etc., her family for their trust and hospitality and generosity, Mekwek for her wisdom, insight, and tact. 

I said that Nakuset was a wonderful person who would make someone very happy, but I could not be that person. I was traveling across the world in search of knowledge, and I couldn’t stay until I had achieved it. So I said goodbye.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** awwwwwww!!!!

thats a really bittersweet ending

nakuset was back with her family, but you really missed each other

**SubversiveSnark:** All right, that’s it for today. Class dismissed. We have already gone on much longer than I anticipated, and I am overdue at special collections.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh heck im sorry

didnt mean to make you late

do you work there?

**SubversiveSnark:** Don’t worry about it. 

And no, Aziraphale would never permit me to sully his sanctum. I only go there because SOMEONE has to resuscitate the plants he keeps killing.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yeah you were doing all the gardening back when you were at my house

werent you?

**SubversiveSnark:** Well, I’m pleased that at least ONE Dowling noticed the labor I put in on behalf of that house’s disastrously neglected flora.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** my parents treated you like heck

ugh

im sorry

**SubversiveSnark:** Yes, child, your father treated me much the same way they treated you: with little guidance and much disappointment. Your mother — now she was a different story.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** good thing we had each other

at least for 9 years

i think thats maybe why i never ran away

because i knew that you existed

and someday id be free and i could go out

and find you

**SubversiveSnark:** And you have, for which I am immensely grateful and glad!

Anyway, the plants in special collections keep getting sick, like clockwork.

And, like clockwork, I restore them.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** aziraphale better notice!!

**SubversiveSnark:** Oh, he does. Every time I’m there, I show him, in excruciating detail, what he’s doing wrong, and what I’m doing right.

It’s always a delightful afternoon!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** your idea of fun is hecked up

why would you tell him hes a failure

again and again and again???

thats just mean!!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** “In every job that must be done,

There is an element of fun.

Just find the fun, and SNAP!

The job’s a game.”

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** is that a nursery rhyme?

**SubversiveSnark:** It’s from Mary Poppins. The movie, of course. I have no idea if it was in the book.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** why are you mary poppinsing at me?

she always creeped me right the heck out

**SubversiveSnark:** Really? Why? She always seemed rather innocuous to me.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** thats because you didnt read the books

she was a sadistic jerk!!

sure she seemed all nice and perky and happy

in the movie at least

but in the books she was a hecking nightmare

totally steamrolling in and parking herself in the banks family

and she always came off like the worst grownup

she never explained everything

she was like the embodiment of because i said so!

and she was snobby and crabby

even when she didnt have to be

and she never told the kids if the magic was real or not

its like she just wanted to come in, bowl them over, mess with their heads,

then leave

**SubversiveSnark:** Well now! Consider me edified. She would have made a good demon then. That’s certainly an effective way to make children doubt their own perceptions, submit to arbitrary rules, accept derisive treatment, and develop an unhealthy attachment to an unreliable authority figure.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yikes

a literal nanny from hell

i knew that was a reason i didnt like those books

**SubversiveSnark:** Child...did I ever come off like that?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** nononono, gods no, never ever ever

everyone always thought you were like that because of how you looked

but, as soon as they got to know you, they realized that you were more like

very strong, very imposing, very sharp, but very

um

right and good and caring

**SubversiveSnark:** Oh, what a relief!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** like that teacher who drives you hard and is really strict

but you learn a lot from them and they change your life

and then you become friends and youre like

yeah wow this person was amaaaaaazing

so smart and so disciplined and so passionate about everything

and i see now that they wanted the best from me

and now im like a better person

yeah thats you

**SubversiveSnark:** I would much rather be that person than Mary Poppins.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** honestly??? i think you scared the grownups more

all us kids figured out soon enough that you looked like an evil witch

but acted more like a teacher witch

but the grownups just kept flipping their lids

**SubversiveSnark:** The power of winning the trust of children, while simultaneously unnerving their parents, is a formidable one indeed. Remind me to teach it to you one day.

Anyway...I brought up that bit from Mary Poppins because…

Well, if I have something I want to accomplish, finding the humor in the situation and using that usually helps.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yeah because you actually have a sense of humor

unlike scary poopins

oh

wait

so

you mean like

you want to find out what im thinking about theology and everything

so you say, class time! essay question!

**SubversiveSnark:** Indeed.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** so with aziraphale it’s

objurgation time!!! youre horrible with plants!!!

let me count the ways!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** Precisely.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** thats still not fun though

**SubversiveSnark:** The situation is analogous to the one in which I condemn you as an impertinent child and you say, “Yes, ma’am! No, ma’am! Wait a minute… What was the question, ma’am?” And I know for a fact you find that entertaining.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** ah hah!!!!

so its rp

**SubversiveSnark:** Did you just compare me to R.P. Tyler, of all people? Child! Explain yourself this instant!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** nononononono

rp = role play

you know, like people do online

or with phone sex

**SubversiveSnark:** Oh! I understand now. Pardon me. I’m clearly rather edgy.

I’m sorry to have to leave, but I really need to objurgate my ineffable spouse and calm down.

Goodbye, child! I hope to talk to you soon.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** bye for now!!!!!

wait that relaxes you?????

**_SubversiveSnark_ ** _is offline._

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** it must be a sex thing

yeah

its a sex thing

demon sex ed ftw!!


	21. The Demon of Life and the Angel of Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck and Nanny chat. Heck reports that she told her dad that she hates fishing trips [!]. Nanny makes a surprisingly generous offer that reduces Heck to tears. We hear more about Heck's unhappy family, the previous day's objurgation session between Nanny and Aziraphale, and care instructions for a Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.
> 
> Note: This chapter contains a discussion of deadnaming and misgendering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: This chapter contains a discussion of deadnaming and misgendering.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** hello hello hello!

**SubversiveSnark:** Hello hello hello!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** crowley? hi!

**SubversiveSnark:** No, it’s Nanny.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** hiiiiiiiiiii nannnnnnyyyyyyyy!

**SubversiveSnark:** Does that mean an impending objurgation for doofusosity?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** no it was just like happy yelling out

**SubversiveSnark:** Much better! And how are you doing today?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** well i guess i must be feeling really brave

i dont know what came over me, but

my dad called

he started going off about this week-long fishing trip he wanted to take me on

so i finally said

wait dad no

i cant go on anymore fishing trips

i cant stand hurting worms

and its just really boring for me

and im vegetarian anyway

i didnt tell him that it was boring because he was more like talking at me

instead of talking to me

but i said i couldnt do anymore fishing trips

**SubversiveSnark:** My dear damnable daughter!

I’m so proud of you!

I know how...let’s say “self-involved” and “inattentive”...your father can be.

And I know that makes him rather daunting to speak one’s mind to.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** hes an arrogant jerk really

its okay

you can say it

**SubversiveSnark:** But it sounds like you told him what was important to you in a respectful and assertive manner.

My wonderful hellspawn!

Dare I ask what his reaction was?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh, you know, he made it all about him

of course

why didnt you tell me??? he goes

i said id never been able to put worms on hooks and always went ewwww no

and ive been reminding him im a vegetarian for 3 years now

its not my fault that he has his head so far up his own ass that he cant listen

(i didnt say that, dont worry)

**SubversiveSnark:** I’m so sorry that he won’t listen to you.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** me too

but im used to it

and then he went off about how he worked so hard on our father-son bond

and im just

**SubversiveSnark:** Oh, child. You can neither see me nor hear me, but I’m cringing and hissing. (That tends to happen when I’m emotional — the hissing, not the cringing.)

That’s horrible, and I’m so very sorry you had to deal with that.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** so then i said

oh wow i think the lines acting up again, i cant hear you

and hung up

and didnt answer the 3 times he called back

ive just been lying down in my room

in the dark

for a bit

trying to calm down

praying a bit

well its not really a prayer if im just like

persephone, keeper of the holy darkness of mercy and the night out of which comes the fruit of death and the knowledge of grief

please dont let me barf on my bedspread

kthx

**SubversiveSnark:** That’s a lovely prayer. Where did you find the invocation, the “holy darkness of mercy” and “the fruit of death?”

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** um i made it up

**SubversiveSnark:** That’s genuinely poetic, and I love it.

Contrary to common Heavenly knowledge, prayer is whatever you want it to be.

Whenever Aziraphale becomes so thrilled with something that he literally levitates, that’s a prayer.

When I ranted at God and ended with “Why am I here? Why should I induce humans to evil when they themselves do it more effectively on their own? What is the point of angels and demons? And do You even care that Your supposed most favorite creation is hurting themselves? Why don’t You do anything? Do You really believe that the incomprehensibly cruel means justify Your ineffable ends? How do You live with Yourself? WHY?!” that was my way of praying.

And if you ask Persephone to help you keep from throwing up on your duvet, that’s also a prayer.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yeah i guess

i dunno

every time i hear them say SON

and theyre really obsessed with it

like the schrodingers dick had better be there

because its super important to the fate of the world

i just want to scream

im not!!!!! your!!!!! son!!!! you never wanted me anyway

my dad just wanted a status symbol with a dick

and my mom just wanted something that would love her more than dad

my whole stupid, stupid name

warlock damien asmodeus dowling

was just my mom giving a middle finger at dad

for not being there when i was born

she took all the suggestions from the satanic nuns

not from my dads side

who all wanted me to be thaddeus james asshole bastard the 17th

i am literally not a person to them

just a rope they use to play tug of war

**SubversiveSnark:** Oh...child… I know your mother and father struggled to love you. I know they acted their conflicts out on you. And I know that your father especially ignored who you really were in favor of what he wanted you to be. And I know how much that hurt you and hurts you still.

Please remember that you never deserved any of that then and you don’t deserve any of it now. You are an amazing hellspawn that, truly, any parent should be proud to have the privilege to raise and to watch learn, develop, mature, and surpass them in all the best ways.

I know I was only there for the first nine years of your life, and I know that we haven’t seen each other since then, but, if it comforts you, please know that I have always thought of you as my daughter.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** you dont just think of me like im your kid

im your actual kid

your actual hellspawn

because you actually love me and care about me and see me

me, heck

not schrodinger’s dick

youre my actual real live hellmom, and aziraphales my actual real live angeldad

and thats why i took your names

hecate frances ashtoreth dowling

because youre the family i want to be part of

**SubversiveSnark:** And you are part of it, my dear damnable daughter. You most assuredly are.

If you ever feel unsafe or threatened or even just fed up at your mother’s house, always know that you have a home here with us.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** ohgodsohgods

now im

crying

having a moment

a series of moments

localized rainshowers and all

thank you, just

thank you

i dont know if ill need it

but just knowing that i could, that makes so much difference

**SubversiveSnark:** Of course, child, of course.

(Offers virtual handkerchief.)

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** covers it with snot

**SubversiveSnark:** (Hellicles the snot off so that it can be used again.)

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** gets it all wet again

hey

um

do you mind if we talk about something else?

**SubversiveSnark:** No, not at all, whatever you want to do, my dear.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** so

how did the visit to special collections go???

was it relaxing?? 

**SubversiveSnark:** Yes, we had a very enjoyable time.

Well, until I realized that Aziraphale wasn’t taking proper care of his Tree.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** a special tree i assume?

**SubversiveSnark:** Rather, yes. It’s a cutting from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. I have one as the centerpiece of my garden, but it’s never borne any fruit. 

Aziraphale suggested that perhaps it needed knowledge to feed on, so I began to read Wikipedia to it and put mulch around it made of old books. 

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** i bet it liked that!!

**SubversiveSnark:** It did! Then I thought that perhaps it would flourish even better if it were in with his books, surrounded by an entire ecosystem of questions and answers and theories and evidence, not to mention the curiosity of the humans who come in.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** awwwww yesssss

thats perfect

sooooooo cute!

**SubversiveSnark:** So, because I didn’t want to uproot my entire Tree, I potted a cutting and wrote up care instructions and found the best location for it.

Aziraphale was helping me out the whole way through too. He bought the pot, took notes, cleared out a space by a window for it. He was so excited; he promised he would take the best care of it.

It’s really not that difficult to take care of a Tree like that. It mainly needs water and attention. No objurgation, though. If you really want a Tree to bear fruit, you have to WONDER by it. Daydream. Puzzle. Theorize. Open your mind. That’s how it grows.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** awwwww i love this tree already

i want to pet it and be its friend

and ask it all sorts of things

**SubversiveSnark:** Well, you can certainly meet mine someday. I’ve been wondering and hoping and thinking about you right next to it as much as possible, and it’s doing better than ever!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** id love to

but i bet aziraphales tree isnt doing too well huh?

**SubversiveSnark:** After all that… All that!

He forgot to water it, so I installed a tiny automatic sprinkler.

He really is like walking death where plants are concerned!

That’s why I insisted that I was taking primary care of you when we came to the Dowling household.

I didn’t want to take any chances.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** well youre a demon of life

and hes an angel of death

you balance each other out that way

**SubversiveSnark:** I actually never thought of it from that perspective before. 

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** maybe you shouldnt give him so many plants and then objurgate him about like something he cant really control???

just a thought

**SubversiveSnark:** Well, I certainly can’t stop entirely. Aziraphale would be very disappointed if he knew his misbehavior was no longer making me twitch!

But I do see your point. Thank you, child. That’s very thought-provoking. 

I don’t think that he has considered that either. I shall have to tell him sometime!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yeah and, on that note

im!!! finally!!!!! ready!!!!!!

i want to meet you, like in person

just need to decide where

a cafe obviously

and what to eat

  



	22. "Dunking Doughnuts"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck, Nanny, and Aziraphale discuss where to meet. We learn about how Nanny deals with crappy middle managers. We explore Aziraphale's foodie interests. We also learn about another of Heck's friends, Alecto, who will be there, keeping an eye on Heck while she reunites with Hellmom and Angeldad.

**SubversiveSnark:** Do you mind if Aziraphale is in on this part? He has Very Definite Opinions on this sort of thing.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** no thats okay

he can come in

**_PrincipallyAziraphale_ ** _ has joined. _

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Now I heard that food was up for discussion and my expertise as a gourmand was required!

**SubversiveSnark:** Not really, we just let you in because you would have leant on my shoulder, babbling suggestions in my ear, otherwise.

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Thank you for the compliment, my dear lady.

Anyway, if it’s a tea shop you want, there’s a place in Constantinople that’s just divine.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** i cant go to istanbul for coffee!!!

i make minimum wage at dunkin donuts

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Oh, don’t worry, my dear. It would be our treat. The demon and I have a sort of arrangement with our most patronized restaurants. 

They’ve noticed that, whenever we eat there, everything goes smoothly. The food tastes better, diners are polite and satisfied, the servers are treated well, that indelible stain under the oven vent disappears. They’re always glad to reserve us a table in exchange for a run of good fortune.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay now thats cool!!!!!

but what if like theyre not refrigerating their dairy products promptly or treating their employees bad?

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Nanny has her ways of addressing shortcomings like that, don’t you, dear heart?

**SubversiveSnark:** There’s a special place in Hell for managers who exploit minimum wage earners! 

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh gods, do you really send people there?

noooooo!!!! thats mean!!!!

what if there are extenuating circumstances????

**SubversiveSnark:** I’ve never sent anyone to Hell. It’s so dreary, with all the screams of woe and bad fluorescent lighting.

No, I find it much more effective to say I’m from the sanitation commission or the labor review board. Irregularities have been noticed, and severe consequences may occur if certain actions are not taken, etc., etc., etc., withering glare, chilling eyebrow maneuver, and so on. 

And then, suddenly, there’s never a problem again, even though I do surprise spot checks! It’s a hellicle!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay now that i approve of

hey can you do something about my assistant manager???

there are people who are supposed to be fulltime

but she keeps scheduling them just under the fulltime hours

that way theyre not eligible for benefits

**SubversiveSnark:** In Nanny Ashtoreth’s expert opinion, people like that should not be in positions of authority. Ugh, that really gets my goat!

And I don’t even have goats!

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Presumably because they’ve all been gotten.

**SubversiveSnark:** Don’t worry, child. We’ll talk about the details a bit later, and I’ll make sure to pay a visit to this assistant manager at this “Dunking Doughnuts” of yours.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand. Why don’t we meet somewhere closer to our daughter’s home, Aziraphale?

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Do you like poutine, Heck? If we go to Cafe Laurentide in Montreal,

**SubversiveSnark:** I didn’t mean on the same continent! I meant in the same town!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** um im kind of lactose intolerant

also im vegetarian

but i eat eggs

how about someplace closer, in the city, like lower manhattan?

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Oooooh yes! There’s a gastropub called the Phenomenon, and they’re doing very interesting things with

**SubversiveSnark:** It’s one of those places that gives you a cow and a tomato and calls it a deconstructed hamburger with ketchup. No thank you!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** well, my friends are coming with me

not to hang out with us, but just to keep an eye on me

not that youre sketchy kidnappers or anything

its just that i feel safer with them watching out

but its just that theyre not super rich

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Ah, I see. Well, we shall certainly find a place that accommodates your friends as well.

And who will be accompanying you? You have the most interesting friends. I heard about Arugula and found a video of her performance on Youtube. While I can’t say the music was to my taste,

**SubversiveSnark:** That’s because your taste runs toward people who have been dead at least 75 years.

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** I must say that your friend’s performance was quite the thrill! Such passion! And I love the way that she added flourishes to the beginning or ending of her signs and turned them into dance moves.

**SubversiveSnark:** There’s a video? And you didn’t show me? Devilish angel! Disciplinary action might be required.

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** No, it won’t. I’ll show you later.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** well yeah arugulas gonna be there

but you cant interview her about interpreting okay???

she and alecto are on like guard duty

**SubversiveSnark:** Good call. The doofus over here was plotting about interrogating her, I could tell.

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** It’s just that I’ve never seen the like!

**SubversiveSnark:** Don’t worry, child. I’ll make sure he leaves your spies unspied upon. Who’s Alecto?

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** They must be an equally charming person too!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** well shes a bit older than me

like mid twenties

arugula and i have classes together, but alecto is my hairdresser

you know how sometimes you have nothing to do except to talk to the hairdresser while theyre working on your head

i was asking about one of her tattoos, she has loads

and she said oh thats a rune of binding, its for my other job

i was all excited because runes, you know, maybe she was another witch?

turns out shes a night wizard

not a black magic wizard, she doesn’t think its fair to associate black with evil and negativity and bad

but a night wizard because she does most of her work at night

**SubversiveSnark:** As you would say, child, details, details, I need details!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** shes part of the what goes around, comes around coven

and its pretty specialized magic

sometimes in wicca theres the threefold law

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** “Whatever you do will be returned to you in treble.” (I’ve been doing my research!)

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yes!!!!! and its a reminder that being good tends to make other people be good to you, but

if you’re bad,

the meanness comes around and bites you in the ass three times eventually

**SubversiveSnark:** Hmmmmm. And the What Goes Around Comes Around Coven is working with this law, I presume. Perhaps the metaphorical ass-biting part?

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Don’t be vulgar, Nanny! It seems to me that Alecto and her compatriots concentrate on perpetuating the negative aspect of the Threefold Law.

**SubversiveSnark:** Which is precisely what I said, my darling heavenly doofus.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** wow you guys are good

sorry nanny, not guys

wow youre good, got it in one

alectos on the asskicking end of things, but shes not evil or anything

i mean theres enough people out there being mean to each other

shes just making sure they dont get away with it

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Her name is very apt then. If you are conversant with Ancient Greek deities, you probably know who Alecto is, right, Heck?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** ummmmmm

sounds familiar but i cant place it

one of the fates maybe????

no, i dont know, i forgot

nannys gonna kick my ass for sure

**SubversiveSnark:** Excuse me, but I do not kick people’s asses. I just give them a Look that fills them with the sudden inspiration to kick their own ass. 

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** I don’t even want to try parsing that mangled metaphor.

Alecto is one of the Furies, the Kindly Ones, the Daughters of Night, chthonic deities of vengeance.

Her province is moral crimes. She’s the embodiment of comeuppance. 

A lovely flautist too, with an adventurous palate, always up for a new taste. I don’t fancy her sense of humor, though.

**SubversiveSnark:** He’s just saying that because of the dinner party where he was under the impression that everyone was positively riveted to his epic saga about waistcoat repairs. (The wallpaper was more interesting.) 

Finally Alecto gave him the leaky wine glass just to change the subject. Drip drip drip… 

Aziraphale’s eyeballs practically fell out of his head when he saw a stain on his jacket!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay that wasnt very nice of her

especially when its really really fancy clothes

im with aziraphale on this

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** There, do you see, dear? My paternal lessons clearly predominate, for our daughter has developed a rich sense of empathy and understanding of others’ values, which she certainly didn’t get from YOU.

**SubversiveSnark:** Just because I am cold-blooded doesn’t mean I’m cold-hearted. I seem to recall that I was the one who told Alecto never to prank you again, especially when your clothes were involved.

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Did you just stick out your tongue at me?

**SubversiveSnark:** Just the end. Very decorously.

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** You hissed!

**SubversiveSnark:** Yes, snakes do that on occasion.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** you two are such sillies

so anyway you know that politician, evangelical republican,

making all that noise about abortion restrictions

and it turns out he pressured his college girlfriend to have one?

**SubversiveSnark:** Sadly, child, that doesn’t narrow things down at all. There’s still a pool of at least several hundred to choose from in this country alone.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** he was from new york

anyway the coven raised money to hire a private investigator

who found the news about the abortion

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** A heuristics-based praxis of proletariat justice! Marvelous!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** a what now???????

**SubversiveSnark:** Practical grassroots justice.

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Back on the subject of where to meet… There’s always Dunkin Donuts then. I must admit that they have some iced beverages with very intriguing neon colors…

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh sweet

i get an employee discount

but...are you saying that just to be nice?

i know you’re really a foodie

**SubversiveSnark:** Precisely, my dear. If someone at some point in human history called it food, he’s interested.

Don’t let the spendy, trendy restaurants fool you, he’s mostly just showing off.

He tried to make me lick rocks in the Dead Sea!

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Salt has different tastes around the world, depending on the various minerals mixed within, and I happen to find Dead Sea salt particularly piquant.

**SubversiveSnark:** He also eats potted meat products and that foamy stuff from aerosol cans that’s supposed to be cheese, but which looks like some kind of adhesive.

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** The pairing is a veritable symphony of tastes. Stop fake retching into your handkerchief, my dear demon! It’s most distracting.

**SubversiveSnark:** Let’s cut this short, shall we, before my stomach turns again? We’ve agreed on a Dunking Doughnuts within a short distance of our hellspawn’s house.

Why don’t you name a location and a time that works for you and your compatriots, child? We can work around that.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** good idea, sounds like a plan

ill talk to them and see what works asap

itll be really soon though, i promise

im so so so so heckin excited!!!!!!

i cant wait to see you, its been years!!!!!!!

well unless it’s crowley because ive never met him

but anyway bye for now!!!!!

i cant wait to see you two again (or crowley for the first time)!!!!!!!

ps to nanny: its actually called dunkin donuts

thats the name

not everything is a spelling mistake for your red pen haha!!!


	23. Your Dudes Are Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arugula and Alecto, inside Dunkin Donuts, give running commentary on Crowley and Aziraphale while Heck hides outside and tries to gain the courage to go in. Crowley chugs coffee. Aziraphale lingers over a jelly doughnut. Crowley stands up, sits down, and falls off everything. Aziraphale tries to calm him down. All this activity is relayed to Heck by her faithful [and very!! professional!!] secret agents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hurried up to post this because I just had so much fun describing Aziraphale and Crowley from outsiders' points of view, albeit the perspective of some pretty insightful observers. Anyway, I wanted to share the utter silliness with everyone ASAP.
> 
> I really hope that you can envision our Dynamic Disaster Duo -- one (1) hyperkinetically anxious demon and one (1) restrainedly wiggling angel -- as vividly as I can.
> 
> And a shout-out to spoonie readers or anyone who has had to leave an event right before something interesting happened -- this one's for you!

**Arugula:** we’re here

we’re queer

so stick it in your ear

where the you are you???

**Alecto:** Agent Moral Fury paging Agent Hellspawn.

Come in, Agent Hellspawn. Over.

**Heck:** im outside okay????

trying to get up enough courage to walk in

**Arugula:** my dude,

your dudes are here

so are we

what are you waiting for?

**Alecto:** We’re staking them out from across the shop.

Completely incognito.

They suspect nothing!

**Heck:** dude

what dudes are you talking about?

**Arugula:** your dudes, dude

mr bowtie and your fairy godmother

**Heck:** um

okay

my dudes

so i guess i have dudes now

are you in disguise?????!!!!!

**Alecto:** Yup.

Blue bob wig, black contacts, flowered boiler suit.

**Heck:** thats not a disguise

thats a look at me costume!

what are you, a demonic auto body worker???!

**Alecto:** I like it!

I should put that on my business card.

Alecto Nilsson, Hairdresser, Night Wizard, and Auto Body Worker From Hell!

**Heck:** omggggggg

arugula dont tell me youre in disguise too

**Arugula:** totally subtle, I swear

**Alecto:** She’s wearing one of those Groucho Marx glasses and mustache things.

And a propeller beanie.

**Heck:** omggggggg

you guysssssssss

dont you have anything better to do?????

**Arugula:** hey listen

maybe some of us have super fabulous queer godparents who drive allllllll the way from england to have tea with us

but, for others of us, life is pretty boring

you have to find excitement somehow

**Alecto:** Yeah seriously. We never do stakeouts with the coven.

It’s always drafting spells and squinting at redacted records.

Let me pretend I’m a real detective, okay?

**Heck:** okay doofuses

hey if you want to be a detective

can you tell me what they look like

and what theyre doing

im not going in yet

theyre like 45 minutes early

and i havent calmed down

still feel barfy

**Arugula:** well, your fairy godmother is hot as hell!!!!

tall, thin, kinda pale

he’s got red hair, darker, with streaks of brown

and he’s wearing all black, shirt, blazer, tie, jeans, and it’s all hanging so neatly and sexily on him that you just want to rip it right off

well, I do

and the way that he walks, I could stare at his butt forever

he walks in these like waves, like he’s faaaaalling to one side,

and then he catches himself and faaaaaalls to the other side

and somehow that turns into forward motion

he’s made entirely of curves, even though his body really isn’t

does that make any sense?

**Heck:** snaky, like a snake of critical thinking?

the serpent of temptation?

**Arugula:** yes! exactly!

verrrrrrry tempting

i wonder if he knows asl?

don’t worry, i won’t hit on him!

**Heck:** you better not!

**Alecto:** I’m digging the look, but I’m not sure he is.

**Heck:** what do you mean?

**Alecto:** He has his hair up in a French twist with loose pieces around the face, and he keeps winding them around his fingers. 

Or he’s messing around with his earrings. They’re bunches of short black crystals with the ends swinging loose, and he keeps flicking them. 

And the makeup’s really well done, but

**Heck:** wait i thought you were across the shop

how can you see his makeup????

are you spying through binoculars????

if youre spying through binoculars im going to kick your ass!!!!

**Alecto:** Please! I’m a highly trained secret agent.

I just happen to go to the bathroom occasionally.

Which just happens to take me right by their table.

He keeps biting his lip and messing up his lipstick, then reapplying it.

And Mr. Bowtie is leaning over, probably telling him to chill.

**Arugula:** I feel kinda sorry for him, your fairy godmother, I mean

he looks like he wants to shed his skin and run away

playing with your gender and stuff is supposed to be fun

or at least an interesting experiment

and he looks terrified

**Heck:** no im pretty sure hes cool with all his genders

i think hes just nervous about the meeting

**Alecto:** He’s on his third full caff dark roast since they got here.

Which can’t be helping at all.

He can’t stop moving! Puts his feet up, puts his feet down, stands up, paces around, sits down, tries to stretch out all casual, slips off chair, goes thunk on the floor…

I’m kind of glad your fairy godmother doesn’t have wings. I just imagine him fidgeting and knocking over people and tables.

**Heck:** aziraphales there too

right?

**Arugula:** angeldad, right

yeah, he’s here too

he gives off this really interesting vibe

50% kindly old absentminded professor who thinks everything you do is just wonderful, dear

50% librarian who is Always Right and will kill you with a date due stamp if you do something wrong

**Heck:** aziraphale????

a homicidal librarian????

what the me are you talking about????

**Arugula:** well, you see, he fools you at first with the round face and the fluffy blond hair and the little bit of a pot belly and the bowtie

you think, awww, he’s that kind of fussy old gay guy, you know

**Alecto:** The kind they stick in movies as comic relief and think it counts as positive queer representation.

WHICH IT DOESN’T.

**Arugula:** but then you see how sharp and clear his eyes are, how carefully he watches everything,

how precise his hands are, like he could either make beautiful origami or a weapon from a straw wrapper,

and how his clothes are so perfectly put together

**Alecto:** Sharp dresser. Literally very sharp. The pleats in the pants, the corners on the bowtie.

**Heck:** okay

wow

i...did not...expect that

now im a little scared of him

yikes!!

**Alecto:** Well, he’s also having some completely adorable tastegasm over a jelly doughnut, and he clearly adores your fairy godmother, so there’s that.

**Arugula:** he’s drinking one of those nasty blue iced drinks like it’s some super rare wine

really!

he looked at the color for a while, opened the lid, smelled it

i read his lips, he said oooh an exquisite bouquet of artificial raspberry and high fructose corn syrup!

then he drank it very carefully, in little sips, holding them in his mouth, like it was the best thing ever

and he’s doing the same with the jelly doughnut

he literally closes his eyes and crinkles his nose when he bites into it

and he wiggles in his seat

he wiggles!

i kind of love him

AND HIS WIGGLES

and all the while he’s completely focused on your fairy godmother, talking to him very quietly, reaching out to touch him across the table, getting him another napkin when he shreds it, mopping up the coffee when he knocks it over (he’s done that twice)

that, my dude, is TRUE WUVS

**Alecto:** Meanwhile I would just like you to know that, the last time I went by, your fairy godmother just looked into his cup and was like, Well, my coffee tastes of thwarted ambition and and regret, the barista who made it must be having a bad day.

These two are hilarious!

**Arugula:** now they said something about you and the assistant manager, and they’re going up to the counter

**Heck:** oh right, i told them about the assistant managers crappy hiring practices

how she wont make people fulltime

**Alecto:** What can they do about that? 

Are they labor violations investigators? Night wizards?

**Heck:** well i call them hellmom and angeldad for a reason

they can be verrrrrrrry convincing when they need to

**Alecto:** Are you ever coming in?

**Heck:** i have 10 more minutes!!!!!

and im still queasy!!!

and theyre talking to the assistant manager anyway!!!

**Arugula:** well dudes

sorry to bail, but i feel a spooncrash coming on

**Alecto:** Was it the fairy godmother? Because I think my blood pressure just spiked watching him be so anxious. Now I’m all tied up in knots.

**Arugula:** sort of

also my knees kept me up last night

and you know what that does

**Heck:** all the remaining spoons turn into knives??

**Arugula:** yup, so im going to catch a cab before that happens

**Heck:** yeah yeah, go

do what you have to do

thanks so much for casing the joint for me

**Alecto:** Don’t worry, Agent Hellspawn.

Agent Moral Fury can handle this from here!

**Arugula:** but i’ll still text you and make sure they’re not doing evil things to you like

i dunno, hugging you

or gazing at you with WUVS

or buying you lunch

peace out, my dudes

**Heck:** haha okay thanks

**Alecto:** Just FYI, they came back from the back room, and they’re looking very smug, so I think they must have done something good.

Are you ever coming in????

**Heck:** gulp

okay

im going in

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	24. The Angel to the Witch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale writes a thank you note to Heck. He loves doughnut holes and Mary Poppins and Amelia Bedelia and literary analysis and read-alouds in the garden and little Heck's endless questions and spit spots and Nanny the Uncanny. Most of all, he loves the three of them -- him and his demon and his witch -- all together, as a family. Overflowing with happiness, he can't wait to meet Heck again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was reading Mary Poppins books for research when I wrote this chapter. 
> 
> She is SOMETHING ELSE. Don't let the Technicolor cheer of the Disney movie musical version fool you. Mary Poppins is a Force of Nature (to use capitals as P.L. Travers uses them, i.e., for Humorous Emphasis). In no particular order, she... 
> 
> \--has an empty carpet bag that nevertheless holds everything  
> \--knows the language of babies and animals  
> \--turns chalk drawings into actual places  
> \--holds her birthday at the zoo where the ruler of beasts (a golden snake, incidentally) honors her  
> \--dances with the personified Sun  
> \--literally brings spring out of winter by planting wooden flowers that turn real  
> \--glues gilt stars from gingerbread up into the sky that then become real  
> \--knows people from nursery rhymes  
> \--and, just to top it all off, terrorizes Mr. Banks' former governess by setting free the lark that she caught and sticking her in the cage instead
> 
> On top of all that, she's a weirdly hostile person. She has great vanity, a habit of sniffing arrogantly, a tendency to reprimand the kids when they just act like kids, a stubborn refusal to confirm any of the magic adventures she instigates, and this strangely vociferous, persistent denial of her uncanny nature. One wonders how much she likes messing with the Bankses' heads...
> 
> Anyway, Mary Poppins is a Force of Nature and Not a Nice Person. Also, just so you know, there's also a flaming load of racist poo strewn through the series, mostly in the form of disparaging comparisons between the rowdy kids and supposedly "uncivilized" people, including, but not limited to, "Hottentots," "Zulus," "blackamoors," "Red Indians," and "Hindoos." Read carefully and critically. But, if you ever want to marvel at P.L. Travers' evocation of a latter-day Mother Earth/Chaos deity, you might want to check out Mary Poppins.

Dearest daughter,

I know that I haven’t written to you before. I hope that you won’t consider it an intrusion on your correspondence with Crowley, but I really would like to express my feelings to you.

I had a thoroughly delightful time with you at Dunkin Donuts yesterday. I have never patronized such an establishment before, possibly because they are not as common in England. I really should have discovered before the wonders that lay therein! I particularly liked that blue beverage, as well as the doughnut with the viscous red substance injected into it. Both of these delectable treats charmed my palate with their bold, garish, and yet somehow exhilarating flavors.

But you already know that because you joined Crowley in mocking me most mercilessly for my supposedly plebeian tastes. Know this, then. You have instigated a culinary feud which shall last for the rest of time. I shall tease you tirelessly for your attachment to those oxymoronic absurdities known as “doughnut holes.” You shall rue the day that you antagonized the Principality Aziraphale, erstwhile Guardian of the Eastern Gate and current proprietor of A.Z. Fell’s Bookshop!

I did so enjoy our stimulating chat on the subject of nannies and other servants in children’s literature. I know you see Mary Poppins as more of a Trickster archetype. Nevertheless, I stand firm in my belief that she actually hearkens back to a figure more like Gaia, a generative and threatening mother/earth/goddess. _Q.v.,_ the much-revised _Bad Tuesday_ chapter in the first book in the series. In this vignette, Mary Poppins, using a magical compass, instantaneously takes the children literally to the four corners of the earth, thereby demonstrating her dominion over space, time, and the entire planet. Her scope is global, her power primordial. 

Given our divergent interpretations of Mary Poppins, I thought you might want to refer directly to the primary texts as you continue your analysis. I have enclosed first editions of _Mary Poppins, Mary Poppins Comes Back, Mary Poppins Opens the Door,_ and _Mary Poppins in the Park_ for starters. If you’d like any of the later volumes, do let me know!

On the subject of enchanted domestics, I do agree with you on one point, however. I have looked into the American Amelia Bedelia character. While she is more of a maidservant than a nanny, she definitely embodies a roguish, even chthonic, energy. Your observation that she has effectively turned the tables on her employers is quite astute. Indeed, she does make mistakes at her duties with seemingly intentional and willful frequency. Her employers end up taking care of the problems themselves, while Amelia Bedelia bakes a pie and makes everyone happy again. At this point, her employers basically work for her, and there is quite something of the Bakhtinian carnivalesque in her reversal of the expected order. She is definitely a formidable Trickster, and her employers do not know the magnitude of the power that they’re dealing with.

Do you remember, when you were young, how the three of us (you, Nanny, and I in the person of Francis) spent summer afternoons in the shade of the main garden, reading aloud? We sat in the gallowswood bower, with the wild roses tangling everywhere, and the air was filled with the sweetness of their scent. We whiled away entire afternoons in the shade, drinking that marvelous fizzy limeade and reading those fanciful stories. It was a perfect idyll!

I remember always having the same kinds of conversations. Some character would do something fantastical — Dorothy traveling from Kansas to Oz on a tornado, for example — and you would always want to know _how_ and _why._ You would propose a scientifically based explanation. I would say something outrageous and fanciful. Nanny alternated between deadpan comments and unenthusiastic reprimands in a failed attempt to convince us that she wasn’t enjoying herself.

Oh! Speaking of Mary Poppins, a memory has just come back to me verbatim. If you are still anxious from our reunion, let this pleasant reminiscence perhaps give your mind some solace.

We drowsed in one of those late August days when the warmth and humidity give everything, even the golden light, a somnolent weight. You must have been around eight, for I recall that you had your hair all shaved, except for a narrow strip from the front to the back of your head, which you and Nanny had dyed just the color of her favorite dark plum lipstick. You went around all summer in one of Nanny’s hats, the one with the dried purple roses on it and the lace veil, to protect your scalp. I remember your father threatening to take away your video games, your fishing tackle, and your baseball equipment (all of which collecting dust in the closet), but you wouldn’t take it off. You said you didn’t want skin cancer.

Nanny had just been on read-aloud duty for about a half an hour, so she passed that responsibility to me in favor of removing the dead blooms from the flowers of flesh. (As you know, when she overtook the gardening responsibilities that were nominally mine, her nightmarish flora crowded out all conventional plants.) So I sat on the bench by that wretched water feature that somehow managed to make a Manneken Pis replica look tacky, and I read one of the Mary Poppins books. I forget which.

You were lying on your front on one of my gardening mats, your chin on your hands as you watched ants. When I was in the middle of a sentence, you asked me, “What’s _spit-spot?_ Mary Poppins keeps saying it. Like if I’m laughing so hard that I spit out lemonade and some gets on my shirt, is that a _spit spot?”_

I said that a _spit spot_ was what happened when you gathered a mouthful of saliva into a ball on your tongue, then launched it out of your mouth as far as you could. Wherever it hit the garden wall, it made a stain called a _spit spot._ I demonstrated, spitting over Nanny’s bent back, narrowly missing her, and hitting the wall just beyond her and the flowers of flesh.

She froze for a moment. Then she whipped around as quickly as the striking snake she is. She crept up toward me, rhyming.

“I am Nanny the uncanny, 

And I am always right.

To see a blot will make me hot,

And I’ll start a fight.

“I am Nanny the uncanny,

And I am always right.

If you sssspit about this sssspot,

I’ll sssstart a sssspat in sssspite!”

Of course, I couldn’t move because she flicked her glasses down on her nose to give me the full force of those transfixing yellow eyes. Since, at this point, we hadn’t admitted our attachment to each other, Crowley’s words came to mind: _You see a wile — you thwart._ Some part of me agreed with his rather wise observation. This part of my mind opined that, if I were a good and proper angel, I should be resisting the very Serpent of Temptation now advancing toward me.

But, when I looked into Nanny’s eyes, I became lost in the light that she was made of. Whether she was an angel or a demon, she had always possessed this brilliance. It wasn’t the still, pallid purity of Heaven, a cool, diffuse luminosity. Nor was it the claustrophobic light of Hell, a heady, red intensity. It was a restless, leaping, crawling, creeping fire, changing shape, changing color, changing size. It was a focused, hungry conflagration, always reaching out for fuel. It guttered in the breathless heights of Heaven and smothered in the airless depths of Hell. But, on Earth, mixing with the air of so many people, the fire she was made of burned in ultimately glorious splendor. 

Nanny has always been made of that light, and I have always coveted it. She is literally radiant. Everything that she feels streams out from her core, whether in the clear and exactly linked chains of words when she’s herself, or in his quivering, dancing body language when he’s Crowley, or in the burning, curling motion of Mala, the ineffable snake. She is always open to the world; that is how she loves so deeply. And I, who am timid and tentative, wish to embody my own emotions as frankly and fiercely as she does hers, but I am afraid, and so I embrace her instead. I can never resist her because she takes me, possesses me, keeps me, and loves me, and she is exactly what I want.

While I distracted myself with such rapturous anticipation, you gathered up your own ball of saliva. You aimed for my spit spot on the wall and spat. You hit Nanny in the left sunglasses lens, which really broke the dramatic stalking effect she was going for. She said:

“I am Nanny the uncanny,

And you just spat within this spot!

Now that you have spat to spite me,

You are going to get caught!”

I valiantly threw myself between you and her to save you from her wrath (insofar as she had any toward you), but she was already flying in your direction. She landed (gracefully, of course) before you, wrapped you in her arms, then took me up in her grasp too. Being a snake, she is, of course, an enthusiastic and inextricable hugger, so we wriggled, giggling, but we could not escape the serpentine snuggles.

Most of all I remember the feeling of those days. The summer surrounded us with its softness, and we let our minds drift like clouds in the sky. We laughed and drank limeade, which felt like laughter too as it went down into our stomach. We always diverged from the book at hand and ended up uttering the foolish passing fancies that we would usually never share.

Do you remember what you said when we had finally finished tussling? One such fancy issued from your mouth. You said, “This is _our_ garden,” looking between me and Nanny with your face shining and sweaty.

And I said, “And you two are my best loved books, my _vade-mecums,_ as it were.” (Yes, when I was struck by moments of tenderness, I rather forgot the accent I was supposed to be affecting.) I never would have said so otherwise, but I blame Nanny for shaking such affectionate words loose from the place in which I was suppressing them.

You said, “Nanny, Nanny, what are we to you — your favorite mice? Are you going to eat us?”

Shaking her head, she said, “No, child. You two are the mossst beautiful blooms from my favorite tree.”

The warm sunlight held us so closely and comfortingly that we felt safe enough to admit what we held inside for each other. Even when Nanny coiled off me and you and removed the mulch from her clothes, I still felt that we three were bound to each other. This was a garden in which we were blooms of books, flowers of words, that grew closely for each other. And it was golden and full of love, and, most of all, it was _ours._ I was never so content and happy as I was during those moments. When we left you, I mourned their loss.

Now, though — now that we have reunited! — this old deep joy returns. You are back with us! You are ours again, as you always were, as you always should be. And the happiness seems as it was of old, but something fizzes in it, like the bubbles in limeade, something piquant and new. All of us have changed and grown, and our happiness is older, wiser, and sadder. But now that we are together, we can have our adventures again. We can take our flights of fancy, vaulting, into the future, borne aloft by bubbles of hope and love.

My dearest daughter, I love you so very much. You bring me the greatest happiness, and I am ecstatic beyond words to reacquaint myself with you once more. I am so full of pride at the young woman that you have become that I feel as if I shall burst and discorporate! You are so clever and sweet and smart. You have a wonderfully inquiring spirit and an enviable certainty in yourself. Your quiet kindness and your radiant affection for non-human animals pleases me so much. (Perhaps you will indeed to grow up to be _“St. Frances of a Sissy”_ after all! Do you remember that one?) I love you, love you, love you, and I cannot wait to see you again.

Your southern pansy,

St. Francis of a Sissy,

and Angeldad in one,

Aziraphale


	25. The Demon's Disappointment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's just say that Crowley's experience of his and Aziraphale's reunion with Heck is diametrically opposed to Aziraphale's.

Heck — 

It’s been like three days, and I haven’t heard from you, and it’s probably because you don’t want to write, but I just have to say this...

I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that I just sat there looking bored and/or constipated and/or too cool for all of this. I don’t know what happened. I just saw you, and you froze, and I froze, and then I guess I never unfroze. 

I mean, sure, we talked and smiled and said, “I’m so happy to see you! Yay for reunions and chosen family!” Blah blah blah. And we were even goofing around a bit. 

But we both know that it was Aziraphale who was chatting you up and making you relax. You were having the most fantastic conversation with him about kids’ books, while I’m just there like Whaaaaaaat? because I don’t read books. I couldn’t even say anything about Mary bloody Poppins or Amelia freakin’ Bedelia, and I read you those books until we memorized them! I had words to say, but they were all tied up inside. 

And oh, you were bouncing in your seat, just like me when I’m excited, and your face was  **shining shining shining,** and all your wonderful golden light was WHOOSH through your eyes, right into him. You loved him so so so very much, and he was so obviously your Angeldad, and I couldn’t even really look at you for some reason.

And you…

Well…

You couldn’t look at me either. I mean, you did, and you saw me, but you didn’t stay. Your eyes kept sliding away from mine like something that slides away from another thing.

**I disappointed you, and don’t you tell me I didn’t,** because I tasted your disappointment when you saw me, and it tasted like staleness, it sat thickly on my tongue and muffled up my nose.

I disappointed you. I, me, Crowley, this form, this gender. I disappointed you because I wasn’t Nanny. 

I’m so sorry. I woke up, I was Crowley, I thought, Okay, this’ll be okay, she said she was okay with whoever she got. And then I was like, No, maybe I should change, I should really change, it would just make everything easier.

But then I was like, Should I change???? to Aziraphale, who was no help, because he was like, Do whatever makes you feel most yourself, which made me want to shake him because he doesn’t know, he never has this problem, he’s always him. And the problem was that I didn’t know what would make me feel most myself!!!

So then I said to myself, Okay, I’m changing, I’m doing it for the kid, yeah, that’s it, doing it for my daughter. And I tried everything so I could relax and do it. Yelled at the indoor plants, hung out with the Tree in my garden, lay on the tombstone, spent some quality time with the Bentley, took a nap, even watched Mary bloody Poppins. 

And nothing, nothing. I was stuck. That happens sometimes, it’s like the opposite of my genders sort of flickering when I’m upset. Sometimes I get stuck on a thought or a feeling, and I get stuck in a form and a gender too. And it won’t go away, as much as I want it to, even if I want to change, even if I’d be happier, nope, no way, I’m just stuck.

So that’s who you got — me, Crowley, stuck as me, Crowley. I tried, but...I couldn’t. I’m sorry.

I should have never tried to dress up either. Exciting reunion, I’m thinking, time to wear something fancy, feel good, look fine, maybe show your daughter how glamorous you are. No. You didn’t want that. 

You wanted either Nanny or Crowley. You wanted to meet either the lady you knew or the guy you didn’t, not someone who looked confused about which way to go. You didn’t want someone, some guy, pretending that he could pull off a little bit of a Nanny look without doing it completely. Which I tried and failed at. 

Blessed blessing Heavens, I’m so so sorry.

Look, I know I messed up once over the Apocawhoops information, and I know you were nice enough to give me a second chance, and I really thought we were getting on okay, I don’t know what happened yesterday, but please please please, I’m begging you, please listen, please give me another chance, please stay, please don’t be scared of me. 

I love you so so so so much, even if you never love me as much back, and you are so so so very important to me, and I love you so much, and you make me so happy, you make my life complete and my family, you’re my family, and I love you so much, please let me fix this, please give me another chance.

Please don’t send me away from home, this is all too golden and wonderful for me to leave, and I couldn’t bear looking back in the cold silent empty darkness at  **the wonderful beautiful child that I made, all full of golden light,** that I never got to hold.

—Crowley


	26. What Alecto Saw

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Agent Moral Fury, aka Heck's friend Alecto, delivers her mission report and commentary on the Dunkin Donuts reunion.

**From:** Alecto Nilsson (Agent Moral Fury)

**To:** Heck Dowling (Agent Hellspawn)

**Re:** The Doughnut Incident

**Executive Summary:** You reunited with your Hellmom and Angeldad. You freaked out and reacted by focusing on Aziraphale. Crowley freaked out and reacted by freezing up. Aziraphale apparently noticed none (0) of the two (2) freakouts going on at the table, since he had one (1) gay old time.

**Thumbnail Analysis:** Your fairy godmother’s feelings are hurt. He thinks he did something wrong and drove you away from him. He may even be afraid of you. But you can fix this!

**Narrative:** I know that you’re trying to chill and get away from it all at Arugula’s house, and I know we said we’d wait till you came back home to do some analysis of how it all went down. But you need to read this.

I know you were really nervous before, and I know you were nervous during. I saw the way you couldn’t look at your fairy godmother for more than a half a second. I saw the way you kind of flinched whenever you said “Nanny,” like you weren’t supposed to. I saw you go to the bathroom at least twice with an upset stomach. I saw all your attempts at conversation with your fairy godmother go stammery and silent. I saw you turn to Aziraphale with oh-he’s-so-easy-to-talk-to relief. And I saw your fairy godmother kind of sag when you were talking with Aziraphale, like he was relieved too, but also sad.

After you left, Aziraphale was in line for more doughnuts, and your fairy godmother was alone at the table. Then this happened.

Me (walking up to him with my best shiny hairdresser-welcoming-new-customer smile): “Hey there! Digging the earrings!”

Him (looking up, smiling): “Thanks! Digging the boiler suit. Where’d you pick that up?”

Me: “Thanks! I made it.”

Him (looking me up and down, but not in a yum-yum-sexy way, more in an impressed way): “Digging the hot pink top-stitching. Nice contrast with the black canvas.” (after a few minutes of talking sewing) “So, Alecto, did I pass your test?”

Me (smartly): “Huh?”

Him: “I saw you sitting at the evaluator’s table and swinging by for a closer look every so often. Did I pass or did I fail?”

Me (still the smartest person that ever smarted): “Huh? How did you recognize me? You’ve never seen me before.”

Him: “Heck told us that our performance in this encounter was being evaluated. She also mentioned that you and Arugula would be proctoring.”

Me: “I saw how you really wanted to hit it off with her.”

Him: “Yeah.” (voice getting quieter with each word) “Yeah. Yeah…”

Me: “I just want you to know that she’s been over-the-rainbow excited to meet you for weeks. And I think that’s what made her so nervous today.” 

Him (flicking his earrings so the crystals clacked together): “And not the way I looked?”

Me: “No no no! It’s not that she doesn’t like you or anything. It’s just that...she loves you higher than up and deeper than down, and she doesn’t know what to do with it, so it’s all stuck inside her.”

Him (with the frowniest smile I’ve ever seen): “Higher than up and deeper than down? That’s very poetic, but… Does she feel safe with me?”

Me (staring in a very smart manner): (is unable to answer that one)

**Conclusion:** **_What the you, Heck?_** I know you were nervous, but you basically blocked out your fairy godmother. I know it was easier to talk to Aziraphale because he was relaxed, but you didn’t pay much attention at all to Crowley. I know you felt tongue-tied, but you could have at least told him that you were nervous and that was why you weren’t talking. In the humble analysis of this highly trained agent, you could have done better.

You’re all for communication and discussing how you feel, and you really missed your chance here. Your fairy godmother’s really confused and convinced that you’re scared of him, but don’t worry! You have a chance to change that!

**Recommendations:** Talk to your fairy godmother  **_right now_ ** and tell him how you really feel!!!

—Alecto


	27. Out of the Cell Hole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck and Nanny chat, each apologizing for their behavior during the reunion. Heck brings news of FAMILY DRAMA involving her bio parents, and she and Nanny agree that Heck and Crowley should meet, just the two of them, again.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** hellmom?

you there?

im so so so so very sorry

ive been so busy these last few days

stuff is really going DOWN

but i really really really really really really really need to apologize

**SubversiveSnark:** Hello! I’m so glad that you’re finally online!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** im so so so so sorry i hurt you

im so so so so sorry i just stammered at you

and didnt meet your eyes

**SubversiveSnark:** Oh, child, so am I.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** im so so so so sorry that i ignored you because i was talking to aziraphale

im so so so so sorry that i was disappointed that you werent nanny

and that i took that out on you

oh wait, you ARE nanny

wait

im so sorry that i was disappointed that crowley wasnt you

im so sorry i took it out on him

im so sorry that i was so stupid that i didnt even think to say how nervous and excited i was

**SubversiveSnark:** I too apologize for allowing my fear to master me. I apologize for turning inward when I should have reached out.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** hey! that makes two of us!

i was so excited and nervous and hopeful and everything

that it all balled up in my stomach

and made me want to barf

instead of talking to you

i mean crowley

instead of talking to crowley

i was shy because id never seen anyone who looked so happy in his body before

and i was in awe because id never seen anyone look so completely butch and femme and glamorous and handsome at the same time

(even if he was falling off his chair out of panic most of the time)

**SubversiveSnark:** Likewise, child, likewise. After everything you’ve been through, you looked so at home in your bones and so fully solid with your own strength that I wanted to cry. And your black suit with the purple suede shoes made my little old Goth heart dance in its coffin. 

I wanted to tell you how beautiful you had become, how magnificent I thought you were, even though you were terrified. 

But I was too terrified to do so.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** but most of it was

well

i was freaking out because i knew he was you

you, nanny

even though he moved different and looked different

he was still you

i knew that he was you, and i knew that id known him for 9 years before

and all the memories came back

and all the love

and all the wanting

**SubversiveSnark:** We were both overwhelmed. I was struck motionless and dumb by a veritable quake of memory that shook me to my core.

It lay open everything that I’ve always felt for you, as rawly as I felt it on the day we said goodbye.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** raw, yeah, thats the word for it

i wanted to hug him so badly

but then id probably throw up on him

and he wouldnt be beautiful anymore

so i was ashamed

and scared

and i couldnt say a thing

and im sorry nanny

im so so so so so very sorry

im sorry to crowley too

and to the ineffable snake (mala?)

**SubversiveSnark:** Yes, her name is Mala.

And I accept your apologies, while also tendering ones of my own.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** im sorry to everyone

none of you did anything wrong

none of you disappointed me

none of you scared me

it was just that there were too many WUVS

and they came on all at once

and i just stopped dead

but they’re still there

i love you

(i wuvs u?)

**SubversiveSnark:** My dear damnable child!

I accept your apologies to everyone, on behalf of everyone.

Now that I understand what you felt and why, I shall stop verging on panic (which I, of course, was not doing — that was merely Crowley).

Of course, I love you too.

I’m so glad that you came into the circle of Hell!

I certainly haven’t been checking at 15-minute intervals whenever I’m awake, but I have been hoping to see you.

It’s such a relief to talk to you.

Child? May I ask you something?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yeah sure?

**SubversiveSnark:** Where were you the past few days?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** so i was quiet for a while

after we left

because i felt so shaken up that i had to get away from it all

so i went to arugulas familys farm

its up in vermont

with solar panels and a composting toilet

**SubversiveSnark:** Ah yes. And pine cones for toilet paper, I suppose?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** no they moved up in the world

now they use leaves

anyway

very little contact with the outside world

the internet was sneezing

electricity wasnt too great

and we were in a cell hole

**SubversiveSnark:** Is that like solitary confinement?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** its like a hellhole

but for cell phones

you get them in vermont in between mountains

calls wont go through

no communication

**SubversiveSnark:** How metaphorically apropos for our current situation!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** so

i spent 2 days getting eaten alive by mosquitoes

very relaxing

really

i just needed to get away and not think about FAMILY DRAMA

anyway

i come back, all refreshed and ready to talk to hellmom and angeldad

but stuff has just been HAPPENING

**SubversiveSnark:** Oh dear. Is there FAMILY DRAMA going on with your biological parents?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** there is

apparently my bio parents are talking about me behind my back

lots of phone calls that suddenly go behind closed doors when i come in the room

no idea what thats about

i tried to listen in

i heard a bit where they were talking about my appetite

so i thought maybe they thought i had an eating disorder??

then i heard them talking about how CONCERNED they were

about my online habits and staying up

so maybe they think i have insomnia AND an eating disorder???

**SubversiveSnark:** Oh no, that sounds horribly nerve-wracking. Have you confronted them and asked them the topic of their discussion?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** no because you wrote to me yesterday

and alecto wrote to me today

TALK TO YOUR FAIRY GODMOTHER

HE THINKS YOU HATE HIM

and youre more important to me than my stinking bio parents

which is why i was talking to you first

**SubversiveSnark:** Child, I

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh heck

i think my bio parents just got on the phone

gonna try to listen in

but nanny

i think me and crowley should get together,

just me and him,

me expecting him,

him expecting me,

and hopefully having fun

i really have to go, bye for now!

**SubversiveSnark:** Brilliant idea!


	28. One Heck of a Discussion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FAMILY DRAMA intensifies, this time with Heck's bio parents. With her bio parents monitoring her health behind her back, Heck learns that they're worried about her. They think she has depression. Heck's bio mom takes her to a family therapist, where Heck blurts out that she's trans. Unsurprisingly, she then freaks out, so Crowley, Nanny, and Aziraphale provide online moral support.
> 
> Note: This chapter contains discussion of misgendering and deadnaming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: This chapter contains discussion of misgendering and deadnaming.
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to all of you out there who wanted to carry yourselves with Nanny's dignity during your coming out, but ended up more or less barfing on your shirt [literally or metaphorically]. As Aziraphale says, you are courageous and worthy individuals, undiminished by vomiting on your shirt!
> 
> This chapter also goes out to anyone who came out and got disbelief, confusion, recrimination, blame, hostility -- anything but the empathy, understanding, care, and acceptance that you deserve. You too are awesome and deserving of parents, guardians, elders, authority figures, older persons, whatever who WUVS you and support you as the Inept Ineffables do their witchy hellspawn.
> 
> P.S. I'm writing another tale from Heck's youth. This one is called [Familiar Spirit,](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19976665) and it's about Aziraphale and Crowley [and Nanny] undercover [?!] at Heck's eleventh birthday party.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** hello?

hellmom?

angeldad?

anyone?

im having a series of moments here

could really use some real parents

**_PrincipallyAziraphale_ ** _has entered the circle._

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** What’s wrong, darling??

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** is hellmom there too?

i dont care what form

i just really need her

i need both of you

**SubversiveSnark:** Hey, it’s me, Crowley. What’s going on????

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh thank the gods

thank the gods

thank the gods you’re both here

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Talk to us, sweetheart. We’re here to listen. 

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** so right after i see you two, 

mom gets on my case

this is all the stuff that was going DOWN

that I told nanny about

she talks to my dad on the phone

but in secret, i dont know about what

eating disorders??? insomnia???

anyway, she breaks the news

im worried about you, you spend so much time in your room these days

i dont think youre getting enough sleep

and youre really down all the time

your appetite is off

you just look so sad

have you considered that youre going nuts?

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** She said that? I understand that she is probably very concerned for your well-being, but that was quite rude of her!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** no well actually she said

have you considered that you might have a mental illness

before she even said it might be depression i wanted to shriek

IM TRANS

IM NOT MENTALLY ILL

but then she said maybe you have depression

which is probably true 

because who wouldnt be depressed if they had parents like this?

**SubversiveSnark:** raises hand

I’d be depressed.

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Do you really think that’s supportive, my dear boy?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** actually it kind of is

anyway she thinks im depressed

and so does my dad

(not like he knows anything)

and that was not what i needed right now

after seeing you two for the first time

and being all excited and disappointed and full of WUVS and confusion

i did not need to be told

by someone who wasnt even around 3 weeks out of 4 when i was growing up (bio mom)

and someone who hasnt even lived with me for 5 years (bio dad)

that im sick in the head

i went to arugulas house for 2 days

because i just needed NO PRESSURE for a while

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Oh, I do hope that she was able to commiserate and provide support!

**SubversiveSnark:** I like Arugula, her and her propeller beanie.

On her way out, she stopped by my table and said, Are you a dancer?

I only know the ASL alphabet, so I said (kind of slowly while I was signing), No, sorry.

She said, I’m impressed, you know how to talk!

Sarcastic humor, I approve!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** as you can tell, shes cool, so it was pretty chill

thats why i was offline

it was so quiet, just what i needed

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** I’m so glad that you were able to find some restful respite from your emotional turmoil.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** but i missed my altar and needed to talk to persephone

so i went back home

**SubversiveSnark:** Let me guess what happened

Objurgation the Sequel: now with added guilt trip!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh yeah

blah blah blah ive talked to your father and youre really putting up walls blah blah

i keep reaching out to you, she says

but you never respond to my overtures

you know why?? 

because she’s going down a checklist in that stupid mother-son bonding book

AND IM NOT HER SON!!!!

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Well, you certainly have been under intense pressure for the past few days. It sounds like, between our reunion visit and then these tensions with your parents, that some sort of emotional explosion most likely occurred. 

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** you bet it did!!

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Please let us know how what we can do and how we can help.

**SubversiveSnark:** Aziraphale, shhhh. I think she just wants us to listen, is that right?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yeah i just

i need to get this out

to someone who understands

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Pardon me, then, for interrupting. Please go on with your story.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** so she says thats why were going to a family therapist today

me and her, not dad, thank the gods!!!!

after school

and i said well you never told me

and she said yes I did, 5 times, you just forgot it because youve just been online all the time

because i was talking to YOU GUYS

because youre my actual PARENTS

with actual senses of EMPATHY

unlike SOME PEOPLE

who think theyre my parents just because they donated some dna and egg and sperm

**SubversiveSnark:** Oh kid…

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** im thinking that maybe shell shut the me up if i go with her to this therapist

so i let her drag me

shes talking to the therapist

and my hands are shaking, and my stomachs shaking

and im saying to myself oh gods, give me strength

persephone help me

and i take a deep breath

all these snakes in my stomach

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Yes, good, that’s very good. Anchor yourself with those people who give you strength.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** the snakes give me an idea

okay

what would nanny do??

nanny would sit up straight and proud and say exactly who she was

so i tried

i said

my name is hecate frances ashtoreth dowling, and im a girl

i wanted to say

I WAS NEVER YOUR SON

but i started crying instead

and threw up on the therapist

and myself

**SubversiveSnark:** Oh child…

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** and hid in the bathroom for the rest of the session

then came home and holed up in here

so much for making nanny proud

i might stay here for the rest of my life

how can i face my mom????

not to mention my dad

when my mom tells him???

**SubversiveSnark:** I love you, and you have always been my hellspawn and my darling damnable daughter.

I have always been proud of you, even when you haven’t.

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** My dear girl, Nanny and I love you. We always have; we always will. You make us proud simply by being the wonderful person you are, and vomiting in distress does not negate any of your amazing qualities. To be frank, if it’s any consolation, I always feel a touch queasy during confrontations myself. 

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yeah but did you barf 

ON YOUR THERAPIST?

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** No, but I must confess that my gorge rose when I met with Gabriel for my last performance review.

**SubversiveSnark:** (He threw up in his mouth a little bit.)

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** and gabriels your boss? or was? close enough

okay its nice to know that even angelic beings can be embarrassed

**SubversiveSnark:** We supernatural beings are not so different from you humans as you might think. We experience the same emotions that you do.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** wait

nanny?????

**SubversiveSnark:** Yes, child?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** um

not to be all weird about it, but

when did you get here?

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** She flickered in rather abruptly when you said, “My name is Hecate Frances Ashtoreth Dowling, and I’m a girl.”

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh nanny

im so

im really

crying, sorry

**SubversiveSnark:** sends handkerchief as E-mail attachment

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** im sorry i couldnt do it

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Whatever are you talking about? You haven’t failed at a thing! 

In fact, you’ve just made a firm assertion of your own identity, under a rather high amount of duress, in a situation that would give an angel palpitations. You have borne yourself with grace and aplomb, and

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** i ruined my triumphant moment by

BARFING on my own shirt

no grace, no aplomb

just SHIRT BARF

i feel so stupid

and i feel like i disappointed nanny

even though its probably stupid to feel that way

**SubversiveSnark:** My dear sweet hellspawn, I know that you’re all upset right now. And I know that perhaps it’s easier for you to feel ashamed of yourself than to be angry at your mother.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** my BIO mom

thats what she is from now on

not my real mom

**SubversiveSnark:** Well, then, I know that it may be easier to attack yourself than your biological mother. 

But please know that I only ever wanted you to be my child. And at first, when I thought you were the Antichrist, I only ever wanted you to be loved...and to be ordinary, so ordinary that you would never destroy the world.

Then, as I watched you grow, I saw who you were. You were extraordinary because, despite your rather neglectful parents and some Hellish encounters that could have been traumatic, you were sweet and gentle and thoughtful and sensitive. Most of all, you were kind and full of love.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** nanny nanny nanny

i love you so much

crying again

**SubversiveSnark:** I only ever wanted you to continue to be so kind. I only ever wanted to love you so much and teach you so well that you would always be so thoughtful...and so happy.

I never wanted you to be exactly like me. Of course, I must admit, that I wanted you to take after me and be clever and witty and eloquent, but I never wanted Mini Nanny. I have always wanted you, just as you are: one Heck of a daughter!


	29. A Most Vehement Flame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck's chat with Aziraphale and Nanny winds down with thank yous, good memories, and care package ideas. Aziraphale signs off to allow Heck and Nanny to discuss the upcoming visit between Heck and Crowley, but... Oh hey, Crowley! Apparently the genderfluids are pretty unstable these days. WUVS. Bible quotes.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** why why why??

whoever thought it was a good idea for the people who gave you dna to be your parents?

why do i have to be related to such jerks?

**SubversiveSnark:** I’m very sorry that your biological parents are giving you such grief.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** me too

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Yes, dear heart, what can we do to help you? We can certainly continue to listen if you wish. If you would like us to come up to New York again…

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** um i dont think

**SubversiveSnark:** Aziraphale, remember

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Oh yes, I’m sorry. Nanny is reminding me that she and I agreed that we should postpone another tripartite reunion until we all feel more...settled.

But please tell us anything we can do to help you, anything at all.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** im thinking

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Did you enjoy any of the books that I enclosed with my recent letter?

I must apologize for not knowing of your traumatic encounters with Mary Poppins.

If I had, I would never have sent you first editions of the entire series.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** no yeah theyre great actually

when i went back to them this time

all these memories came back

we were reading them in the garden, remember?

and you two were doing all the voices!

**SubversiveSnark:** We got very little reading done, as I seem to recall. A certain hellspawn interrupted on nearly every page, editorializing on Mary Poppins’ every action. Then we wandered off on various discussions of ethics.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yeah well

she was mean

mary poppins i mean

but the book always seemed to think she was so great

remember the burping contests?

**SubversiveSnark:** Unwillingly. Unfortunately.

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Oh yes — and the spitting contests and the farting contests!

(Nanny has her hand to her forehead, and she’s shaking her head.)

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** Yeah, who knew angels could win farting contests?

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Well, I often tend to be rather full of hot air.

**SubversiveSnark:** I would just like to point out that I did not make that painfully obvious joke. I thought about it, but, as usual, I decided that discretion was the better part of valor.

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** My silly snaky sweetheart, you couldn’t be discreet even if you were invisible and inaudible. You have too much of a flair for the dramatic.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yeah actually

the books are bringing back good memories

so thank you!

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Oh, I have an idea! We can send a care package! Heart-shaped marshmallows, spiral-bound left-handed notebooks, scented erasers, 

**SubversiveSnark:** A snakeskin or two, Selby’s Peppermint Cremes, purple pain bush leaves… Do you think we could fit in a Tadfield milk float bottle?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh yes

yesyesyesyesyes you two

im crying again

perfect idea

something to hang onto

and

i know this sounds weird but

handkerchiefs?

i want to

um

put them under my pillow

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Of course, of course! Splendid idea!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** thanks so much

thatll be a huge help

tide me over till its calm enough for me to see you

but

nanny?

i still

i want to see crowley again

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Oh yes, just the two of you. Shall I leave the circle and give you some privacy?

**SubversiveSnark:** Please, if you don’t mind.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** wait aziraphale

thankyouthankyouthankyou for the books

and your letter, so full of WUVS

and good memories

it made me so warm and happy to read it

to know that you were thinking the same thing

and the care package idea

and thanks so much for listening to me while i freaked out

and for sharing a good memory with me

and, most of all, for reminding me that 

of angels, and demons, and humans,

humans are the BEST burpers

hands down

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** You’re welcome, my dear girl! I will always listen to you and send you books, probably even when you don’t want me to.

And remember — whatever prowess you claim in burping is far exceeded in the angelic gifts for farts and spitballs.

**_PrincipallyAziraphale_** _is offline._

**SubversiveSnark:** Well, I’m certainly glad that sound effects with bodily fluids amuse you two, since they don’t entertain me.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** genderfluids, on the other hand...

**SubversiveSnark:** ...are transcendental, transgressive ambrosias of the most refined and playful sort, completely free of escaping intestinal gas!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay you keep telling yourself that

what did you think about what my letter said?

**SubversiveSnark:** I too want you and crowley to meet again, just the two of you.

But please, you must allow me some time to find a certain equilibrium. 

As you have seen, my emotions — and consequently my form — are rather volatile as of late. 

I need to achieve emotional and physical stability before seeing you again.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** in other words

youre freaking out too

and you need to calm down before we set up another visit?

**SubversiveSnark:** Yes. Furthermore, your coming-out saga appears to have just begun, so you may experience acts II and III rather soon.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yeah thats kind of the reason i want to see crowley

my moms probably gonna yell at me any minute now

and i havent told my dad any of this

i just thought, if i had some of crowleys WUVS to hold onto…

**SubversiveSnark:** Oh

Then

...

You DO want me

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh nanny

of course i do

**SubversiveSnark:** It’s me

Um

Anthony J. Crowley, the semi-incoherent doofus

at your service

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** crowley crowley crowleyyyyyyyyy!!!!!

hi!!!!

yesyesyes, i do want you

**SubversiveSnark:** I’m

Um

I’m

Really flattened

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** ummmm

flattered?

**SubversiveSnark:** Yeah that too

But THE GENDERS are really hitting me hard here

Sloshing around in genderfluids

Getting all over my clothes

You don’t even want to know what my handkerchiefs look like

Seriously though

I really do need some time to calm the you down

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** haha yeah me too

let me know when youre ready i guess

thank you, all of you

all of crowley

for listening and loving and just

you know

being an all around awesome hellmom

**SubversiveSnark:** You’re welcome, kid.

Any time

And thanks for another chance.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** didnt i tell you?

youre my real family

nothings getting in the way of that

not heaven

not hell

not the apocapoop or the atlantic ocean

not my dna donors

and certainly not me freaking out

or you freaking out!!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** “Set me as a seal upon thy heart, a seal upon thy arm, for love is as strong as death and jealousy as cruel as the grave. The coals of love are the coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame. Many waters cannot quench love; neither can the floods drown it. If someone offered all the wealth of their house for love, it would be utterly scorned.” Song of Songs 8:6-7.


	30. Well, That Happened

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck and her bio mom have a very weird conversation. Heck isn't sure what to think about it. She sets up a meeting with a psychiatrist.

Hey Hellmom and Angeldad,

The absolute weirdest thing just happened. I had to lie on my bed, staring at my altar, and ask Persephone if it really just happened. As usual, Persephone and the rest of the universe aren’t returning my calls, so no help from them. But anyway, I’m pretty sure it was really a thing.

Ever since the Great Barftacular Coming Out of Heck the Witch, my bio mom has been keeping a low profile. She’s very obviously practicing using the right pronouns. She said she wasn’t sure what to do now, but it looked like I needed some time to think, so she was just going to take her cues from what I felt comfortable doing. 

Clearly she went online and found a List of Best Responses for When You Learn Your Kid Is Trans. Now she’s doing them all, very carefully, like that can somehow compensate for 18 years of not giving a heck. She must feel real desperate and real guilty. I still wish she would go away. Even if she’s trying to do something right now, it just reminds me how wrong everything else was that she did.

Eventually I couldn’t bear the suspense anymore. I asked her when Thaddeus J. Asshole the 16th was going to call up and yell at me for “killing his son” or something equally selfish and stupid.

Here’s where the truly weird thing happened. My bio mom said that she hadn’t told my bio dingus, and she wasn’t going to. Blah blah blah something about respecting my boundaries, blah blah blah going at the pace that was right for ME, blah blah blah psychobabble. 

I asked her what made her decide to do that. She said, “I thought you were the best judge of whether you wanted him in your life at this point.” Translation: Surprise surprise, she doesn’t want to deal with him either because HE’S A HECKIN ASSHOLE.

So...yeah. That was definitely a thing that happened. I’ve checked in twice with her to make sure that she really means it. She says yes and gets all huffy, like I should just trust someone who goes around, diagnosing me with mental illnesses behind my back. Anyway, I think she’s telling the truth and that she really didn’t tell him. Wild, huh?

Now I can’t calm down. My mind is racing all around. I’ve already hung over the toilet twice today, but no puking. I keep thinking that she’s going to disown me any minute, or the bio dingus is going to drop in and yell at me. I’m so jumpy.

Today I made an appointment with my own personal psychiatrist. The bio parents DO have a point about my depression symptoms. Plus I need someone to talk to about all this FAMILY DRAMA that’s not you, not my friends, and not the family therapist that I barfed on. The appointment is next Wednesday, and it gets me out of Spanish, which I hate anyway, so...bonus!

Well, I don’t really know how to end this letter, and I don’t have any sense of humor for P.S.es, so I’m just going to sign off.

Your VERY weirded out hellspawn,

Heck


	31. Package of Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A care package of things from Aziraphale and Crowley brings Heck both happy memories and sad ones. She recounts the story of how the angel and the demon left her life and realizes why she kept away from them for nine years. P.S. The psychiatrist is very nice!

Dear REAL parents,

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you so much for the care package. It was just what I needed! I’m going to thank you for every individual thing and tell you a good memory that it brought back.

Thank you for the  **handkerchiefs.** Nanny’s smells like spring air and electricity after rain (probably from being air dried). Aziraphale’s is so smooth and threadbare and soft, just like the pages of old books. (And no thank you to Crowley for the used tissue, haha!)

I remember when I was maybe seven and fell out of a tree (probably chasing lizards?) and dislocated my shoulder. I thought I’d have to go to the hospital. Nanny said, “Not if you trust me. Do you trust me?” 

And of course I did, so she told me that she could relocate my shoulder. It would hurt, and I should bite on her handkerchief, which she twisted up and told me to put between my teeth. But it would only hurt for a bit, and then my shoulder would be tender, but back in shape. 

So she pulled my arm, and I screamed and bit down, and she popped my shoulder back in. Then we went for ice cream, I think.

I remember when I was five, and it was Francis’ day off, so Nanny and me went to what she called  _ the best bookshop in the world. _ We met such a nice man there with bright, fluffy hair and bright clothes in shades of yellow and a very perky bow tie! He looked like Francis would have looked if he had shaved and gotten his teeth fixed. He even looked at Nanny the way that Francis did; he blushed and wiggled his nose. But his name was Mr. Fell, not Francis. I asked how they knew each other, but they wouldn’t tell me.

I remember finding some big old slab of a book by some naturalist, with huge hand-tinted plates of REPTILES OF THE AMERICAS. It was like a whole natural history museum in a book, and I turned the pages slowly, imagining that each of the animals were coming alive.

I got a paper cut from one of the pages and bled all over the snapping turtle and cried because I thought that the nice neat Mr. Fell would be mad that I ruined his big expensive book. But he just said, “Oh dear, that looks like a painful cut!” and wrapped his handkerchief around my finger. When he had bandaged me up, I went back to the book, but the page was clean. I told Nanny that I was sure it had been stained, and she said that Mr. Fell had his secrets. 

Thank you for the  **erasers.** The little snakes with googly eyes omggggggg! The watermelon slices! The orange slices! The apples with the worms poking out! The rainbow snails! 

I remember my dad scoffing at us sorting the erasers. “What’s this fruit business?”

And Francis says, “Why Marster Dowling, we’re jus’ havin’ a  _ gay  _ old time!” (I don’t know how to write the accent.)

Then us three all went, “Pbbbvvvvttthhhssst!” trying real hard not to laugh.

My dad goes, “Are you laughing at me?”

Nanny lets out this delicate little ladylike sniff and says, “Pardon me, sir. Allergies.”

As soon as he leaves, the three of us are  _ rolling on the floor, _ howling. (Okay, well, me and Francis are. Nanny is just sort of...percolating...bubbling...vibrating...against the wall.)

Thank you for the  **heart-shaped marshmallows.** I hope you didn’t pay as much for them as it says on the price tag. I never realized how expensive it was for a four-pack! But they’re soooo good, and the vanilla just makes them taste even more...marshmallowier.

I remember we were toasting the heart-shaped marshmallows over the firepit in Nanny’s garden. They kept sliding off my and Francis’ sticks, so we were singing  _ Another One Bites the Dust _ (well, the chorus, at least). The marshmallows were all being wasted until Nanny grabbed the package from Francis, stabbed one of the marshmallows on both prongs of a long-handled grilling fork, and toasted it to  _ perfection. _ She ate about six while we begged her to do some for us. Finally she did.

Thank you for the  **left-handed notebooks.** I remember when we went to that lefties’ shop in Oxford in Hampshire Lane. I got scissors (which I still have somewhere) and the notebooks, one with pink pages, one with purple pages, and one with pale yellow pages. Francis was laughing over a mug that said  _ If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handers are in their right minds. _ I told him that I couldn’t drink out of a mug that wasn’t 100% scientifically accurate, so Nanny just kind of elbowed me and whispered, “Say thank you, child, and put pencils in it!”

Thank you for the  **purple pain bush leaves.** They smell like mint and dark chocolate and lazy hazy summer days. They smell like saying goodbye.

This one’s not a good memory, but it’s what I think of when I think of the purple pain bush. I remember my bio parents sitting me down in the solarium on a day in late summer when I was nine. It was raining so hard and so grey that it looked more like a November evening. 

They said that, now that I was almost ten, it was time for me to grow up. I didn’t need my Nanny anymore, and I didn’t need Francis either. I was going to boarding school, where I’d come out of my shell, and make more than one loser friend, and do more than just poke around with gross things like snakes and lizards, and generally turn into the extroverted sports nut that my bio dad wished he had. (They didn’t use quite those words, but that’s what they meant.)

I thought I’d given up pitching fits at age five, but apparently not, because I pitched the biggest fit ever. I thrashed and screamed and kicked and yanked at everyone. I got some nice good whacks in on my bio dad (which I’m never apologizing for ever), ripped my bio mom’s necklace apart, put a dent in the kitchen wall, spilled the silverware drawer, kicked over that tacky resin naked woman in the front hall that my dad always thought was so classy, and generally caused a good bit of mayhem.

And I… Well, you know. I kicked Francis right between the legs, and he fell over. I yanked out a lock of Nanny’s hair right by the widow’s peak and screamed that I hated both of them. 

That was the only time that Nanny ever lost her temper with me. She ripped off her glasses and glared at me. Her eyes were so big and so yellow, and her pupils were as narrow as knives. Blood trickled down from the top of her forehead, alongside her nose, over the right side of her lips. She licked it away, and I realized that her tongue wasn’t human. It was narrow and separated into two pointed prongs. She looked like she had just killed something and eaten it, and, for the first time, I thought I might be next.

“Child!” she said. “You hurt us!” Tears rolled down her cheeks, one from each eye. Looking back on it now, I saw that she was utterly shocked. I thought she was crying out of physical pain, but now I think it was more out of anger and pure grief.

I’ll always remember how she said,  _ You hurt us! _ Not just her, not just Francis, but both of them. She and Francis were united, even then. And I’ll always remember how utterly betrayed she looked. And I’ll always remember that that was the one time she turned away from me. 

She knelt beside Francis, murmuring to him. He gave a long sigh, and I knew that she had used her magic to take away his pain. Soon he reached up and touched her cheek lightly. I saw the pale glimmer of his magic, whisking away the line of blood and replacing the chunk of hair that I had torn out. They looked into each other’s eyes, and there was only them in the universe, and I was excluded because I had been mean. I thought that I had lost the only parents who ever loved me.

I ran from the cottage and into Nanny’s garden. I slipped in the muddy mulch. The rain mixed with my tears. I crawled under the purple pain bush, which was so dense that it was dry underneath. The minty part of the smell made me seem even colder, and I shivered. The chocolate part of the smell seemed rough and sharp, like the edges of mulch biting into my bare legs. I cried so much.

Now that I think about it, I think that’s maybe the reason that I took like 9 years to write to you, Nanny. I know we all promised to keep in touch, but, whenever I thought of writing to you, I remembered that moment — the moment when I hurt you, the moment in which it seemed to little me that I had repaid all your love with pain. I know that’s what I thought of for the first year or so, even after your surprise appearance at my 11th birthday. Then, I guess, the shame and the guilt must have become like a habit. I told myself that you couldn’t really want me back, not when I had sent you away like THAT. And then I was too scared.

Well, this is a real downer of a conclusion. But still, thank you, both of you, for sending me that care package. You gave me things to hang onto, things to put under my pillow, and things to stuff into my stomach that remind me of you. Now I have real, solid things to remind me of our relationship, which has been so virtual. 

I know it’s silly, but just smelling the erasers or feeling the notebooks makes me more certain that this is all real. You’re really real, really here. You’ve really come back to me.

And thank you for the care package because it made me remember all those things. And some of those memories were painful, but I’m glad that I remembered them. When I retold them to you, everything seemed much clearer. 

I understand now how much my bio parents never bothered to get to know me. They wanted a kid who would always love them and do what they wanted, but they never wanted to put any of the work in. And then, when they saw you two loving me, they felt threatened. That’s why they fired you and sent me away to boarding school. They were literally trying to break up our family.

I understand now why you cried, Nanny, and why I felt so horrible after I yanked out your hair. You were nothing but  _ good, _ and I’d been a bratty little kid, but I’d never been mean like that before, least of all to you. It was literally the worst thing I had ever done, and I swore right then and there that I would never do anything like that again. (Just in case you didn’t know, I’m so sorry I hurt you and Francis, and I’ll never do that again.)

And now I’m crying. Thanks again for the memories, I really mean it,

Love,

your hellspawn,

Heck

P.S. The psychiatrist, Dr. Jasmine Detweiler, emailed me and told me to call her Dr. Jazz. She sent a get-to-know-you questionnaire that I should fill out and send back before my meeting with her next week. It was mostly letting her know if I had various diseases, although there was a mental health section where you said if any family members had certain conditions too. 

Anyway, I went online and looked up what to do before seeing a psychiatrist. There were some helpful suggestions, like charting your moods, making a symptom diary, doing a narrative history. I actually did all of that, and I even went back through our chats and letters for quotes. I sent that off to Dr. Jazz today, and she said, “A little light reading for the weekend haha!”

She seems like a cool person. I wonder if she likes jazz (haha)???


	32. Family Drama Aftershocks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck tells Nanny what happened after she went to boarding school. She's looking forward to the "gender non compliant" psychiatrist, but her bio mom treats her like a fixit project and pisses her off. Both Heck and Nanny look forward to Heck's future meeting with Crowley.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** hellooooooooo!

whove i got today?

**SubversiveSnark:** This is your mother!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** still doesnt narrow it down actually, haha

**SubversiveSnark:** Your Nanny.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** hiiiiiiiii naaaaannnnnnnyyyyyy!

**SubversiveSnark:** You seem to be in a good mood, but, child...do you want to talk about your thank you letter?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** umm??? no???? why???

**SubversiveSnark:** Well, obviously the care package stirred up some really painful memories. I’m quite certain that memories like that — memories of feeling banished from a safe place, your home — don’t just settle down after a day or two.

I merely wondered if they’re still on your mind.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** theyre still on YOUR mind i see

**SubversiveSnark:** They are.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** i dont really want to talk about how i hurt you

you and francis

it hurts too much

**SubversiveSnark:** Would it help if I said that we were both hurt, angry, and shocked, but we understand why you did what you did, and we trust that you will never do such a thing again, especially now that you’re older and much more mature?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** well

that does sort of help

and thats why it hurt too much then,

because i realized that i had hurt you

but, now, you know what hurts more?

**SubversiveSnark:** What’s that, child?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** knowing that my bio parents sent me off to boarding school just to break all three of us up

they wanted us to stay apart

and THEY WON

at least for 9 years

they made me so scared that i thought that you couldnt love me

**SubversiveSnark:** Oh, I know you’re angry at them. I know you feel betrayed by what they did in sending you away. 

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** they made me lose you for 9 years

9!!!!!! years!!!!!

you know

i never thought id say this about anyone

but i kind of hate them

bio dingus at least

it was his idea to send me to that school in upstate new york

winslow holm school for boys

we called it homophobia school

me and the other trans kids and the gay kids

for the first time in my life i had more than one friend

a whole group

but we were miserable

dropping out, flunking out, transferring, suicide threats

i made it through 2 years

because of those friends

but they all left

finally though i got into public school

in the city

which saved my life

**SubversiveSnark:** Well, no wonder you’re furious with them. They banished you across the ocean and left you with poorly brought up brats who taunted you.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yeah

**SubversiveSnark:** And yet you survived, and you’re here now, with us, and we’re together.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yeah

i know

im just sad that i had to go through 9 years of hell first

**SubversiveSnark:** As am I.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** ugh lets change the subject

**SubversiveSnark:** Are you nervous about your upcoming visit with the psychiatrist?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** actually not

well, much less than i thought id be

dr jazz sent me some followup questions to all that stuff i sent her

im telling her everything, well, not about the apocapoop

but about you and aziraphale

she had some more questions about like the timeline of events

**SubversiveSnark:** She sounds like a very thorough person who wants to be as well-prepared as you do. 

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yeah yeah

thats why im not real worried

because i can tell that shes a good psychiatrist

oh!!!!!!!!!!!!! did i tell you!!!!!!!!!!!

dr jazz is like us

**SubversiveSnark:** In what way?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** shes gender non compliant too haha

thats what she said

gender non compliant

like it was civil disobedience

which it probably is

**SubversiveSnark:** I’m confused. Is that a medical term?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** no like usually its gender non conforming

thats the general term

but her joke is that shes non compliant

she has a sense of humor, also a good sign

**SubversiveSnark:** Oh, I see why you said it sounded like civil disobedience! That’s great! She’s refusing to comply with oppressively binary gender structures.

It sounds like you and Dr. Jazz will get along well. Hopefully she will help you as a disinterested party to all this FAMILY DRAMA.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yeah, speaking of...

my bio mom isnt yelling at me

and shes not telling dad because she says thats my prerogative

and shes just so relieved

im weirded out

everythings quiet

too quiet…

**SubversiveSnark:** It would appear that your biological mother does care about you after all in some way. It is certainly not the type of affection that you crave nor need, but

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** i mean its a nice surprise

but i still dont believe it

**SubversiveSnark:** Understandably.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** now shes reading books like

mother-daughter relationships

and coming out: a workbook for kids and their parents

she got 2 copies, i think she wants me to do it with her

**SubversiveSnark:** Of course she does.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** she thinks im another fixit project

like a leaky faucet or a warping deck

i feel like she notices that im trans, which is good

but now she wants to be best!! mom!!! to a trans kid!!!! ever

so shes using these books to do that

and make me best!!! trans!!! kid!!! ever!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** Her new affectionate attention comes with old practices, I see.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** none of its really new, actually

i mean she was always reading manuals

and trying to fix me

its just that now she thinks that,

since i said i was trans,

we can work on me together!

newsflash, bio mom

nitpicking isnt fun

**SubversiveSnark:** Are you angry with her?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** of course im angry at her!

shes spent my entire life talking about me with thaddeus j asshole

well until they divorced

and just now is the time when she decides to be nice and keep a secret????!!!!

shes probably doing it just to spite thaddeus j asshole

like shes the keeper of the special secret of transness that bio dad doesnt have

shes better than him

newsflash 2, bio mom:

both of you stink

equally

**SubversiveSnark:** From what I know of your bio parents, your assessment of your mother’s motivations are probably fairly accurate.

I’m sorry that they look at you and see only an extension of themselves.

I’m sorry that they are missing out on the hellspawn they could have had.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** dont feel too sorry for them

its their own heckin fault

**SubversiveSnark:** My regret is on your behalf, not theirs.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yeah i wish i had a functional family

but lets talk about something more fun

okay?

VISITING CROWLEYYYYYYYY!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** Of course. I must let you know, on that subject, that THE GENDERS are cycling strangely. Usually I get at least a day out of one, with a change when I sleep, but they’re moving more rapidly these days.

They seem to be on a cycle of 4-6 hours.

In other words, I can’t 100% guarantee that you’re going to have Crowley all 100% of your visit.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** but i can get him for at least a few hours

right?

thats all i want

a few hours when were expecting each other

**SubversiveSnark:** Indeed. However, you might get MORE than Crowley (though the cycles seem to be slowly lengthening, so perhaps not), and you have to expect THAT.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** haha

its funny

for once i’m EXPECTING crowley

but possibly getting you

but thats okay!

you know i want to meet you too!

**SubversiveSnark:** Wonderful! Check back with me in a few days, child. We’ll see how I’m doing then.


	33. Calming Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Silly conversation between Heck, Hellmom, and Angeldad as they all recover from the tumult of recent days. The agenda includes the following: how gender is like a sneeze, funderpants, hypothetical laundry at Crowley and Aziraphale's house, Madame Tracey and Nanny in Condomworld, Mrs. Piggle Wiggle, and _Paging Dr. Spaceweasel,_ Crowley's favorite TV show.

**SubversiveSnark:** Heyyy kid! You know who it is

Right?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** i do!!!!!

you call me kid, nanny calls me child

hi!!!!! crowley!!!!!

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Hello, Heck!

How are you?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** fine

as long as i keep bio mom out of my hair

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Oh dear. Now what?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** well i told my mom to hold off on the workbook

and my dads on vacation with his new girlfriend for the next month

so i have some time to panic and throw up

i mean figure out my next move

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** But this seems like a positive development — time in which to reflect and recuperate from recent upheaval.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** not so much

moms now part of an online group for moms of trans teenagers and twenty somethings

she keeps telling me what shes learned

“did you know that there are lots of different pronouns available?”

she asked me that

she was rolling her eyes at people who dont like they/them

she said that language is ever evolving

and it shouldnt be limited by prescriptivists

who cant adjust to reality

**SubversiveSnark:** Well she and I agree on that point.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** probably the only thing

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** However annoying you find her enthusiasm, I consider it an indication of her earnest desire to understand you and perhaps even mother you.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay okay

maybe shes trying to understand me

but she is never, ever, ever

EVER

getting to mother me

she had like 18 years of chances

and she flunked them all

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** I know you feel hurt and rejected, my dear, but I would caution

**SubversiveSnark:** Shhhh angel! It’s not a good time for advice about forgiveness.

I know you’re a fan of her, but let the kid

You know

Feel her feelings

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** anyway

enough about her

so

crowley

hows THE GENDERS?

**SubversiveSnark:** I’m cycling at about 6-8 hours now

I think it will just take time for everything to settle back to more normal.

A week at most

Want to wait or what?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** NO!!!!!!!!!!!

I WANT TO SEE YOU ASAP!!!!!!!!

uh i didnt mean to yell at you

that was just me being really excited

**SubversiveSnark:** Haha

I could tell

Okay, but I’m just letting you know that I’m wearing a dress.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay?????

i dont really need a warning though

**SubversiveSnark:** Because nothing hurts more than going from Crowley to Nanny while wearing something like what I met you in the first time!!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** wider hips in pants that tight?

yeah

yikes

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Smaller waist, longer legs, bigger feet, broader shoulders, stronger arms, longer hands.

**SubversiveSnark:** What??

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** I was merely listing some of the other changes to your body concomitant with a shift to Nanny.

**SubversiveSnark:** What are you talking about?

It’s just the same, only different

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Are you telling me that you _don’t_ change form so noticeably between humanoid genders? Because, my dear boy, I assure you that you do.

**SubversiveSnark:** They FEEL (pretty much) the same, though I move differently.

How would you know how different they are?

You’re not me

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** um

judging from the amount of time he spent staring at you in dunkin donuts

id say that aziraphale looks at you

A LOT more than you look at yourself

and probably notices some things that you dont yourself

**SubversiveSnark:** Uh

Huh

Um

Okay

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** He just flapped his mouth a few times at me without saying anything. Then he sat down with a plunk. Oh ho ho! You may have stunned him with the truth, Heck.

**SubversiveSnark:** Uh

Right

So

Um

Yeah

Anyway

I’ve busted (get it, BUSTed) quite a few shirts that way.

We won’t talk about what it does to the rears of my jeans.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** rrrrriiiiiiiipppp

i hate when my pants bust a seam

usually right in the crotch

hey world!!!! wanna see my underwear?!!

theyve got sequin snails on them

**SubversiveSnark:** Whoa

Really??

Where did you get those?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** funderpants.com

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Ooooh, bookworm novelty briefs! In my size even!

**SubversiveSnark:** I’ll have you know that your Angeldad is ordering all the book-themed funderpants he can find

Because he’s a HUGE DORK.

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** I am not going to make any comments whatsoever about your choice of foundation garments. I am a _true_ gentleman.

**SubversiveSnark:** Thank you for not embarrassing me a second time.

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** I am merely going to type three words that may or may not have to do with the subject: **_imitation snakeskin thongs._ **

**SubversiveSnark:** You

You

Excuse me, kid, I have to subdue my ineffable spouse.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** wow

doing laundry in your house is gonna be fun

we wont do like whites and colors

well separate into like sequins and snakeskin

**SubversiveSnark:** There, much better, I subdid him

Wait a minute

Did you say WE, like all three of us

Were doing laundry over here?

Are you moving in?

And I missed something???

Aziraphale??

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** I have broached nothing of the sort.

You know — I could respond much easier if you weren’t pinning my wrists over my head.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** wait then how are you typing???

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Miraculously.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** you know

if you two want to play

(nudge nudge wink wink)

i can always get out of your way

**SubversiveSnark:** Wow, subtle like Lilith, I see

“Nudge nudge”

Wait

So

ARE YOU moving in, kid???

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** um

yeah

no

i mean

i didnt say i was going to do laundry at your house definitely

i was just joking that

if i did do it at your house

the loads would be weird

just saying

so

anyway

new subject!!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** (Hellicles out from under Aziraphale)

Sure, anything to get the conversation away from my funderpants!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** ive been so wrapped up in my own stuff that i havent even asked how you two are???

so how are you?

whats new?

**SubversiveSnark:** Oh wait hey, here’s a funny story

It has to do with funderpants, but just indirectly

Mostly it’s about shopping

So Tracey and I (Nanny) went to Condomworld the other day

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** whos tracey??

and??? condomworld??? i dont need to know about condom shopping

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Madame Tracey is a psychic dominatrix and an instrumental member of us few who stood against the End of Days. She’s a delightful woman, very charming and clear-headed. 

Anyway, she and Nanny are fast friends. Madame Tracey appears to regard it as her vocation to get the stick out of Nanny’s arse. It’s quite amusing, the lengths to which she goes.

**SubversiveSnark:** And Condomworld is more like a sex toy shop

Don’t worry, no condoms were involved in the making of this story

And you don’t learn the details of my sex life

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** thank the gods

did she get you like a windup vulva toy or a book of dick jokes or something???

**SubversiveSnark:** I wish, that would have been easier to deal with

No, she insisted that I needed

Wait for it

A vibrator!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yikes! thats intrusive

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** And yet I am sure that my diplomatic demonic darling defused the situation with her customary tact.

**SubversiveSnark:** Yeah, I said I only bought those things either by myself or with my ineffable spouse.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay now im nervous because this isnt really a funny story

more like embarrassing

**SubversiveSnark:** No, it was funny, we both had a good laugh about it

At least when I convinced her that she was not personally responsible for removing the stick from up my butt

Anyway, I distracted her by saying we should look for equipment for her business.

We got lost in the clothing section.

There was some full-body latex stuff, and I said, How do you think you get that on?

She says, Probably with a team of 6 and an industrial-size drum of water-based lube.

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** And that’s a very conservative estimate!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** haha!

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** You also decimated the clothing section and came back with how many shopping bags’ worth of garments?

**SubversiveSnark:** 7? 8?? I forget

But they had so much that fit me, I had to take advantage of it!

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** I am most emphatically _not_ protesting, dear boy. In fact, I demand a fashion show at your earliest convenience.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** hey how were THE GENDERS on the trip?

**SubversiveSnark:** Like I said, the cycle is calming down and lengthening. I thought I might change in the cashier’s queue, which would not have been the best place.

But I held it till we were in the car. It’s like holding a sneeze.

Oh cmon Aziraphale, no fake sneezing!

(He just did a fake sneeze at me with his blob of fake mucus. Haha, real funny.)

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** bit of a practical joker huh?

uh please dont do those to me, i dont really like pranks

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** I wouldn’t dream of it, my dear. I know you did not like my whoopie cushion collection.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** i liked it just fine

especially the fart symphony you played

i just didnt want to unexpectedly sit on it

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Fortunately I have my ineffable spouse to torture with those!

On another subject, Heck — are you at all interested in any other books in the “magical nanny” subgenre?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oooh yeah

did you find something new?

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** I believe I did. This person is not technically a magical nanny, but more of a magical child care worker. 

Her name is Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle, and there’s an entire series of chapter books focusing on how she cures children of various bad habits.

I don’t believe we read any of them to you, did we?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** I think I’d remember something like that. Are they any good?

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Mrs. Piggle Wiggle is an interesting figure. She is supposed to be a moral exemplar, but some of her methods are quite sadistic. 

**SubversiveSnark:** This is why I don’t read books

Some people are sick.

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** No one asked you, sweetheart.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** sadistic like how?

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** For a child who’s a slow eater, she serves him smaller and smaller meals until he has so little energy that he can’t really move. For a child who’s messy, she traps her in her room with magical paint so that she can’t leave her room until she has cleaned up.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** weird dysfunctional nasty parental figures?

yeah sure, send them along!!

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Pardon me, but I can’t tell if you mean that in jest?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yeah no i was serious

even though i think mary poppins is quite possibly evil,

i still really like the books

mary poppins brings order but also this wild nature magic

i like the magic

its almost wiccan, neopagan like

pl travers was really tapping into something there

and i like stories about dysfunctional parental figures

just because i can scream at them about how much they stink

which i cant do in real life

so please, pile on the books!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** Hey do you want to see what I do in my spare time?

I can send DVDs!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oooooh of what???

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Continue this conversation at your own peril — I charge you. I’m just going to bow out so I don’t have to. Goodbye, dear!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** bye, see you aziraphale!!

so crowley this show

whats it called????

**SubversiveSnark:** I don’t remember.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** genre?

**SubversiveSnark:** It’s like fairy tales and pseudoscience and kids’ books

All balled together with science fiction and maybe a fact or two, but not really

And someone’s super weird dreams

And formed this

You know

Big sort of

Ball

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** sounds like a ball haha

**SubversiveSnark:** Well, no, it’s not so much a ball as it is a

Wobbly, shifting collection of

Stuff

Like water in zero gravity

It just forms this like floating

Wavering, wobbling thingie

And you expect it not to stay together, but it does

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** whos in it?

who are the characters?

**SubversiveSnark:** British guy, the one with the face

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** who??? are you???? talking about?????

**SubversiveSnark:** That does all sorts of things

He does very dramatic things with his face

Looks sort of squirrelly

But in a weaselly sort of way

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** how?? does that even work???

**SubversiveSnark:** Well, he has brown hair

I think it was a medical show

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** paging dr spaceweasel?

**SubversiveSnark:** Oh yeah!

There’s a doctor in it.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** in a medical show? that doesn’t really narrow it down

**SubversiveSnark:** I can’t think who he is

Or who he plays

Sorry

I’ll get back to you.

Sometimes my language goes FFFFT

When I’m excited

Which I clearly am

Because I’m seeing YOU very soon!!!

WHOOOOOO HOOOOOO!

  



	34. Shopping With the Killer Queen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley takes Heck on a shopping trip that is, for once in Heck's life, enjoyable. We learn what Heck looks like, hear Crowley's shopping anthem, see some meta-drag, hear Crowley sing, deck out Heck as a "practical Goth princess," and watch Crowley play with his genderfluids. He also blows a jewelry store clerk's mind, fires eye lasers, and tells off a rude waiter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had so much fun writing this chapter. 75% of the fun came from the joy embodied in Heck and Crowley's relationship. Another 75% came from an opportunity to write detailed descriptions of off-the-wall Crowley, which, except for bouncing off the wall, is mainly Crowley at his best. The final 75% came from Crowley and his genderfluids. And why does this all add to 225%? Because this scene is _over the heckin top,_ daaaaaaahling!

Dear Crowley — 

Just so you know, I’m writing this letter to you specifically, i.e., not Nanny or the snake (Mala, right?). Thank you so much for yesterday. I enjoyed myself so much, even if I didn’t think I would at first. You’re hilarious and amazing and thoroughly wonderful, and you make my every moment with you full of joy and WUVS. 

And yes, you are completely, totally, and utterly my mother too. And I’m so so so so glad to be your daughter — not just Nanny’s and Mala’s, but YOURS too. 

I love you, Crowley. It’s not just because you’re part of a person that also includes Nanny. It’s because you’re you. I love you because you’re the same person, but not exactly. Everything that’s different between you and her — that’s what I love, just as much as I love the person that you are all together. I really just have so many WUVS for you, it’s not even funny.

But I know that you were terrified before you met me. That’s why the first meeting went so badly. I was, frankly, disappointed because I wanted to see Nanny, and you were just anxious anyway, but then you picked up on my disappointment and assumed that I disliked you.

Anyway, I know that you were terrified before you met me, and all during the first time you met me, and all during yesterday too. Yeah, you were totally in a good mood, but you were also really bouncing off the walls and talking A LOT, which you seem to do when you’re nervous. So you must have been REALLY nervous.

So I got to thinking that all that worry probably hasn’t died down. I remember that joke you made at the end, asking me if you’d successfully charmed me off my feet. You joked because you seriously doubted that you had. Even after yesterday, you still think that I might not like (or love) you for YOU.

So my mom thinks I should be a writer (not that I care about what she thinks), so I’m going to use my writing talents (???). I’m going to tell you about yesterday from my point of view, but as if you’ve forgotten everything. If I’m any good at writing and expressing myself, then you’ll understand what a good time I had, and you’ll realize that I really really do love you. Okay?

(By the way, I’m just going to say “Crowley” instead of “you,” because this whole thing sounds stupid if I’m telling you what you did.)

Crowley rolled on in yesterday and said, “Let’s go SHOPPING!!!” 

I personally think that shopping is torture, so I didn’t want to. You’re probably thinking, “Oh, she’s trans, it’s a dysphoria thing,” but it’s not. I’ve actually always liked my body, except for the facial hair and the permanent five o’clock shadow, which can go die in a ditch somewhere. 

And I love some of those things about me that bother some trans women. Like my body. I’m 5’6” and 270 pounds. From a dudely perspective, I’m short and fat and flabby and gross. And from a womanly perspective, I suppose you could also think I’m short and flabby and gross, but anyone who thinks that can also go die in a ditch somewhere. I’m sort of tall for a woman, and I’m rounded and soft, and, thanks to Nanny (who intimidated the heck out of my mom when she tried to put me on a diet when I was four), I’m feeling pretty okay about myself.

My voice too, I like my voice. I pass most of the time, but, even when I get clocked, I think I still come across as pretty femme. Until I open my mouth! Then people are like, “Oh heck, where did THAT come from? She’s got a set of lungs on her!” It’s sort of like a secret weapon, like your eyes. You only unleash it when you really have to, but then oh boy, you better watch out, you’ll never forget it!!

Anyway, shopping isn’t a problem because of dysphoria. It’s a problem because I can never find anything I like. If I find something in a cool style, it’s not made for my shape. If I find something that fits, it looks like total crap. So I just go from store to store, going, “Not that, not that, not that, not that…” It’s so disappointing, and it takes forever. And it’s BORING. I hate being bored.

But Crowley was wiggling all around like a snake that ate Mexican jumping beans, just so excited, that I said yes. So he took both my hands, because that’s the kind of person he is, and towed me off to his car.

He had given me a serious warning beforehand that he was going to wear a dress in case THE GENDERS were still in rapid cycle. I’m not sure why he warned me? Maybe he thought it would bother me...which it didn’t. I was just kind of curious to see what he was going to wear that would fit him in various forms.

So anyway I was kind of shocked to see him in a dress because it was...loose. (He usually wears  _ very _ tight things.) It was a lightweight black wrap dress (which is the perfect thing, I suppose, for when your waist changes width and your chest gets bigger). It had wide straight sleeves and a very long, wide, floaty skirt. 

He had a black tank top underneath, which was, I suppose, in case Nanny didn’t want to show too much skin. He had leggings with the night sky and pinkish/purplish nebulae, which was both somehow hilarious and adorable. And he was wearing his usual (snakeskin?) boots, but he said he had another in his bag in case he changed. His hair was just loose, tucked behind his ears, and I’m still not used to him wearing like usual, mainstream amounts of makeup because Nanny’s isn’t overdone, but dark and obvious. 

I said he looked good, really good, especially since he wasn’t chewing on his lips and getting his lipstick on his teeth. He turned red at the thought of that, but then said, “Oh? Really?” Like he was surprised that I would think that he looked good. I said that of course he looked good because he was good-looking and he knew how to dress up. 

I wanted to say “hot,” because he is kind of hot, in any form, really, especially now, when I see him after 9 years and all sorts of changes. I don’t know if I’m supposed to say that about my mom, though. Is that allowed? Is it legal? 

Okay, whatever! My mom is kinda hot, and so is my dad, but in a very different way. It’s not about actual fantasies and lust as much as it is being impressed and jealous and happily stunned. 

Well, anyway, Crowley was impressed and happily stunned by the compliment, so he said thank you a lot of times, and then tried to tell me how good I looked. He kept clapping me on the shoulders, pulling back to look at me, going, “Well, wow, you’re so…” and then kind of squiggling for sheer glee and hugging me. “Kid, you’re a — Wow, you’re a — Just a real — kid…  _ My  _ kid! So —  _ good! _ So...brilliant! So... _ mine!” _

Riding in the car with him was a trip. The first thing he does is he looks at me very seriously over the tops of those sunglasses, and he goes, “So...Queen: greatest rock band on Earth or greatest rock band in the universe?” 

I said I liked what I’d heard, but didn’t know much, and he’s like yodeling out at the top of his lungs,  _ “Shoooooppppinnng triiiiiiip plaaaaay liiiiiiiiist!” _ The stereo is setting up a song, and he’s bouncing his butt in the seat, his eyes gleaming. “This is what gets me in the mood. Listen closely, and see if you can see why.”

He peels out of the parking spot and goes  _ vraaauuuuuum, _ driving like at least 60 mph, and I don’t know how he does it, but he just like sliiiiiiiiiiides between cars. There’s always a space. It’s a hellicle! And he hits all the green lights and loses all the cops and still somehow gives the pedestrians and bikes enough room.

And this song, the one that gets him in the mood?  _ Killer Queen! _ At first I didn’t really get it because it starts out kinda quiet, like it’s stepping very carefully and deliberately. Most of it’s not really loud, just Freddie Mercury murmuring, except for the swooning on “Kiiiiilllller queeeeee _ eeeeeeen!” _ So I’m staring at the speakers, trying to listen closely. “Blah blah blah gelatin, blah blah any price, blah blah kiiiiiillllller queeee _ eeeeeeen, _ ya wanna try?” 

I told him I didn’t get it. He sat up very straight and said, “Now I shall play the song for a second time, child, and you must listen carefully, for I will e-nun-ci-ate  _ tuh.” _ He’s spitting on the Ts like  _ tuh. _ “In other words, watch me. Do you comprehend quite- _ tuh _ complete- _ tuh _ -ly, negligent- _ tuh, _ disobedient- _ tuh _ child?”

At first I wonder why he’s spitting at me. Then I realize that he’s making fun of Nanny (probably because she told me that Crowley was a “semi-coherent person of the male persuasion”). So basically one of his genders is doing another in drag! How meta is that? Mind = blown.

But it’s not misogynist drag, like mean-spirited. I can totally see Nanny saying the same thing in the same way, mocking her own self; that’s just Crowley’s (Crowley in general) sense of humor. And I just love so much that he’s so comfortable with who he is that he can play around like that. So this is the first of many times that I say to him that day, “Crowley, I love you. You are a doofus, and I love you. And YES MA’AM, Hellmom ma’am, I’ll watch you!!”

The song plays again. Crowley’s back to his usual doofusy non-draggy self, and he’s singing. He nods his head slightly from side to side, and shimmies in the seat, like a charmed snake. And every single line, he has like three different expressions for, so his face is constantly moving, all big and dramatic, acting for the back row.

The way he sings is incredible. He sculpts the words with his entire face, like there’s a potting wheel spinning in his mouth. He works the words over with his teeth and his tongue and his lips. Then he sets them off and lets them go, and they’re like little snakes wiggling eagerly out of their eggs. He purrs and croons and trills and whispers and wails, and he sounds like he has more than one voice, like he’s his own backing vocals. And all this shifting, swirling sound that he makes somehow organizes perfectly. It sounds perfect, even if it’s not what you expect. He makes it hammy and cheesy and bananas and PERFECT somehow.

This time, when I listen to the song, I understand why he chose it. “Caviar and cigarettes, well versed in etiquette, in conversation, she spoke just like a baroness, fastidious and precise, as playful as a pussy cat, gunpowder and gelatin, guaranteed to blow your mind, anytime!” It’s all about an amazing lady, picking out all the wonderful things she likes best in the world (the good wine and the pretty furniture and the caviar and the etiquette and the travel and the perfume), as told by some guy who absolutely adores every single aspect of her. “It’s you!” I said.

Then he gets all embarrassed and says that this is one of the very few Queen songs that Aziraphale likes. He hums it when Crowley comes back from shopping (no matter what his gender and what’s on his shopping list). When he hums it in other contexts, it’s either because he wants Nanny, or he’s happy that she’s there. And I’m thinking that these two are such doofuses, and they make each other happy, and I love them.

Wow, I’ve written so much, and I haven’t even gotten to the actual shopping parts yet! Maybe I should write about that, huh?

So we go to all these different stores (and Crowley always finds the perfectest, most convenient parking spots), and we didn’t shop so much as we ran around among stores, using them all as a big costume shop. Crowley said, “C’mon c’mon, how would you dress if money wasn’t an object? And then just try it out.” 

Then he’s singing from Killer Queen: “Recommended at any price, insatiable in appetite, wanna tryyyyyyyyy?” And he’s humping his eyebrows and kind of coiling around a lamp post and being a very dramatic Serpent of Temptation while still in humanoid form, so who can resist that, really?

Anyway, the Killer Queen must have hellicles on her side because she finds stuff that fits me AND looks good! I said “Practical Goth princess” for what I wanted to wear, so we went to Discount Department. She hauls me (she’s very good at hauling people when she’s excited) through the sections, picking up seemingly random stuff along the way. 

Then she’s like, “Here!” And she hands me the pieces. So it’s…black cami with silver glitter ribcage on it (Women’s Fashion Intimates) with black glitter bolero over it (Women’s Fashion), black palazzo pants (Men’s Career Separates), black belt with all these purple and black silk scarves (Women’s Accessories) hanging from it like a layered floaty overskirt, black collar (Pet Supplies), a red plastic messenger bag that says NO ANGEL on it with little horns on the O (Back to School), black sneakers with white lights in the heels (Boys’ Footwear). And it works! It all fits and goes good together, and I like it (except for the messenger bag, too tacky)!

I was so excited because that just took like half an hour. The Killer Queen then officially declared that money was no object and I was getting more clothes. I couldn’t say no because it was a royal decree. I said okay because it was the first time in my life that I was actually having FUN trying on clothes. Also the Killer Queen is a goofy doofus who makes everything fun.

Of course we were talking clothing and shopping, which led of course to talking bodies and gender. Crowley said he could look as he did then [stereotypically masculine body, stereotypically feminine clothes] and be treated in completely different ways, solely based on the way he moved and spoke. 

I thought it was like people thinking he was straight if he moved a certain way and gay if he moved another, but he said no, it was different. He said that he could basically make people read him as different genders and even different orientations. I said, “Do like trans girl who’s not quite out to her parents yet and who’s not sure where on the butch/femme spectrum she falls, but is kinda Goth and...uh...definitely not straight.”

Of course, Crowley knew I was talking about myself, and he gave me such a smile. It wasn’t “Ah hah, I’ve got you pinned!” or “Don’t worry, it’ll get better, dear.” It was just like a quick blast of light, like “Oh!  _ You! _ Of course, kid, anything for  _ you!” _

And he did. I know that Nanny stands pretty straight, and Crowley has this curving sort of sprawl, so he pulled himself up, but not together. He was taller, but there was a tentativeness about him, rounded shoulders, like he wasn’t sure if his body fit. He also dialed back most of his face making and hand waving, but he still took up the same amount of space that cis guys just casually take up. It wasn’t Trans Girl in general, and it wasn’t him doing me as drag, but a specifc trans girl, someone with a quieter personality and some more dysphoria than me. 

He became her, and it worked. Like people asked her where the Pride stuff was. And a trans woman came over to her and asked where she shopped and how she found clothes that looked so good. I knew it was because she (the woman) had clocked her (the Killer Queen) as a fellow trans woman. And the Killer Queen gave her some advice, and I was just like  _ holy heckin’ wow. _

After about fifteen minutes, he shook himself out of it and came back to Crowley. I could see him reorienting his strides and actually shifting through his body language. He’d start doing something in Killer Queen posture, but end it in Crowley stance. That transitional period was short, like a few minutes, but then he said he needed to sit and eat. It was like he was both waking up and cooling down from a jog. Totally natural and manageable, but it definitely took some effort and concentration. I started to appreciate the work that it took to maintain one of his genders and then shift it.

Anyway, after we ate, we just goofed around. We went to a super chic jewelry store with an old straight cis white dude behind the counter who had probably been there since the store opened in the 1800s. At first the guy was all smiles, sure that Crowley was a woman buying for herself. But then Crowley’s holding all these necklaces up to his chest and earrings up to his face and going, “I dunno… I can’t decide. Help me out, Reginald (or whatever the guy’s name was). I need some  _ man-to-man _ advice here. Which of these are really ME?”

And I can just see Reginald’s rigid little Boxes of Gender dissolving into genderfluids, but, to his credit, he was very polite, if a little stammery. They talked technical stuff about jewelry and clothes, and I guess Reginald made good recommendations. Crowley ended up getting a necklace made up of the body of a jointed black snake with rubies for the eyes. 

Crowley LOVED it. He was so cute. He paid immediately and put it on and said, “It looks like me, but with eye lasers!” Then, while we were waiting for the manager, he picked up the snake head and made laser noises,  _ vvzzzhewwww vvvzzzhew. _

We were waiting for the manager because, despite having a little fun blowing Reginald’s mind, Crowley was so happy with the service. He was complimenting the guy up and down for five minutes. And he wanted to tell Reginald’s manager so that they both knew they had an awesome clerk.

I don’t know what Crowley is trying to prove or who he’s trying to kid (probably himself), but he doesn’t have a mean bone in his body. He’s just like made of WUVS. That’s what all the gold is inside him, the gold that shines out his eyes. It’s WUVS. He’s full of them. 

That’s probably part of the reason that he never fit in in heaven or hell. They were looking for people who would follow orders, not people who care and think and question about everything like he does.

At the end of the day we were having dinner at some Italian place, at a table so little that we were bumping knees. He was shooting me with his necklace lasers, and I was fending him off with a fork. He was singing Killer Queen to me with his knife as a mike and reaching over and grabbing me every time he thought of something to tell me, which was about once every minute. At one point, he actually shuts up for two seconds and stares at me kinda dopily, and says, “Thanks for giving me another chance. I’m just — I’m so — I’m — “ And then he does this little squiggle of happiness and reaches out and squeezes both my hands across the table.

I held his hands back. “Yeah, (wiggle) is about what I’m feeling too,” I said. “I’m really so very happy — “

And the waiter, who I’m going to call the Anti-Reginald, popped up at that moment. “Don’t let her get away, sir (elbowing Crowley)! A girl looks that way at you, you want to snap her up quick before she knows any better, am I right?”

Crowley rocketed up from the chair. “What? WHAT? This is my  _ daughter. _ I’m her  _ mother.  _ Like it’s not obvious!” And for all that he was goofing off and playing himself in drag earlier that day, he wasn’t kidding. He meant every single word of what he said. He was deeply offended that someone thought we were a couple because, to him, it was completely obvious that we were mother and daughter.

We went to another restaurant after that, but not before Crowley explained to the Anti-Reginald AND the manager how bad it was to assume relationships that you hadn’t been told about.

We had a delicious dinner at another Italian restaurant, and then he dropped me off. (It was a block away from home because I had said that I was going to be out with Arugula. I’ll be  _ damned _ if my parents are gonna know about Crowley and Aziraphale!) Then I went back to my room. Alecto was online, so I told her about my  _ fabulous _ day and my  _ fabulous _ new clothes and mostly, of course, about my  _ fabulous  _ Hellmom, Crowley, the Killer Queen.

Love,

Heck

P.S. In case it wasn’t clear from what I wrote, I love you,  **_you,_ ** _ Crowley. _

P.P.S. I hereby give you permission to read this letter out loud to Aziraphale. Then, whenever you feel down about how maybe I don’t like you or something, he can whack you over the head with this letter and remind you that I actually do like you very much.

P.P.P.S. Say hi to Nanny for me!!!


	35. Mala the Ineffable Snake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck talks with Aziraphale, including a short encounter with Crowley's third form, Mala the ineffable snake. Where do angels and demons hide their wings? How did Heck's first meeting with Dr. Jazz go? What was Crowley's reaction to his and Heck's shopping trip? What kind of asshole walks around like he has hundred-dollar bills pinned to his blazer? Find out the answers in the chapter below.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** heyyyyy

so

anyone there???

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Heck! Hello! How are you?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** is mom there too?

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Indeed she is. In fact, she’s flopped on top of me as

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** haha must be crowley

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Oh no, this is Mala. She’s literally draped around me, and she’s sleeping soundly, so neither of us can move until she decides to wake up. 

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** mala!!!!!! ineffable snake!!!! hi!!!!

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** The situation is rather the same as having a cat select one’s lap for a sleeping place, at which point one must not stir unless one wants to be whined at and dug with claws.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** mala? whines???

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Mala opens one eye and gives me such a look that I decide to remain stock-still and content with my immobility until it pleases her to shift position.

While there is no sound of protest involved, the effect is much the same.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** is she like poking you with her wings?

ive only seen her once

and not for very long

when crowley was really upset

but she definitely had big huge wings

im just wondering where she puts them

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** We angels and demons always possess wings, no matter what form we are in. Most of the time they exist in Uncertainty Space, where they are both existent and nonexistent at once. We can choose to bring them into space/time (or not) as we please.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** haha

wait a minute

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** In other words, Mala has wings, as do I. However, neither mine nor hers are currently manifesting in space/time.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh. my. gods!

wait a minute…

how are you with dick jokes aziraphale?

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** One of the sublime pinnacles of human invention, I think, right up there with jokes about the digestive system...as long as they’re not mean-spirited, of course. I never did like what passed for jokes among certain angels. 

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** angels have senses of humor????

i was under the impression that they didnt even know what jokes were

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Most of them do have very little sense of humor. It should more accurately be called a “sense of mockery.” 

Their so-called jokes consist mostly of mocking humans for being embodied beings in the first place, as if your sensations and perceptions are things to be derided, rather than respected or even celebrated.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** heaven sounds like a real mean place

so...dick jokes are cool?

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** They are...within certain limits of course. Bring them on!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** so

aziraphale

what youre telling me

is that your wings are literally schrodingers dick???

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Well, no, because, if that were literally the case, they would be buried and mostly decomposed.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** haha!

okay

that was another good dick joke

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Of course it was. I am a connoisseur of many fine things in life, so of course I contribute only the best quality of humor to our conversations.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** so…

mala is a really big black snake (with wings when she wants to have them) with golden eyes

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** She is. She is about 8 meters long, which I think is about 26.25 of your feet. Her mass is equivalent to Crowley’s or Nanny’s, but obviously redistributed into a much different shape.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** wow

so um

whats she like??? personality wise???

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Oh, she’s the usual Crowley, of course: full of feelings, full of WUVS, ready to express them all, with a sense of humor both dry and silly. 

At the same time, she has her own traits. She doesn’t speak as much as Nanny or Crowley. She’s more likely to show her thoughts and feelings with her body language. 

But she doesn’t wiggle and writhe the way that Crowley does bodily or the way that Nanny’s eyebrows tend to. There is an overall observational stillness about her.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** ooooh interesting

now i really really really want to meet her

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Well, she just gave me the eyeball when I tried to shift position, so she is awake for the moment. Would you like me to tell her that you said hi?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** tell her i said

hi mala!!!!!!!!!!! i know i havent met you yet

but its wonderful to meet you!!!!!!!

and i hope we get to meet in person sooooooooooon!!!!!

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Mala says, “Hey there. What stories has this one (meaning me, Aziraphale) told you about me?”

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** he said that there was an observational stillness about you

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** She is currently epitomizing observational stillness by holding very still and giving me an amused look.

Mala says, “Right now it’s a nap-related stillness. I’d like to meet you too, Heck, but it’s probably best to do that after you meet your Nanny.”

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay!! yeah!! sure!!

that sounds cool

like ill get to know the humanoid ones of you

before getting to know the snake one

and well

silly question

but you really talk

its not like telepathy or something???

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Mala says, “All beings communicate; it’s just that not all of them communicate in ways that humans can understand. I can, though. How else would I have had a chat with Eve about locally sourced farm-to-table produce?”

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** are you sure youre not like

the serpent of sustainable agriculture???

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Mala has gone back to sleep.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** i love her

shes so cute!!!!

shes like crowley, but even MORE chill

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** She’s also rather  _ heavy, _ especially when she is draped on one’s shoulders while one is attempting to type.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** haha!

anyway

i had my psychiatrist appointment this afternoon

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Oh! Yes! I know you were quite looking forward to that, and you were comprehensive indeed in your preparations. So how did it go? How is the eminent Dr. Jazz?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** well shes a jazz fiend haha!!!

i asked her, she said the nickname came first

because she wanted to seem more approachable

but then people asked her about jazz so much

that she decided to start listening to it

if people dont mind, she actually likes to play jazz in the background

during sessions

she thinks its improvisational nature helps her clients think creatively

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** You like her — I can tell! I’m so pleased.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** i do!!!

today was mostly an info dump

giving her the backstory

she said that i was going through a huge period of transition, obviously

nearing graduation and college and stuff

figuring out what i want to do with my life (haha yeah right)

negotiating a relationship with bio mom

AND

ON TOP OF ALL OF THAT

dealing with all this new stuff

1— hellmom and angeldad

2— rethinking/revising my spirituality

3— getting to know a genderfluid person that im meeting like piece by piece

4— MEMORIES!!!!!!

5— coming out to bio parents (she included coming out against fishing trips as part of that, as well as coming out as trans)

she said no wonder i was depressed

we talked about antidepressants

im going to research some, then talk to her about them next week

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Oh good. I am so glad that you did not discount your bio parents’ observation that you may be affected by depression. That’s a serious psychophysiological condition that should be taken seriously and addressed appropriately.

(I was going to remind you to address the subject with Dr. Jazz, but Crowley told me, “Don’t fuss! She knows what she needs to do. Besides, if you fuss, I’ll subdue you again.”)

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** haha thanks crowley for watching out for me

yeah no please dont fuss

i have bio mom for that

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** I am endeavoring mightily to restrain such tendencies with the help of my ineffable spouse. 

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yeah im sure hell sit on you if you start fussing!

anyway

i think its gonna be really good for me and dr jazz to talk

because shes kinda like a friend

but shes also a trained professional

who deals drugs!

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Yes, that’s the spirit! If you go forth with an open mind, expecting the best, then you will certainly benefit.

Oh, would you like to hear about Crowley’s reaction to your shopping trip?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yesyesyes

he knows mine, now i want to know his

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** I could tell that you two enjoyed yourselves immensely because he came back singing Queen medleys at the top of his lungs and dancing.

While the dear boy does have a mellifluous voice, his dancing abilities are...offbeat at best, and his skill decreases exponentially in relation to his overall excitement.

So, if I say that he took me in his arms afterward and whirled me around into every single piece of furniture in the living room, you will understand how overjoyed he was, right?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** awwwwww yeah

i can just picture it

that was kind of like i was when i came home

i was smiling so hard that my mom asked why

i said i went clothes shopping with a “new friend”

she was surprised that i voluntarily went shopping

i said, well my “new friend” knows how to put together really cool outfits

and do it really fast

so its not torture

and she kinda perked up because shes always liked fashion

but like in more of a glossy, matchy way

tasteful, thats her favorite word

but its more like lowkey expensive

everythings really high quality but not obnoxious about it

and let me tell you, ive seen enough obnoxiously rich clothes to hate them

so i guess shes stylish

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** She does in fact have a style, in my expert opinion, even if it differs from yours. It’s called  _ understated elegance, _ in distinct counterpoint to that of her ex-husband, who always walked about as if he had hundred-dollar bills pinned to his blazer.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** haha accurate

anyway she asked if she could see what i got

i had to think about that for a while

but then i realized that, in some ways

shes relaxed since she and dad divorced

when they were married, she used to be all over me

about what i wore

then she really didnt care anymore when she wasnt an ambassadors wife

with some image to keep up

like i never really had to come out as goth to her

clothes wise

i think she was like, hey, youre wearing clothes

and theyre clean and in good condition

no rips

no body parts hanging out

id always save the makeup and the more femme stuff to put on at school

but anyway

she said once that the way i dressed was “unusual, but you have taste”

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** It is something of a relief to know that there is at least one aspect of your life that she acknowledges, appreciates, and accepts, even if she doesn’t fully comprehend.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** well she understands my not liking fishing trips either

she said “good for you

you never liked those anyway

i told him that a few times, but clearly, he liked them, so”

you know how divorced parents arent supposed to badmouth the other in front of the kids?

to her credit

shes actually never done that

shes actually been pretty supportive as far as me not wanting to have a really close relationship with thaddeus j asshole

and her doing what she could, within the custody agreement

but anyway whenever the subject of him comes up,

i can always tell that shes full of rants and comments

like yours about the hundred dollar bills

but shes keeping a lid on them for my sake

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** I can confirm that. Nanny and I heard her on occasion on the phone with her friends or her parents, telling them the latest of his unbecoming activities. She did, however, shield such conversations from you.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** i mean she HATED the fishing trips even more than me

i thought they were boring and painful (for the fish)

she thought they were straight up GROSS

shes never liked water unless it comes from a tap

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Or bottled and imported from a famous French mineral spring.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yeah so anyway

i figured i could trust her with my new clothes

so i showed them to her

she said she wouldnt have thought of those things going together

but they did

and so we ended up having a conversation that WASN’T about FAMILY DRAMA

or school or my future

and it was good

and i didnt want to throw up at any point

which was even better!!!

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Huzzah! (I just cheered so hard that I levitated slightly.)

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** but i totally went on a sort of tangent

and got you off your story

about dancing with crowley

sorry, go on?

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** So he was dancing with ecstasy right after coming home.

Then...when your letter came…

Well, I don’t know if you noticed, but he was expending an unusually high amount of energy on that day because

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** because he was nervous and excited?

yeah i got that

he was OFF THE WALL

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** He was also working very, very hard to keep in that form so that you and he, him specifically, could have the time together that you wanted and needed.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh no!!!!!!

you mean he was holding back on the genderfluids because of ME?!?!?!?!!?

i didnt mean THAT!!!

i just

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Wait, my dear! Please don’t feel guilty. Please don’t blame yourself. He wasn’t repressing himself for you.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** really?

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Think of it rather as choosing to fulfill a promise that he had made to you. He himself wanted to keep in that form because this particular visit was very important to him. He also knew that it was important to you.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh

okay

but did he let THE GENDERS out when he got home???

i hope!!!

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Of course. After dancing, he crashed onto the couch for a nap. She changed as soon as she hit the deepest, most relaxing part of sleep.

She woke up after a few hours and read your letter and cried for a while.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** ohhhhh nooooooooooooo

nannyyyyyyyyyyy

was she okay?????

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** I can assure you that they were tears of joy. Well, and relief, but mostly joy. The love, the happiness — I felt them pouring off her in waves. Her skin seemed to glow, as if all the love inside her was shining out.

She said, “Yes, that is how it should have been.”

And then she became Mala, which is what happens when something strikes her in the heart or when she’s truly exhausted.

That explains why I’ve had this lunkhead snoozing on me for the past day and a half.

In other words, thank you for your letter. He believes every word with every part of himself now.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** awwwwww

so cute

im so glad hellmom had a good time

and that youre so disgustingly cute together

ive gotta go now

bye!


	36. Well, That Happened II (Now With More WTH?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck's bio mom goes from zero to wacky assumptions in no time flat. Heck takes the opportunity to tell her a very edited story about "Mr. Crowley and Mr. Fell," which leads to a...surprising...development from the bio mom.

Dear Hellmom and Angeldad,

_ Oh. My. Gods. _

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry after what just happened.

Well, I guess I’ll laugh because I just really can’t stop cracking up at the moment. Maybe I’ll sob later or something, but, for right now, I’m laughing.

At breakfast, bio mom said, “So I know you’re all ready with your outfit, but do you need any help with anything else? Tux rental for your date? I mean — I’m assuming your date would be wearing a tux, but, if he’s not… And I suppose I’m also assuming that your date would be a guy, which isn’t necessarily true either. I mean — it could be a girl that liked to wear tuxes. You know, like Arugula.”

While she was stammering on and on, trying to be all inclusive and sensitive, I said, “Uhhhhh, what are you talking about?” She went on about my date’s shoes and limo rental and if there was an after-party, etc., etc., etc. “Wait a minute,” I said. “Did you set me up with someone for the senior formal? I told you — “

“Set you up?” she said. “No, you set yourself up. You and that young man who picked out your dress the other day. Wait — was it a young man? Oh dear, I think you said  _ they, _ which means it really could have been anyone. I’m sorry — you and your date, the one who picked out your dress.”

I said, “Um, they weren’t my date.”

She said, “You don’t need to pretend. I decided years ago that there were quite a few things in your life that I couldn’t control, and your choice of boyfriends or girlfriends or...other friends...was one of those.” She said it was cool that I was finally celebrating the “life transition event of senior year by observing some of the time-honored milestones.” (Translation: She’s been hitting the how-to-talk-to-your-weird-teen books again.) 

She just wanted to make sure that my relationship with this “young…(awkward pause) person” was equal and respectful and safe, with no big age gaps. (As you probably noticed, my mom is 13 years younger than my dad, so she has some personal experience about younger women and older partners. The one dating rule she set was an age range of +/- 2 years from my own, which I never had any trouble following.)

I realized that she was assuming that the shopping trip with Crowley had been a shopping trip for a dress for the senior formal, which is in 6 weeks and which I could not care less about. Arugula has a gig with Inanna and the Rusalkas that night, so Alecto and I are cheering her on. (That would be a great place to wear my “practical Goth princess” outfit actually!) I reminded her that I’d already told her about the gig, that I wasn’t dating, that I really wasn’t interested in any “time-honored milestones,” etc., etc., etc.

Then I made the mistake of trying to explain more about Crowley without telling her that I was in touch with you. “So the person who bought me my dress — they’re kind of like a mentor. You’ve seen in your online groups how sometimes older queer people will like mentor younger ones, telling them about the local scene, showing them the ropes, being like their unofficial gay dad or lesbian mom or something? Well, this person’s my unofficial queer, genderfluid mom, so — “

And — I am not kidding! — this is what my bio mom said: “Oh, thank goodness you have one of those!” Apparently she has been worrying about me since I came out to her because she doesn’t know anything about being trans. She can’t teach me things and protect me and keep me safe. 

All her friends on Pandemonium were telling her how she could model accepting behaviors, and join organizations, and show a positive interest in my life, while also respecting my boundaries. But she was worried that I didn’t have any role models who would show me what things were really like. That’s why she was so relieved when she heard that I had Crowley.

So, just because I had the opportunity and because I hate keeping secrets, I told my mom about Mr. Crowley and his husband Mr. Fell. I said that you lived in Tadfield, Oxfordshire, and Mr. Fell had a bookshop, and Mr. Crowley was a gardener. (I couldn’t really say that you were a plant objurgator!) And I said that you came over here a lot to find books.

Well, that was a mistake because  _ now my mom wants to meet you both. _ She says that you both sound perfectly charming (and “appropriate,” whatever the heck that means). She says that she always did like old books and flower arranging (like that’s going to give you something to talk about?). And she’d just  _ love  _ to reminisce about such a quaint little village (that she was always so keen not to be in).

What the heck do I do? I feel like I should have asked you before telling her all this, but I thought I could do so safely because… UGGGH. I’m sorry. Help? Pandemonium?

Oh my gods, this is turning into that play with the stupid kid who brings his fiancee and her parents to his parents’ house. But the catch is that the fiancee’s parents are homophobic bastards, and the stupid kid’s parents are gay. And then everyone’s dressing up and pretending they don’t know each other, when they actually do. It’s all very comical, haha, because it’s a French farce and not real life, in which case it’s  _ terrifying. _ And I don’t remember how it all ends (probably happily, since it’s a comedy), but…

**SHE WANTS TO MEET YOU.** **_What do I do??????_ **

—Your panicked hellspawn,

Heck

  
P.S. Don’t worry, I’m not really hyperventilating. I did my candle meditation and talked with Persephone (talked  _ at _ her, more like, since it’s not like she answered), and now I feel slightly better. (Less barfy at least.) I could still really use some advice from people who actually take my calls, though!! 


	37. A Hellicle in Disguise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck confers with Nanny on the French farce her life seems to have become. Reminiscence about The Birdcage. Nanny basically tells her to chill. Maybe even [gasp!!] tell the truth?!

**SubversiveSnark:** Hello, my darling child!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** hiiiiiiiiiiii

havent seen you for a while

how are you????

(not snaky, obviously)

**SubversiveSnark:** I am very well rested, thank you for asking. I am also very relaxed and stable. Ever since you sent me that letter (thank you!), I’ve held one form for three days with very little effort. 

Aziraphale is very, very, VERY curious to see if my conscious control has returned, but I’m not trying anytime soon. I’m still recovering from all that sudden and involuntary change.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yay! hooray!!!!!!

hooray for stable genderfluids!!!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** Hear hear!

So...life imitates art? _La Cage aux Folles (The Birdcage),_ to be precise?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** is that what it is?????

i just remember watching the English

and loving i am what i am

and then me and francis hiding in your room

and jumping out and singing

“theres one life, and no return and no deposit

one life, so its time to open up your closet”

and then wed jump out!!!!!!

we scared the me out of you!!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** Never. I always heard you rustling and snickering as soon as I came in my room. 

I only pretended to be surprised because I just love how Francis...I mean Aziraphale...laughs at his own jokes. His nose squinches up, and his glee is just so infectious.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** best quality, his wiggles

thats what arugula said about aziraphale

he wiggles with delight over things

i see why you love it, its soooooo cuuuuuuuuuute!

so

anyway

the birdcage

slightly racy for a 3 year old to watch, dont you think?

**SubversiveSnark:** Oh yes, I agree. No one under the age of 10 should be exposed to media portrayals of loving, supportive, affectionate queer partnerships and parents. Then they might start believing that such outlandish things actually exist! Hmph!

Seriously, though, not at all. I imparted lessons of kindness, open-mindedness, and acceptance to you early on, and they clearly took.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** i know you told me you were working with francis

to like cancel out his influences

and then id be normal or whatever

but did you actually ever teach me to do evil?

**SubversiveSnark:** Excuse me! Do you not remember that I incited you to murder Mr. Desposito when he threw out your bedroom menagerie because it was “unsanitary”?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** not really

i mean at first i was throwing a fit

i really did feel like murdering him

and you got all excited and started making suggestions

and i was like, well, no, we cant drown him in the pool because he doesnt swim and it would look suspicious

we cant hit him with the car because then there would be pieces of him left in the tire treads

and finally i just decided that it was too risky and too much work

and i was going to write him a strongly worded note instead

i mean as much as a 4 year old can write a strongly worded note

**SubversiveSnark:** Ah yes, I remember. He was so affected by your letter that he apologized and took you out to replace everything.

It was at that moment that I realized that evil was wasted on you because you were just too damned good.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** haha!

**SubversiveSnark:** My methods changed after that. I decided that I would encourage your virtues to the utmost to see just how damned good we could make you. I never did tell Francis that I had changed tactics, but he knew soon enough.

Without expressly speaking about it, we embarked on the greatest subversion of all: the nurture of a kind and loving child in a world full of cruel and uncaring people.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** awwwwww

thats beautiful

but im still stuck in the birdcage

what do i do????????

**SubversiveSnark:** I don’t think you’re stuck in any sort of cage. Aziraphale and I can certainly play the mild-mannered Tadfield residents you described. 

I truly doubt she’d recognize us unless we wanted her to, so there’s no reason to bring Hellmom and Angeldad into this unless, for some reason, you truly feel it’s necessary.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** youre saying

i should just

introduce you

and tell (mostly) the truth????????????

**SubversiveSnark:** That is, assuming you don’t want to be living in a French farce.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** naaahhh

the soundtrack isnt cool enough

but if she met you and she trusted you

(a+, trusted queer parental equivalents, would lunch with again)

and then i went to your house

like for a visit

i wouldnt have to sneak out

i could tell her, and i bet she would be thrilled

okay

well

that certainly makes things easier

**SubversiveSnark:** You see, child? Not every situation is a disaster, even though it may appear so at first glance. Some things are hellicles in disguise!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** it was just so weird though

like she went from zero to BOYFRIEND!!!!! in 1 second flat

and then from senior formal to YAY QUEER MENTORS!!!! in another second

**SubversiveSnark:** She has a true desire for you to be happy, successful, and fulfilled on your own terms.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** well i wouldnt go THAT far

that implies that shes stopped thinking of me as an extension of her

which she clearly hasnt

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** I have to say — I’m both surprised and gratified. I harbored very little faith that either of your biological parents could change. One of them, however, shows indications of trying to do so.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** uh huh

right

ill believe it when i see it

i mean for more than a few days

anyway, she’s not meeting you two anytime soon

i dont want her to meet you (aziraphale and crowley)

before i meet you (nanny)

so when can i meet you!!!!!

when are you free!!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** Yes! Wonderful! Let me look at my calendar and rearrange some things and get back to you in a day or so, all right?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** you got it hellmom!!!!

get back to me sooooooooooon!!!!!!

  



	38. Ripped Up and Thrown Away, But Still Received and Read

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanny writes a mystifying and alarming letter.

~~Dear Heck,~~

~~Dear hellspawn,~~

~~Daughter of my heart,~~

Child of mine — 

~~Please know that I love~~

~~I have come to a regrettable and painful~~

~~Whatever I say in this letter~~

~~Believe me when I say that this is extremely difficult~~

~~I don’t even know how to begin this letter, so I’m just going to come right out and say~~

I love you so much. Since you ~~reappeared deigned to write~~ came back to me, you have filled every single one of my days with ~~happiness~~ ~~bliss~~ ~~joy~~ ~~ecstasy~~ ~~contentment~~ such wonder, promise, ~~pain,~~ and love that words cannot encompass my ~~joy~~ ~~sorrow~~ ~~terror~~ awe, gratitude, and hope. I always ~~wished prayed dreamed of pined for~~ hoped that you would ~~love me~~ ~~understand why I had to leave~~ ~~know that I never wanted to abandon you~~ open your arms to me again despite ~~my betrayal~~ ~~my unworthiness~~ the miserable way in which we parted. Your ~~generosity of spirit~~ ~~tolerance of my shortcomings~~ eagerness to reunite inspires me with ~~dread~~ confidence that ~~you really do think too much of me~~ we might ~~slowly tentatively anxiously fearfully~~ reunite and ~~scare each other away~~ make our family whole again.

~~But~~

~~The problem~~

~~I don’t~~

~~I can’t~~

~~I fear~~

And yet I have ~~no courage~~ ~~no heart~~ ~~no true claim to be your mother~~ my misgivings. They have nothing to do with ~~your amazing brilliance~~ ~~the fiery way in which you see through to my core~~ ~~the transfixing pain of your insight~~ you and everything to do with ~~my cowardice~~ ~~my inadequacy~~ ~~my foolish belief that you would take me back~~ me.

I have been ~~a liar a cheat a coward~~ a fool. I have ~~tricked cozened dissembled bamboozled glamoured lied~~ led you to believe that I share your feelings of ~~unalloyed anticipation~~ ~~jubilation confidence dread doubt tergiversation complete and utter panic~~ boundless optimism for our terrifying inevitable reunion.

~~But don’t you understand?~~

~~You have to see, though~~

~~I don’t~~

~~I’m really~~

~~I know you idolize me, but~~

~~You think I’m faultless~~

~~If only you knew~~

~~I fear~~

~~I doubt~~

~~I fear~~

~~I fear~~

~~I fear~~

My own feelings are more complex. I fear that ~~my flight~~ ~~my banishment~~ ~~my cowardly retreat~~ ~~my abandonment~~ the circumstances under which we separated may have ~~damaged broken ruined annihilated~~ affected my belief that you could still possibly love me after all that our bond more greatly than you are aware.

~~You really don’t want~~

~~How can you want~~

~~I left you~~

I blame ~~my neediness~~ ~~my possessiveness~~ ~~my obsessiveness~~ ~~my overbearing nature~~ myself for your parents’ abrupt decision to send you to boarding school. ~~I wanted you too much~~ ~~I held you too closely~~ ~~You were mine, and they couldn’t stand the truth~~ I regret that I ~~didn't give you all the love you deserved~~ ~~didn’t steal you away from there sooner~~ was slightly excessive in my affections, which caused the Dowlings to ~~cruelly heartlessly spitefully~~ prudently ~~exile ostracize expel~~ move you to a place where you would not be ~~loved adored appreciated noticed at all~~ stifled by me. ~~Are you sure you want me to return and suffocate you once more?~~ Surely this past ~~smothering~~ behavior has left you with some reservation about a reunion. 

~~It has for me. What if I hold you too tightly? What if I don’t hold you tightly enough? What if I crush you? What if you stay?~~

~~I should have taken you with me. I allowed you to suffer there when I~~

~~Who can forgive~~

~~Who should forgive~~

~~I’m so sorry~~

~~Child, I hope you can~~

~~I’m so very sorry that I’m not~~

~~I’m just so~~

~~I am a bad mother~~

Child, I


	39. Don't Panic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley hastily scribbles Heck some advice, which he fails spectacularly at taking himself.

Oh bugger, oh bugger, oh bugger, that must have gone through then, because it disappeared???

Oh blessit blessit blessit!!!

Nanny, why did you do this to me? Just when I thought THE GENDERS were all cool too...

Heck — okay, if you get a letter from Nanny, **_DON’T PANIC,_** okay? My gender just kinda sneezed in the middle of that, which is why it ends like that.

I’m writing something as fast as I can to explain, okay?  **_DON’T PANIC, DON’T PANIC, DON’T PANIC._ **

—C. 

P.S.  **_DON’T PANIC._ **

P.S.S. I mean it. No panicking. Really not necessary.


	40. Panicking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley told Heck not to panic. Bad idea. She didn't listen.

Who’s there???!!!??? Is anyone there?!??!??!?

Nanny?????!!!! Crowley????!! 

What’s going on???? What’s happening???? 

What’s wrong with Nanny!!!!!!!!!!!!! What’s wrong with you!!!!!!!!!!! 

Are you okay? Are you alive? Are you dead? Please don’t be dead!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get on Pandemonium, I can’t wait for this letter stuff!

—H. 


	41. Finding the Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley gives a little bit of an explanation of what just happened back there and says he needs some time to find the words to write to Heck.

Heck, dear sweet kid, wonderful hellspawn,

I can’t do chat right now. Nanny just sneezed out on me, but I want to finish up her letter to you so you  **_DON’T PANIC._ ** I need words, and I need time for the words to come. I need to do this by letter. 

I’m sorry, I’m sorry it’s me, I’m sorry I’m not Nanny, I’m sorry I don’t have the words, I’m sorry I can’t do chat, I’m sorry you have to wait, just please wait, just a little while, just a little bit, I need to find the words, okay?

—WUVS,

so many WUVS,

Crowley

P.S. I know, do your candle meditation! That should calm you down.

P.S.S. I’m sorry, that probably sounded like I was giving you an order, but I wasn’t, I swear I wasn’t, I just thought that it was something that might help you so you  **_DON’T PANIC._ ** Just a suggestion, might work, maybe not, what do I know?

P.S.S. Sorry, Aziraphale’s not here, he’s out at his gay contra dance club. (He finally moved on from the gavotte!)


	42. A Prayer of Illumination

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck calms herself with a prayer to Persephone.

Hellmom — 

Okay.

Okay.

I’m gonna calm down.

I’m gonna stop panicking.

I’m gonna restore my equilibrium.

I’m gonna pray, maybe that’ll help, and I’m going to write it here, so maybe it will help you too.

O Persephone, 

Ruler of despair,

Queen of the darkness and interior spaces,

Lady of direst doubt and emptiest panic,

My kin in the shadows,

Goddess of my soul,

Please, please, please hear my prayer.

I am panicking.

I am lost in the darkness.

I am trapped under the earth,

Smothering in the unknown,

Dying in the darkness of speculation and dread.

O Persephone,

Journeyer from light to darkness and back again,

Seeker of hidden illumination,

Searcher for seeds in a barren land,

Give me hope!

Give me light!

Give me life!

O Persephone,

Your flesh is made of shadows,

Your viscera of light.

There is darkness wherever you walk,

But brilliance, borne within you, as well.

If you want light, then you only reach inside you,

Calling it forth from your heart,

Sending it out through your eyes,

To illuminate your way.

I am a child of the universe, a child of the gods, 

No greater and no lesser

Than the merest flower petal

Or the most massive supernova.

The power of divinity reaches through all things,

From the largest black hole

To the smallest bacteria.

The light of the universe lives within me,

Just as it lives within everything else.

O Persephone,

I too am a child of brilliance and shadow.

A core of light burns in me,

Just as it does within you.

Teach me, Persephone, 

Lead me through the night,

So that I may learn to draw upon

The holy light within me.

Then I will know my own path,

And I will illuminate the universe

With the divine golden flame

Of my own eyes.

Thank you for listening.

Do what you will, an it harm none.

—Much love,

Heck 


	43. Crowley Finishes Nanny's Letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley reacts to Heck's invocation of Persephone. He also, at long last, explains what Nanny was going to write before she disappeared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello adoring fans! As you can see, we're in the home stretch here. There are going to be somewhere between 53 and 56 chapters, so hold onto your hearts and your tissue boxes...
> 
> That said, I want to devote adequate time to this wrapup and conclusion so I can give Heck, her Hellmom, and her Angeldad the end [and new beginning] that they deserve. I will therefore be taking a short break from this story [no longer than a week -- please put down those torches and pitchforks].
> 
> Still can't get enough Heck? In the meantime, though, you can follow Heck's continuing adventures in [_(Don't) Trust Me; I'm (Not) the Doctor,_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20100385) a humorous short in which Crowley, a HUGE Doctor Who fan, is mistaken for a medical doctor. He seizes the chance to play both a doctor and the [Tenth, of course!] Doctor, dragging Heck into a medical mystery, the role of the Doctor's daughter, and a reunion with an old friend. Why yes, Nanny Ashtoreth appears as well!
> 
> It's pretty much done, so I'll be posting a chapter every day for the next week. If that doesn't sustain you, you can always reread this story and pick up all the grace notes, stylistic subtleties, clever callbacks, and genius character moments [?!] you missed the first time. :D

Sweet, darling, wonderful, lovely child of mine,

First of all,  **WOW.**

I was sitting here, staring at the paper, hoping some words would come. (They had all buggered off. Given the slowness with which they came back, I think they must have gone to Alpha Centauri.) But, before my words decided to return from holiday, your letter arrived.

WOW. And again I say WOW. Okay, so clearly it was very well-written. You really have a way with words, and I am so bloody jealous! If words are like snots, then your nose is just dripping away, and mine is all clogged up. (Hmmm, probably not the best comparison. Just ignore it, okay?)

Besides the words, though, the whole thing is  **WOW.** Like it has a WOW effect on you. What I mean is that, when I read it, I got into it, the words and the rhythm and the images. I was pausing at the ends of lines and breathing at the appropriate places and stuff. 

Then, by the end, I was calm! So it’s a prayer for calmness that actually makes you calm. Well done! That’s impressive. You’re amazing and full of illumination and golden light and words and  **WUVS** and all sorts of good stuff!

Second of all, Nanny’s letter. Okay, so here’s what happened. She was writing and got to the exact point where she would have finally told you what the letter was all about. But then she couldn’t do it anymore. She sneezed, I flickered, we broke, the genderfluids sloshed, whatever you want to call it. So here I am, and I tried to change back, but it didn’t work.

And so...for what she was going to say…

I’ve been staring at the paper for half an hour, not wanting to scratch anything out, because I know you’ll get that.

I don’t really know how to say it other than by just saying it, so I guess I’ll just say it.

I’m scared. 

I’m scared of meeting you, because I know you’re really excited, but I worry that you’ll realize how much I betrayed you by leaving you with the Dowlings, when I could have and should have kept you, and then you’ll be disappointed with me, and you’ll pull away from me, and then everything golden will disappear, and I will be lost in the outer darkness because I loved you too much or too little or something, I don’t know what, I don’t know anything anymore.

I’m just absolutely terrified at the thought of meeting you because I’m not worthy of being your mother, and also I’m a coward, and I didn’t tell you earlier, but you were so happy, I didn’t want to rain on your parade. I love you, but I’m so scared, scared enough that I can’t even hold onto the person you want me to be, and I don’t know what to do, and I’m miserable and crying and sorry.

**I love you so, so, so much, child,** but maybe that’s not enough???

—Crowley 


	44. Time Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck's taking a little break from FAMILY DRAMA!!!!!

Mom — 

Okay, wow, that’s a lot. Thank you for telling me, and I’m really sorry that you’re so scared and unhappy.

This isn’t going to be long because I know that, the longer it gets, the more I’ll want to talk about feelings and such. But I do want to let you know that I got your letter and read it. 

I’m not up for talking right now about everything in your letter and what it brought up. So I’m going to take a break from communicating with you for a while, but don’t panic. I’m just resting and thinking. I think this’ll probably be something to talk about with Dr. Jazz when I have therapy in two days.

Anyway, I’ll be back in touch soon.

Do what you will, an it harm none (that includes being kind to yourself!!!),

Lovelovelove,

Your hellspawn,

Heck


	45. Message from Mala

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The ineffable snake writes to Heck.

good idea child

lets both take some time

sorry for the feelings vomit and insecurity

i need to work on that

i really would have been more discreet myself

but they tend to overlook my perspective

silly humanoids

ignoring me just because i sleep a lot

anyway dont shed your scales worrying about me

just take care of yourself okay

and ill take care of me

therapy = excellent idea

well talk when were ready

be good my sweet child

wuvs

mala

ps why yes i am typing this with my tail

pss why yes it does take a long time 


	46. Ending Up in the Right Place Eventually

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck and Aziraphale talk gay contra dancing and how life could use a lot more twirling. Crowley, Nanny, and Mala are rated on Heck's "chill scale." Heck learns how Aziraphale and Crowley are dealing with Crowley's latest freakout.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** hey aziraphale

can we talk????

its totally completely and utterly non-urgent

(don’t panic, as crowley says, haha)

its just that id like to talk about this with someone whos not freaking the me out

**[Twenty-four hours later.]**

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Sweetheart, sweetheart, sweetheart! Hello, how wonderful to hear from you! I have been wondering how you were.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** not fussing right haha?????

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Fussing? Perish the thought. I merely sit down at the computer, determined to check in on you, then realize that I probably shouldn’t prod you after you have just received such a missive from Crowley. I also realize that anything that I type will somehow miraculously make its way to you, even with the cross-outs, so I decide to refrain, and I step away from the computer like the mature and reasonable gentleman I am. Two seconds later, however, I will ask myself, “But what if she needs me, and she’s just not writing because of various reasons?”

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** repressed fussing then

with bonus worrying!!

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Expect nothing less!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** so, before we get into anything

i have to ask, why is it gay??? dancing????

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Well, the entire group is made up of gay, lesbian, bi, and queer folks. We also use gender-neutral terms instead of “gentleman” and “lady.”

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** what are the terms? left and right?

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Oh goodness no, that would never work. The dancers switch places far too often. We use “lead” for the person who starts out on the left side of a couple and “follower” for the person who starts out on the right side of a couple.

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh thats cool

my only contact with contra dancing is

we were forced to do square dancing in high school phys ed for some reason

and the boys were all snorting and flinging each other around

we were all like, uuuuuggggh

why do we have to learn this old people dance???

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Well, from what I gather, the average age of a square dance club member does skew toward middle and older age. Contra, however, is slightly different. There are no squares, but lines instead, fewer steps to memorize, lots more twirling (wheeee!), and a decidedly younger crowd. We also have live music, and the fiddlers are just wonderful!

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oooooh, sounds more fun than square dancing!

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** It’s quite delightful! Would you like to have this dance (at some point in the future)?

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yeah!!!! yeah i would

it would be neat to have our own things

obviously i hang out a lot with hellmom

but i like to have special things to enjoy with just you too!!!!

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Excellent! I’m so very pleased. I would be very glad to dance with someone whose sense of rhythm is not adversely affected by their energy level.

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** just so you know

im kinda fat and awkward

ill probably step on your toes

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Not if I dodge fast enough! But seriously, my dear, if you’re willing to follow, then I can lead. If you’re not quite sure what the steps are, just move in the direction I’m pointing you, and, if all else fails, it can’t hurt to spin. You’ll end up in the right place eventually.

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** haha that sounded almost like a life philosophy!!

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Well, it most certainly could be. There are far too few opportunities for twirling in life, and there should definitely be more!   


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** youre so cool aziraphale

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Me? Are you sure you don’t mean my ineffable spouse?

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** crowley is not cool

hes just endlessly trying to appear cool

(better not tell him i said that)

but he’s mostly like goth

like a really dorky goth

which is cool in its own way

but its not like the badass tough guy cool that he likes to think he has

as for you, you’re like

the i dont give a heck cool

ive got my own style, im gonna do what i want,

dont care if i look like a fuddy duddy or anything,

just me and my gender-neutral dancing fam!

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Why thank you, sweetheart! I suppose it is a great honor when one of the youths of today bestows upon their elder, much less their Angeldad, the adjective of “cool!” Your compliment is graciously accepted.

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** um so yeah

hows mala???

she wrote to me yesterday

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** That’s unusual. She’s not much of a writer.

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** i guess she really wanted to let me know what was going on

which i appreciate

anyway shes so sweet, i really like her

she calls me child like nanny does

but shes so much more easygoing

like on a chill scale of 1 to 10

where 1 = block of ice

and 10 = boiling water

and nannys about 11

mala is like a 2 or 3

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** I do love that about her.

Anyway, Mala is here as a result of Crowley’s general exhaustion from the mid-letter transformation and concomitant emotions.

Overall, I get the sense that Crowley (in general) isn’t full of on-edge panic, as he was after our first tripartite reunion. It’s more of a heavy dread and sadness.

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay

yeah, im gonna save that for therapy

poor crowley though

are you worried about him?

how are YOU feeling???

i mean you seem to be in a pretty good??? mood

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Oh, I always worry about Crowley. I’m his ineffable spouse and a professional worrywart, so it comes with the job description.

That said, Mala does emanate a profound tranquility that affects me as well.

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** maybe thats why she wrote to me

she was trying to emanate it through the computer screen

and it worked

i mean i want her to be okay, and im sad that shes sad and freaking out

but im done with the panic

and anyway shes like “i can take care of myself”

and i believe her, i trust that she will

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Likewise.Though I know how sad and fearful she is, I really don’t have any panic about it. Of course, I want her to be confident, settled, stable, and happy, which she currently isn’t. I also know that she just needs time.

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yeah thats probably true

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** In case you haven’t noticed, Crowley has a tendency to assume the worst and react very dramatically to his assumptions, whether or not reality is actually that dramatic. 

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** no kidding

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** I have learned not to fret in cases such as these. He eventually returns to an equilibrium.

If I have any nervous energy, I go dancing. Or I fuss about someone whose moods I am not as familiar with (yours, of course).

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** im so happy were gonna go dancing sometime soon, you and me!

and thanks for telling me how hellmom is doing

im gonna sign off and think some more, okay?

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Certainly, whatever you need, sweetheart. It’s always a pleasure talking with you. I too look forward to dancing with you soon!

  



	47. Updating Arugula

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck chats with Arugula. She just had a great therapy session and got on drugs. Everyone is very excited that Harriet Dowling is really trying -- everyone except Heck, that is. Heck tells what's been going on with her ineffable parents. Arugula fell asleep in class and had to deal with an ableist teacher who's violating her IEP. There are now goats on Arugula's parents' farm. Arugula is going to name one after Heck's Hellmom. Stupid goat jokes.

**Arugula:** dude! my dude!

**Heck:** hi!!!!!

**Arugula:** how’s your second therapy session? you had it, right?

**Heck:** yup, two days ago

now im on drugsssssssssssssss!!!!!!!

**Arugula:** dude! which drugs?

**Heck:** low dose of sertaline??? or something???

**Arugula:** ah yes

sertraline

good ol’ Zoloft

that stuff really worked for my mom

and I think Alecto’s grandfather was on it for a while?

aaaaaanyway

I hear the major side effect, or at least the one people complain about,

is that it can send your sex life into the toilet

so be sure to watch out for that, my dude

**Heck:** haha okay but i think that would be more of a problem if i actually had one

a sex life i mean

**Arugula:** it could even do a number on your imaginary one, just saying

**Heck:** okay but you know what???

at this point i dont think id mind so much

if it gave me some more energy and better appetite

anyway i have to wait like 2-4 weeks for it to kick in

uuuuuggggggghhh

i hate waiting!!!!

**Arugula:** dude, I’m pretty sure you can handle it

so anyway, how’s the fam?

**Heck:** which one?

**Arugula:** which family for which witch? haha

any one, really

**Heck:** well harriet is VERY excited about meeting crowley and aziraphale

i told you how i told her that theyre like my substitute queer parents/mentors that i met online, right?

i told her to hold her horses

her latest brilliant idea is that we should go shopping, her and me,

mother and daughter bonding by supporting the capitalist machine i guess

  
  


**Arugula:** hmmmm, this could either be a nice idea or a complete disaster

  
  


**Heck:** well she wants to show me some “secondhand boutiques”

you know, where the used clothes are all on CONSIGNMENT

and they cost more than anything i get new

“theres always such a wonderful variety, im sure you can find something to work with your eclectic look”

  
  


**Arugula:** you have to admit that she’s trying

okay, so it’s not perfect

but she realizes that you’ve got your own style

and she wants to support it

in her rich ex-ambassador’s-wife kinda way

  
  


**Heck:** i know i know

you and alecto and nanny and aziraphale (and probably even crowley) are so thrilled that shes trying

everyone i know is cheering her on

well except for dr jazz

shes all like, so how do YOU feel about that????

and im like, weird, i feel weird, i feel like its too little too late

and shes like, mmm hmmm, i see, and since im a very good psychiatrist but unfortunately not a mind reader, at least not yet, could you please tell me a little more about what you mean by “too little too late”????

  
  


**Arugula:** haha, I like her!

  
  


**Heck:** i dunno, i just

i feel like she never cared, never cared, never cared, 

never tried, never tried, never tried,

for the first 18 years, and now all of a sudden

shes like ohno ohno i really hecked up bad, my kid might hate me forever

quick!!!!!!!! compensate, compensate!!!!!!

even if she does really mean it,

im not sure i can trust it

  
  


**Arugula:** I know what you mean

yeah like, if there’s one person who laughs at your choreography, then you’re not going to want to work with them, even if they apologize and mean it and have good ideas

  
  


**Heck:** exactly

i mean, she took me away from my mom and dad!!!!!!!

she sent me to that awful homophobia school

because she couldnt stand that nanny and francis loved me

i think im allowed to have a few trust issues

  
  


**Arugula:** totally

  
  


**Heck:** she messed up nanny too, and she doesnt even realize!!!!!!

you know that big DRAMATIC letter i said i got,

but didnt want to talk about because it was so

like

DRAMATIC????!!!!!!

  
  


**Arugula:** right, and Crowley finished it, and then Mala had to nap for a few days to recover, etc., etc., etc.

  
  


**Heck:** well she was blaming herself for abandoning me

nanny was

i should have taken you with me, she said

i shouldnt have left you with the dowlings

i loved you too much, thats why they sent you away

i love you too little, thats why i didnt take you with me

you know what she said?????

she said “im a bad mother”

nanny!!!!! said that!!!!!

  
  


**Arugula:** awwwwww, dude

Nanny my dude, noooooooooooo!!!!!

I haven’t even met you, and I know that’s not true

you are like bestest mom ever!!!!!!!

  
  


**Heck:** yeah so nanny blames herself for what HARRIET did

thats why she was so scared

she thinks i might not love her or something

because she didnt rescue me

  
  


**Arugula:** oh man, oh no, oh Nanny

I want to give her a hug

  
  


**Heck:** yeah me too

so many hugs

so many wuvs

at first i was so mad because i thought she was scared of ME

or that she didnt love me enough to get over her fear

thats why i took some time, i needed to sort things out

  
  


**Arugula:** sounds like you did?? good for you

  
  


**Heck:** yeah i did

i talked about it with dr jazz

and shes not scared of me

shes scared because of herself, and her own guilt

WHICH WASN’T HELPED AT ALL BY THE DOWLINGS SENDING ME AWAY

and its not that she doesnt love me enough

its that she loves me so much

but she has some TRUST ISSUES

FOR A VERY GOOD REASON

you know, just like i do

and shes taking it out on herself

  
  


**Arugula:** also, look at it this way

remember when your fairy godmother was so nervous that he couldn’t tell you how anxious he was?

here she is, telling you now, before any meetup

it’s not much of a change but it’s something

  
  


**Heck:** no no no, actually its a HUGE HUGE change

nanny couldnt finish the letter

but CROWLEY did

crowley of all people

the one who was frozen stiff during the first reunion

he was the one who told me flat out that he was scared

that is HUGE

HUMUNGOUS even

  
  


**Arugula:** yeah, now that you mention it, it is!!!!

gooooooo Crowley!!!!!

Team Fairy Godmother is rooting for you all the way my dude!!!!!!

  
  


**Heck:** yeah so i havent talked to him at all for a few days

i wanted to clear my head

me and aziraphale were talking dancing, which was fun

he is part of a gay contra dance club, hes taking me sometime

hes just so cool in a supremely nerdy way

  
  


**Arugula:** HIS WIGGLES

  
  


**Heck:** haha yeah

hes not very huggy

i mean nanny was always hugging me

maybe it comes from being a snake??? i dunno

but he has so many words

and he uses them all to say i love you

words = wuvs

  
  


**Arugula:** wiggles = wuvs

  
  


**Heck:** haha youre right

so hows it going???

  
  


**Arugula:** oh, you know

same old, same old, fell asleep in Brit Lit 2

why does school start so early???

why do I have the most boring class first thing?

it must be some sort of fiendish plot to bring down my gpa

no Gallaudet for you, young lady

you slept right through that snorefest where Thomas Hardy spends an entire chapter describing the heath

uggggggh!!! Mr. Brinvilliers won’t use the mike

and he never writes anything down

so how am I supposed to hear him??? or get anything out of his stupid class?

  
  


**Heck:** isnt it in your plan

you know, your accessibility plan

that you have to have accommodations????

  
  


**Arugula:** yeah, that’s my i.e.p.

individualized education plan

it specifically states that dumbasses like Mr. Brinvilliers are supposed to use the mike

so my hearing aids can pick them up

and I can actually get something out of the class

mind-blowing concept, I know

  
  


**Heck:** whats his problem??

you havent had any problems before????

  
  


**Arugula:** no, not since fourth grade

when Ms. Shotleigh kept purposely talking to the board so I couldn’t read her lips

that’s because my dad always puts the fear of god into them at i.e.p. meetings

okay, well, the fear of DAD

anyone who even THINKS about not doing what the i.e.p. says first off gets complaints from me, phone call, email, and snail mail

then I sic my dad on them, and we meet with the dumbass in question and tell them all about state and federal laws and give them the evil eye

then they behave themselves

  
  


**Heck:** go you!!!!! go arugulas dad!!!!! power to the people!!!!!

  
  


**Arugula:** I’ve only had to do once so far, but I’m so sick of it

it’s such a big production

why is it MY problem to fix when some DUMBASS doesn’t follow the i.e.p.??!!!

why do I have to FIGHT to hear what some dead straight white dude had to say about the heath?

when I wouldn’t even have this problem in the first place if the DUMBASSES just followed the i.e.p.

which they are LEGALLY REQUIRED TO DO, I might add

  
  


**Heck:** hmmm yeah

that stinks

im sorry that you have to fight for what you should just have anyway

some people are total dumbasses

  
  


**Arugula:** dude, that’s ableism for you

  
  


**Heck:** ableism stinks

  
  


**Arugula:** on a different topic, do you need more relaxation time?

we could go up to Plumbing Is For Wusses Farm

mom and dad got goats, we could milk them

  
  


**Heck:** people???? milk???? goats????

  
  


**Arugula:** well, yeah, where do you think goat milk comes from?

  
  


**Heck:** i never thought about it

i guess i thought it just sort of appeared in fancy cartons haha

  
  


**Arugula:** it does, actually

you squeeze the udders, and cartons come out

they come out long and skinny, and you have to make them into the square shape

  
  


**Heck:** omggggggg

  
  


**Arugula:** that’s why they eat grass, you know

they have little paper mills in their stomachs, and they turn the grass into paper for the cartons

  
  


**Heck:** but how do the kids open the cartons????

oh i know they have can openers on their tongues!!

  
  


**Arugula:** retractable ones, of course, so they don’t hurt the nanny goat when they’re nursing

  
  


**Heck:** OMGGGGGG

NANNY GOAT

oops, now I’m picturing a Nanny goat

ohmygods ohmygods haha

shed kick my ass if she knew

**Arugula:** well, goats tend to kick, right?

no but seriously, our goats have these very SERIOUS faces

and weird pupils, horizontal instead of vertical,

and there is a black one with yellow eyes who lurks over in the corner and just watches everything, very disapprovingly

she’s usually pretty quiet, but then suddenly, she goes “MEEEEEEEEEEHHH!!!” and scares the hell out of you

yeah, I know what this goat’s going to be called

  
  


**Heck:** okay i am like 50% crying with laughter

and 50% thinking shell love it

and 50% going, oh heck, shell find out somehow and come after ME!!!!

  
  


**Arugula:** that’s...150%...

  
  


**Heck:** hey i have a lot of emotions about my hellmom okay?!!! dont judge me!!

haha, i know its 150%

yeah wow nanny is definitely formidable if i still have the little kid awe and respect from my childhood

get it, from when i was a little KID??

  
  


**Arugula:** I’m pretty sure Nanny (goat) still sees you as her kid

  
  


**Heck:** as long as she doesnt make me drink goat milk im fine

that stuff has a weird aftertaste

  
  


**Arugula:** hey, have you even talked to the old (Nanny) goat recently?

  
  


**Heck:** oh my gods BLASPHEMY 

“old goat”?!?!!?!?

no i havent talked to nanny MY HELLMOM recently, she hasnt been around

  
  


**Arugula:** kid, let me tell you something

your Hellmom (Nanny goat) was using Harriet as a SCAPEGOAT for her own fear and guilt

and you know how much you being sent to boarding school really got her GOAT

so you really should check in on her and make sure she’s not on the HORNS of a dilemma or anything

you really need to grab the GOAT by the HORNS and honk them

  
  


**Heck:** omggggggg i cannot handle this right now haha!!!

stop it with the GOATS before i end up calling nanny one!!!

byyyeeeeeeee!


	48. I Come From the Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck and Aziraphale analyze Mary Poppins in detail. She's really a chthonic nature goddess, and we have proof! They discuss the distribution of Crowley's genderfluids and hope for some more Nanny in the near future. Meanwhile Aziraphale thinks of a way to bring Nanny back...

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** heyooooo angeldad

any interest in talking books with me??

ive figured out the formula that every single chapter of mary poppins follows

every! single! chapter!! without exception

well except for the first and the last of each book

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Hello, sweetheart! Of course I am! Do tell!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** 1— mary poppins is doing something with the kids, the kids complain about something, mary poppins threatens them and gives them dirty looks

2— either jane or michael make an idle wish, or mary poppins takes them to some new weird place, or mary poppins does something very puzzling

3— on the way there, the kids are still nervous/excited/puzzled, it doesnt matter, mary poppins still acts unnecessarily mean and vain about her appearance

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** You really dislike her personality, don’t you?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yes because shes MEAN

anyway

4— either they meet a magical character or go into a magical world, or they go to some big party, and its all very cool, like with inanimate objects coming alive, or stars coming to earth, or some sort of role reversal like the animals in the zoo putting people in cages, or flying (theres lots and lots of flying in these books)

5— while jane and michael are having fun, everyone keeps mentioning an important person or guest of honor, and they have no idea who it is, but of course it’s THE NANNY

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Yes, everyone knows  _ the nanny: _ people, non-human animals, mythological figures, celestial bodies. And they all think she’s the most impressive, talented, and amazing guest anyone could have at their party.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yeah the story thinks that shes the perfectest ever, even if i dont

6— there’s some dance or party or game or interlude where everyone’s bouncing off the ceiling, or dancing under the sea, or riding peppermint stick horses, and thats when pl travers gets all poetic about the symbols and mystery and magic of the earth and stars and nature 

7— jane and michael are falling asleep, and they keep confusing the sensations of bedtime with the sensations of their adventures

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** I must confess that I love the climaxes that you describe in #6, followed by the confusion of the adventure and reality in #7. The atmosphere is always so chaotic and exciting and dreamlike.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yeah me too, except i dont think my dreams were ever that heckin cool

8— they wake up all confused (again) that the adventure ended, and they insist that it was real, but mary poppins glares at them and intimidates them into shutting up

9— they always see some little piece of proof that they weren’t just imagining things, and they point it out to each other (but not to the crabby nanny), the end, repeat next chapter

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Of course, sometimes there are slight deviations, such as when Mary Poppins tells stories, which then leave their proof in the real world, or when Jane or Michael have solo adventures. But, on the whole, yes, each chapter of a Mary Poppins book follows that structure. Hmmm…

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** ???

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Why do you think that is?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** wait is this a quiz?

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** No. Why do you ask?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** well you know how nanny would always ask me,

well what do YOU think the answer is?

it got to the point where id never ask her something without having like at least 3 smartass answers stored up

i swear, sometimes i wish shed just answer the question!

darn snake of critical thinking!

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Oh no no no, sweetheart. I know you had that experience with Nanny, but I was actually asking you that question because I hadn’t really thought about an answer before. Now I’m curious, though. Why  _ would _ each chapter be so strictly formulaic? What does that accomplish?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** smartass answer 1— makes them easier to write!

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Smartass answer #2: It makes them easier to read!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** haha!

i think also that part of it is that routine is really comforting, especially to little kids

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** To people in general, I should think. I know I’m never myself until after my first morning cocoa, and Nanny has a significant number of routines, none of which you should ever interrupt or seek to alter, under pain of death (or at least killing looks).

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** right so having routine chapters is like relaxing

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** All the more so if an adult is reading to a child at bedtime.

Oh, I just thought of something. Perhaps the stereotypical structure allows the reader to shift their attention away from the structure, instead focusing on the characters...or should I say  _ the _ character?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** THE EVIL NANNY!!!!!!

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** She’s not evil. She’s chaotic and  _ chthonic. _

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** gesundheit

whats chthonic?

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** It means relating to the underworld, especially as far as Ancient Greek mythology is concerned.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** ooooooh like persephone!!

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Exactly like Persephone.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** but mary poppins isnt exactly like persephone

shes more like a mom equivalent, watching over the kids

and persephone is more of a daughter figure, 

one of her names is kore, the maiden

also mary poppins is associated with the sky, always flying away on her umbrella

and persephone is associated with the earth and fruit (pomegranates)

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Right, all that is very true, but I don’t think one needs to be exactly like Persephone in order to be chthonic.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay so tell me why you think mary poppins is chthonic

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** When I say that she’s chthonic, I don’t mean that she’s literally of the underworld. I mean that she’s more a guardian or embodiment of secret knowledge, liminal spaces, judgment, and fearsome qualities that are usually associated with the underworld.

Liminal spaces, by the way, are like thresholds, borders between worlds, places or times or states of being that are neither quite one, nor the other.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh right, like that half dream state that jane and michael are always in at the end of an adventure

they confuse nursery sounds with adventure sounds

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Yes, that’s it exactly, sweetheart. Mary Poppins presides over such transitional spaces and events, which is why so many inanimate objects become animate when she’s nearby.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh my gods, mary poppins, goddess of transitioning!!!

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** She could be. I don’t see a lot of genderfluids (haha) in the books, but she does effect some miraculous changes. Statues come alive when she’s around; her compass teleports people; gingerbread stars turn into actual stars when she puts them up in the sky.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay thats true

so shes definitely a guardian of liminal spaces

what else did you say??? (scrolls back up)

1— liminal spaces

2— secret knowledge

3— judgment

4— fearsome qualities

so as for 2, secret knowledge, thats easy because she NEVER EVER EVER answers jane and michaels questions

she literally keeps all the secrets

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** She also knows the language of birds, which most humans forget when they are babies. And she also remembers that amazing story about where babies come from, even though most humans forget that as well.

“I am earth and air and fire and water. I come from the Dark where all things have their beginning. I come from the sea and its tides. I come from the sky and its stars. I come from the sun and its brightness, and I come from the forests of the earth.

“Slowly I moved at first, always sleeping and dreaming. I remembered all I had been, and I thought of all I shall be. And when I dream my dream, I awoke and came swiftly.

“I heard the stars singing as I came, and I felt warm wings about me. I passed the beasts of the jungle and came through the dark, deep waters. It was a long journey.”

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh yeah, annabels story of how she was born

that just blew my heckin mind

i knew it was magical when i was reading it, but

when you typed it all up like that

its an incantation

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Or an invocation...or a prayer. I know you wrote that prayer to Persephone in a letter to Mala, but she let me read it. Your prayer feels like Annabel’s story. They both have a chthonic solidity and shadow to them.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** “i come from the dark where all things have their beginning”

thats literally mary poppins origin story

out of the CHTHONIC darkness

as for 3— judgment, she judges everyone for everything, she thinks shes better than they are and says so

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Don’t forget that she has the thermometer and tape measure that measure people’s personalities and flaws.

As for 4, she intimidates  _ everyone, _ including adults.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** she wouldnt intimidate nanny

omggggg can you imagine that

one chthonic goddess of darkness and transitioning, meeting another?

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Well, you know...there  _ was _ that adventure in the zoo where Mary Poppins talked to the Ruler of Beasts, who was a  _ golden snake, _ the Hamadryad. They were very polite to each other, and they addressed each other as equals. 

I like to think that a meeting between the two chthonic ladies in question would transpire similarly.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** i was kinda hoping that nanny would kick mary poppins snobby butt

but youre right, of course shed be very polite

while secretly fantasizing about burning her stinking little hat off her head

oh gods i just miss her so much

i wish she were around more often

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** We all do. Mostly Crowley most of the time is a little much. Even Crowley says it’s exhausting to be Crowley so much of the time. 

It’s my theory that he’s on a Crowley-heavy rebound from being Nanny for so long (while watching you). Hopefully things will even out soon, and we’ll have a more balanced demon (less Crowley, more Nanny, more Mala) on our hands. 

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** omgggggggggg that would be fantastic!!!!!

then i wouldnt have to wait around for so long for her

  
  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Right now Crowley is here, and he’s reasonably calm. I’m not sure how he’s feeling in terms of voluntary or involuntary control of THE GENDERS.

However, speaking of incantations and invocations, we know that the genderfluids are affected emotionally, so I think that you could bring Nanny to you if you invoked her properly.

  
  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh wow!!!!! i could???? you think???

thats so cool!!!

well ill have to ask crowleys permission first

i cant just mess around with THE GENDERS when they arent mine

  
  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** You understand, of course, that merely typing “NANNNNNYYYYYYYY!!!” into our private circle would not work.

  
  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** i know that!!! please, im a witch!!!

ive invoked people (and gods and such) before

its just that theyve never responded

although i did write that letter and threw it away

and nanny got it anyway

so i sort of summoned a demon

without meaning to, oops

so at least SOMEONE responds to my invocations

but i figure that a REALLY GOOD invocation requires the proper things on the altar and the proper candles and the proper state of mind

and of course the right words

  
  


**SubversiveSnark:** Hey fam. Hello child. Hello ineffable spouse. Trying to evoke Nanny I see.

  
  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Well, speak of the demon!

(He just did jazz hands so hard that he fell off the chair.)

  
  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** crowleyyyyyyyyyy!!!!! hi!!!!!!!!

  
  


**SubversiveSnark:** Helllllspaaaaaawn!!!!! Hiiiiiiii!!!!

Fear not, worries of my demise were slightly exaggerated

  
  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** hey while youre here, can i ask you something

i really really want to talk to nanny about her letter

  
  


**SubversiveSnark:** Whoof, that’s a tall order, child. I’m clearly not really in control of the ol’ genderfluids at the mo.

  
  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** but if you read back you can see that aziraphale thinks i can invoke you!!!

  
  


**SubversiveSnark:** (Hang on, reading)

  
  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** so i was wondering if that way okay with you, if i try to do that

i dont want to mess around with THE GENDERS without permission

  
  


**SubversiveSnark:** Oh no, go right ahead, please do, by my guest! 

I’m slightly sick of being Crowley right now, but I can’t really do anything about it.

If you think you’ve got magic witchy summoning powers, please please PLEASE use them!!

  
  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** aziraphale says you both want more nanny,

like a better distribution of the genderfluids

  
  


**SubversiveSnark:** Uh YEAH!!!!! Preferably at reasonably spaced intervals instead of these surprise hiccups.

I’m all about minimal effort here, and this whiplash business is too much work

Messes with my beauty sleep…

  
  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** I must say that it’s unsettling for everyone involved, and I share your hope that the whiplash resumes its usual more orderly alternation.

  
  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay ive got spanish homework to do

and a nanny to invoke

so ive got to go!!!

bye hellmom and angeldad!!!


	49. Invocation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck tries to invoke her Hellmom.

Nanny— 

This was supposed to be a great, knock your socks off thing.

At first I thought it was going to be like my prayer to Persephone, but to you. And, like my prayer to Persephone that made me calm when I read it, it was going to actually pull you up and you, piece by piece, word by word, line by line. Then, at the end, you would be back, and you would be here, and you would be mine again.

And then I thought it was going to actually be addressed to Mary Poppins. You know, she’s a fellow chthonic entity of transformation and transitional places, like you. I figured that you two probably crossed paths, so maybe she could help me find you. And then I would piss you off so much (by writing to Mary Poppins instead of you) and entertain you so much (because it would have been clever) that you couldn’t help but laugh. And you’d come back.

And then I thought maybe I had a story in me, like one of P.L. Travers’ fairy tales that Mary Poppins tells. It would be all metaphorical and heart-wrenching and thematically impressive. Then you’d read it and cry and say “Yes! That’s so true!” And you would break and appear (sniffing briskly on your handkerchief, of course). And then you’d be home.

But then I sat down and tried to write the prayer or the letter or the story, and I had no words. I mean, I had words, but they weren’t good enough. They were boring, everyday words, not grand, clever, impressive ones. 

All I have then are the boring, everyday words, these little things that we use so often that they seem empty and trite and meaningless. They’re all I have, so that’s what I’ll use.

I love you, I miss you, I want you back.

I know you, I see you, I want you.

I want all of you.

I want the love, I want the pride, I want the power.

I want the fear, I want the doubt, I want the grief.

I want you, with your flesh of shadows, and your viscera of light.

I know what you’re afraid of, and I don’t care.

I still want you.

I miss the brilliance of your eyes, and the warmth of your coils, and the sweetness when you hiss.

I miss your sense of humor, and your smarts, and most of all your kindness.

I miss you as the counterpoint to Mala the chill and Crowley the frenetic.

I miss my Hellmom, who goes with Angeldad and Witchkid and completes the set and makes a family. 

You make the universe more wonderful and terrifying and amazing when you’re here.

You made the vacuum of space emptier and the gleam of the sun hotter.

You make the shadows deeper and the light brighter.

You make the secrets more hidden and the truth more illuminated.

Most of all, you give the universe its balance. 

You are darkness and light equally, 

Without opposition, exclusion, or condemnation.

You are made of them both, 

And they are neither good nor bad,

They are only you.

Bring back your darkness, bring back your light.

Return with your shadows, return with your brilliance.

Return with everything that you feel, knowing that you are accepted.

Return with everything that you are, knowing that you are loved.

Return, return, return, come back to where you belong.

Come back, come up, come to me, come home... _ and stay. _

WUVS,

Your child,

Heck

  
  



	50. Nanny's Return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's baaaaaaack? It's the inimitable, irrepressible, irresistible NANNY ASHTORETH! She comes bearing apologies, poignant stories, and lots of wuvs.

**SubversiveSnark:** Behold, child, for I come in answer to your prayers.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** NANNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IS THAT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** Who else would I be — Mary Poppins, perhaps? The very idea! And do quiet down. This is a private Pandemonium channel, not a roller coaster at the fairgrounds.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** all hail nanny poppins, ineffable entity of transitions, liminal spaces, and hostile personalities!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** Shut your sarcastic mouth this instant, child, and mind your manners. I am no ineffable entity, but a perfectly respectable lady. Obey your elders, and remember that children should be seen and not heard.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** what are you going to do if i keep talking??

send me to bed without any supper???

**SubversiveSnark:** Don’t be ridiculous. I have at my disposal much more effective disciplinary measures. I might, for example, decide never to tell you a story again. How would you like that?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** !!!!!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** Well well! Snake got your tongue, I suppose? All the better then! Now sit there in silence, you wicked child, and thank your lucky stars that your punishment isn’t more severe. You don’t really want to anger the Sssserpent of Sssssubversion, do you?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** (hugs snake of critical thinking)

**SubversiveSnark:** (Hisses at “Snake of Critical Thinking” title, hugs back.)

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** snake of critical thinking!!!!! SNAKE OF CRITICAL THINKING!!!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** (Laughing to the point of incoherence) Sssstop… Ssssstop it!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** (tickled by snake tongue accidentally in ear) yeeeeeeeeek!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** Ugh, earwax. How disgusting. Ptooey!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** welcome back hellmom!!!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** Thank you. I am very glad to be back. 

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** so i take it the incantation worked and i summoned you back!

**SubversiveSnark:** It did! You did! Don’t worry about the fanciness of the words. You’re right; your state of mind and the rightness of the words are more important. And those were exactly the right words at the right time. They worked instantly!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yaaaaaaaayyyyyy im so glad!!!

did you see that i put “stay” at the end??? i hope that works

and you can hang around for a while

**SubversiveSnark:** Me too! I might even have time to work on “fetch” and “roll over!”

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** haha!!!!!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** Child…?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** ???

**SubversiveSnark:** I just want to let you know that I apologize for losing my composure and leaving the letter undone as I did. Obviously my own anxiety caused you some panic as well. I am sorry that I made you worry. I am sorry too that I violently overreacted.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** hey i understand

thanks for apologizing

i know that both of us have lots of sore spots about our relationship and the dowlings

and, whenever we hit one of them, we sting

we just have to deal with it

it’s just gonna happen now and then

**SubversiveSnark:** Well, I greatly appreciate your patience and forbearance during my turmoil. I suppose the best that we can do during such things is to be patient and to keep as calm as we can.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** well youd do the same for me, being patient and forbearing i mean

and i think youre right about keeping calm

if someone is freaking out, ideally the other person shouldnt be freaking out too

i actually wasnt

freaking out i mean

not like after the first visit when crowley was so stiff and scared

**SubversiveSnark:** That’s a relief!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** i mean i was worried for you

but you had just spilled so much to me that i just needed some time to think

i postponed really talking about it till i met with dr jazz

at first i was offended because i thought that you were saying that you were scared of ME

and my insight and stuff

but i was looking at the letter and i realized

you talk much more about your own unworthiness, inadequacy, bad mothering

you were scared of your own self

**SubversiveSnark:** That was a smart idea, talking about it with your therapist. And you’re right, my fear had precious little to do with you and everything to do with my own panic.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** so um how are you feeling right now??

dare i ask???? after the letter and crowley explaining and mala napping and all

**SubversiveSnark:** Oh, I am much more at peace. Mala’s calm has permeated my entire self. I hope to retain it for quite some time!

I am feeling sheepish (which is a very odd sensation for a demonic snake!), but also very pleased that you understand.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** im just so glad youre back

we all miss you so much when youre gone

im!!!! so!!!! happy!!!!! youre here!!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** On a different note, can I tell you a story?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** you can always tell me a story!!

i love your stories!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** Be warned, though, that this is not a happy tale. I want to tell you, though, so that maybe you can understand what I was thinking and feeling when I wrote that unfinished letter. 

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay whats it about?

**SubversiveSnark:** It is the time that you parted from me and Francis to go to boarding school. Is it all right that I tell you?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yeah because

i actually dont remember any of it

i must have blocked it out

i remember being told the news and throwing a fit and hurting you

but not the actual leaving

**SubversiveSnark:** Well then…

I gave you an address with a post box. “If you ever want to, you can write to me. I promise to write back.”

You said, “I don’t want to write to you. I want to live with you.”

I said, “I’m so sorry, child, but I can’t. We can write to each other, though, and talk on the phone. We can still be friends.”

You said, “I don’t want you to be my friend. I want you to be my Nanny!”

The three of us were crying, though I was trying very hard not to.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh gods

oh wow

that must have tugged on the old heart strings

**SubversiveSnark:** To say the least!

I was trying so hard to balance the truth with how much I loved you. I told you that I’d always be yours, even if I wasn’t taking care of you. I said that we had to separate because that was what your parents wanted, but we didn’t have to be apart forever. We could always reunite in the future. I was even desperate enough to whisper to you that we would visit you on campus.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** you did??? wow!!!!!

i dont remember that ever happening though???

**SubversiveSnark:** Well, no, because you were having none of my attempts. You said no to everything. You wouldn’t write or call or answer the door if we came by your dorm. The only thing you wanted was for things to continue as they were.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh wow

gods i feel sorry for poor little me!

i was so so so so so angry and sad and betrayed

**SubversiveSnark:** Oh yes, and I could taste that bitterness crackling in the air about you. It smelled like melting plastic and snapped like lightning. There was something rotten at the core of it, and I thought it was hatred, but I see now that it may have been the hurt of betrayal.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** did i ever say i hated you???

gods i hope not!!!

if i did im sorry, and i didnt mean it!!!!!!!!

**SubversiveSnark:** No, child, you never did. You never said that you hated us. But that’s what I assumed that you felt.

When we really did have to leave, you clung to me like a snake. You said, “Don’t run away! Don’t leave me all by myself! Take me with you! I love you!”

Of course, I said that I was very sorry, but I couldn’t take you with me.

And you looked me dead in the eyes and said, “You could  _ so _ take me with you. You can do anything. You just don’t  _ want  _ to take me with you.” Then you ran away crying and hid.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** so those were the last words i said to you that day???

oof, thats harsh

**SubversiveSnark:** Of course, I took those words with me. I repeated them to myself so often that I began to believe that I could have taken you, but didn’t. 

I took the image of you running and hiding from us too. To me that seemed like a definite rejection. 

And that’s why, I suppose, that I never came back.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** ohhhhhhhhhhh

so YOU were scared and sad and angry and afraid of rejection too!!

**SubversiveSnark:** I was. When you sent me your letter containing your memories about learning that you would be sent away, all my old feelings were stirred up. They came to a head when you spoke so insistently about seeing me so soon. I wanted to write you and say that I was scared, but I couldn’t. Crowley graciously did it for me. And that’s what happened.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay thanks, that fills in the gaps

gods, were both so hard on ourselves

like hellmom, like hellspawn!!

**SubversiveSnark:** Oh dear, I do hope I wasn’t that kind of role model for you!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** no dont worry i was just kidding

oh my gods, speaking of kids

arugulas parents got goats for their farm, shes naming one after you

because its black with yellow eyes and glares at everything

and scares the poop out of people

**SubversiveSnark:** Nanny Ashtoreth the goat!! I love it.

If, on the other hand, if my hellspawn calls me a “goat,” it’s spit-spot to bed with you!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** ill spit on YOUR spot!!!

hey um nanny poppins?

**SubversiveSnark:** Yes, child?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** about me visiting you…

i want to see you so badly

but im not sure what to do now????

ask you??? wait for you to ask me???

**SubversiveSnark:** Let me check my schedule and get back to you, all right?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay

i really hope to hear from you soon!!!

i love you and miss you!!!!

hey if aziraphale is free can you put him on please?

**SubversiveSnark:** Of course, child! Goodbye!


	51. Surprise Planning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck wants to see her Hellmom ASAP, so she and Aziraphale hatch a plan...

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** hey angeldad

is hellmom there??? i mean is she out of the room??

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Hello, sweetheart! Yes, I believe your mother is doing something with her makeup. Shall I get her?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** no! actually

i just want to have a private conversation with just you

i didnt want her to see

nothing bad, just a secret

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Well, she’s at her vanity in the bedroom, so we do indeed have the privacy for secrets. What is it?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** so, as you probably guessed

nannys back, shes in a really good mood

i told her “stay” so hopefully that will help her to stay and not flicker out

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Clever thinking, sweetheart! Crowley stayed around through the shopping trip through sheer force of will because he knew it was important to you both. 

Now that Nanny knows how much you want  _ her _ in particular, she will stay for you. I know it!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** good, okay, thats what i thought

but i dunno, i still feel like shes stalling

i said, hey what about me seeing you?

she said, let me check my schedule!

what schedule???? look, i know you two have your own lives

but, when i wanted to meet you and crowley for the first time, he was like,

WAHOOOOO were totally free, well do anything to meet you!!

so i feel like either you suddenly got really busy,

or shes still nervous???? and stalling out of fear????

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Well, we certainly haven’t suddenly filled up our days with matters far more pressing than the reunion of our family!

In other words, you’re right. She’s still nervous, so she’s temporizing.

Oh, the silly snake! I do adore her, but she can be quite foolish on occasion.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** i cant wait!!!!

ive been waiting for so long, 9 years!!!!!

i cant wait anymore!!!!!

i want to see her so badly that it makes me cry just thinking about it!!!!

i miss her so so so so so much!!!!!!

but i love her so so so so much too

and i know i should be patient and forbearing and kind and thoughtful and all that,

but i want to see her as soon as possible

i want my nanny

i want my mom

oh no now im crying

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Oh, dear heart, of course you’re frustrated. Of course you can’t wait. You have been infinitely patient already with the vicissitudes of Crowley’s ambivalence. I know that your heart must be hurting because you feel like you’re so near to seeing her and yet so far.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** (getting handkerchiefs from under pillows, blowing nose, etc.)

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** And so, since my ineffably silly spouse is shilly-shallying, I, Aziraphale, shall take matters under my own wings!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** (be right back, putting hankerchiefs in hamper)

whats that mean?

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Here is my proposal. If you cannot wait to see your mother, then you should not have to. It’s Friday afternoon now for you there, which means it’s late Friday night, almost Saturday, for us here.

If you like, I shall use all miracles currently at my disposal to a) transport you here to Upper Tadfield, b) arrange for Harriet to believe that you are at Arugula’s or some such, c) adjust you to the time difference, d) alter the flow of time so that you can get a good night’s sleep, and then e) allow you Saturday with your mother.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** aziraphale!!!!!!

ohgods ohgods ohgods!!!!

can you do that???

you can do that?????!!!!!!

you would do that??????!!!! for me????

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** For my daughter, yes, and for my ineffable spouse, I would move Heaven and Earth.

And, before you object to ambushing Nanny with a surprise visit, I will say that it’s just the thing she needs. She will be forced to overcome any lingering qualms when you are right there, bouncing with glee. I guarantee it!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** sobbing here

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** She will be momentarily startled, of course, but I have no doubt that her compunctions would resolve once she sees you.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** (getting hankies out of hamper)

(more nose blowing)

please hold, your circle of hell is important to us

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** I’m holding, sweetheart. Don’t worry about me. Take all the time you need.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** having a series of moments

need to get away from chat for a bit

dont go okay?

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** I won’t. I promise.

**[Thirty-one minutes later.]**

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay so i think im coherent again

thank you so much aziraphale

that is the best most generous offer ever

and id be so happy, so overjoyed, so thrilled, so so so so ecstatic

to come over RIGHT NOW!!!!!!

but i have questions

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Please ask, love.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** 1— do you have the strength for all that? i dont know how much work miracles take

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** I shall be quite drained, miraculously speaking, after an effort of that scope. Nanny would have to arrange for your return trip. Nevertheless, I assure you that I will still be in fine enough spirits to welcome you into our home!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** 2— okay this is like very very sudden, basically like waking up to nanny IN A FEW HOURS

id really like to like wait till lunch time or something,

just to have a few hours to get my bearings

so how do we make sure its still a surprise???

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** I shall bring you to my bookshop. I do keep odd hours, so Nanny will see nothing unusual in me spending the night there. 

There are already accommodations for you. You might sleep in the back office if you like; there’s a very comfy recliner there in which I myself have often napped. There is a bathroom back there too, as well as a kitchen area. You’ll find an electric kettle, hot plate, microwave, and refrigerator with my latest delicacies. I don’t really need to sleep, so I’ll be puttering in the stacks, so you won’t be alone.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** wow yeah i think thats everything

wait is there a shower in the bathroom?

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Regrettably no. However, our friends Anathema and Newt Pulsifer-Device live just a hop and a skip down the road from us in Tadfield. They’re on holiday in California, so I’m watching their cats. In other words, their house is currently empty, so I can miracle us over there, and you can freshen up in their washroom. 

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** wow youve thought of everything!!

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** I must confess that I have been developing this plan for some time in the event that my dear  _ doltish _ demonic darling might, as you say, “freak out” at the last second.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay, so, you do your miracles, i go over, sleep in special collections, shower in your friends’ house, hang out in special collections and try not to freak out myself (haha no ill be fine), and then what????

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Well, Nanny has a standing appointment to objurgate me and all the plants in the shop around 11:30 AM, so trust me — you’ll hear her coming.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** ohwowohwowohwow

actual objurgation in action!!!!

this is so heckin cool!!!!!!!

do you think shell like sense that im there??

like sometimes she senses when im sad or confused or in despair????

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** No, and this is the wonderful part of the plan. As a demon, Nanny only senses negative emotions, so, unless you’re overwhelmed with nervousness, she won’t pick up on it. Besides, she’s not even expecting you to be here, so she’s not watching out for the signature taste of her distress.

Do you love surprises as much as I do? I quite hope that you do, for this will be a wonderful surprise!

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** i love surprises as long as i know the person will like them

like i dont want to scare anyone or make anyone feel pressured into doing anything that they dont want to

you know like with those public marriage proposals

where you feel like you have to say yes because everyones watching

those are horrible

but this one…

you know nanny, and youre telling me that shell love it,

and i trust you

so i know that this one

WILL

BE   
AMAAAAAAAAZING!!!!!!!


	52. The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waiting for daytime and Nanny, Heck, in Aziraphale's bookshop, can't sleep. She meets Aziraphale's Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.

Several hours later, Aziraphale had magicked Heck and her luggage to his Soho bookshop. She had set up a comfy nest in the back room and miraculously adjusted to the local time zone, but she still couldn’t sleep. 

Her entire self was a moth hovering around a Nanny light bulb. There was an awful lot going on in that metaphor (possibly too much), but Heck had chosen it for a reason. The light bulb promised warmth and illumination, but what if she was missing something? What if she was too glamoured by its shininess to see some disappointing truth? What if she threw herself at it and spontaneously combusted from too many wuvs? What if she was too much for Nanny? What if Nanny was too much for her?

Heck crept through the store, looking for Aziraphale. A general low light, as if from invisible candles, showed her the way between bookcases that loomed like battlements and stacks that leaned like crumbling towers. A soft smell of worn leather, old pages, and deep comfort surrounded her. Heck thought that Aziraphale surely had a precise and comprehensive system for organizing his special collections with cash register. In the dimness, however, it seemed that he had amassed books with the goal of making them into a castle of knowledge where you’d gladly lose yourself.

“Dad?” Heck called. It just slipped out, and she clapped her hand over her mouth much too late. She should probably call him by his name, right? They were both adults; besides, that’s what she had called him the first time. 

But...things were different now. Now he’d moved Heaven and Earth and several time zones for them to be together. Now she knew that he wanted her so much that he’d accomplish the impossible on her behalf. Now he was someone that loved her the way that she thought that a dad should love his kid. Now, quite simply, he was her dad.

Rounding a corner, Heck came upon her Angeldad reading aloud to a tree. Adorably enough, he was using his wings — pulled from Uncertainty Space and partly unfolded — by which to see. Actually, he was reading aloud to the Tree — the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, a cutting of which Nanny had donated for his shop. Seated on a stool, with reading glasses low on his upturned nose, he bent his body sideways toward the Tree as if showing it the illustrations. And — yes, it was true! — the Tree curved down toward him, as if following along with its leaves.

The Tree, which, according to Nanny, had begun life as a mere potted cutting, formed an inextricable part of the shop. Having abandoned its pot, it now sank roots, surrounded by mulch of old books, directly into the floorboards. In size and form, the Tree reminded Heck of an apple tree — low, short-trunked, with winding branches — even though it was not precisely an apple tree. 

In fact, the Tree was not just one sort of tree, but all fruit trees ever, moment by moment. It smelled of oranges, and its fruit turned round and dimpled. It smelled of dates, and its leaves stretched out long and frond-like. It smelled of pomegranates, and its branches became spiky. Its perfume and its appearance changed constantly, as if it would take the shape of whatever someone dreamed it to be.

“Dad!” Heck tried again. No reply. “Angeldad!” He kept reading. “Aziraphale!”

Both Aziraphale and the Tree sprang upright. Aziraphale’s wings popped open more, and he caught his reading glasses from slipping off his nose. “Oh! Oh, you mean — you mean me!”

“Well, the Tree’s sure not my dad.”

“Terribly sorry, sweetheart. I was just a bit, er, caught up.”

“Does the Tree like bedtime stories? Eeek!” Approaching her Angeldad, Heck squealed out of surprise when the Tree brushed some leaves directly against her face. She had the feeling that, like a dog, it was familiarizing itself with her.

“It likes anytime stories!”

“What is tonight’s story?”

Aziraphale bookmarked his place, then showed the dust jacket of the book to Heck.  _ “Apple of My Eye: Fruitful Images in Western Art and Literature. _ It’s  _ very  _ interested. Over the past few nights it has already developed some apple-like blossoms. It changes form, you know, according to what it’s been learning about. Did you know that the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil was  _ not _ an apple?” Her Angeldad, his finger in the air, looked like he was about to lecture Heck on the subject.

“Well, yeah. You’ve got one right there, very obviously growing things that aren’t apples. I think I was told in Sunday school that it was an apple, though — before they evicted me from Sunday school, that is. Of course, that made no sense to me. Why would God say,  _ Don’t eat this yummy, delicious, nutritious fruit that can be used in all sorts of recipes?” _

“I, for one, suspect that the association of this Tree and the apple was a Latin pun.” Aziraphale patted the Tree’s trunk. “In Latin, apples are  _ mala. _ So are evils.”

“So is Mala!”

“Indeed. She likes evil, apples, and puns, evil apples, apple puns, and evil puns, so I just started calling her that.” 

“You call her  _ the apple of your eye, _ right? Right?”

“All the time,” said Aziraphale, watching as the Tree curled its branches around Heck. “Oh look — it likes you! It’s probably curious. Heaven knows we’ve wondered and thought and speculated enough about you around it.”

“Uh, hi, Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.” Heck waved at the trunk. “I’m Hecate Frances Ashtoreth Dowling, formerly known as Warlock, but I usually go by Heck. It’s nice to meet you. Nanny’s very proud of you, you know. She bragged about you to me in a letter.”

With an excited rustle of leaves, the Tree let fall one of its fruits into Heck’s open palm. “Well!” said Aziraphale. “It’s never done that before!”

“Heyyyyy!” Heck smirked up at the Tree. “Did you just tempt me?”

The Tree’s foliage moved in something suspiciously like an innocent shrug.

“I can see why Crowley favors this particular plant,” murmured Aziraphale. “It has just his temperament.” 

“So if I eat this — ?” Heck contemplated the fruit in her hand.

“I truly don’t know what would happen,” Aziraphale admitted. “Crowley in any form would certainly know. But this is an extremely educated and curious Tree, so you’re bound to have some kind of philosophical epiphany.”

“Thanks for the fruit,” Heck said to the Tree, holding it up. “I’m gonna save it for later.” Then she realized that, if Nanny was coming to objurgate plants the next day, she might talk to the Tree. “Hey, Tree? It’s gonna be a surprise for Nanny that I’m here. She’s not supposed to know. So if you talk to her, don’t tell her I’m here, okay?”

The Tree flourished its branches enthusiastically. 

  
“Hmmm, I’m reasonably certain that was an affirmative,” said Aziraphale. With a grin, he settled back onto his stool. Setting aside  _ Apple of My Eye,  _ he picked up another book and opened it on his lectern. 


	53. A Bloom of Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale feels Heck's wuvs, and they confuse him. Heck has to explain.

Heck watched her Angeldad read. As he hunched over, paging through the book, his partially closed wings flexed and glowed. They shivered with little involuntary movements of enjoyment like the reflection of the sun on rippling water. He was reading by his own light. His eyes, as pale blue as sparks, scanned the page before him intently. He looked like a happy candle.

Something broke inside Heck at that moment. If she had genderfluids, they probably would have sloshed and changed. As it was, a spilling wash of warmth, a hot flood, poured down the interior of her being, sending prickles up on her arms. For the first time since they had reunited, she saw Aziraphale, really saw him. He was made of fierceness and perfectionism and intensity and joy, and of course she had chosen him for her Angeldad. How could she have resisted? She couldn’t have. And yet there was a miracle here just the same — the fact that this strange shining person, one of the most and least human at the same time, had decided to love  _ her, _ Heck.

Aziraphale sat bolt upright and met Heck’s eyes. “Oh!” he said, his own gaze seemingly unfocused. 

“Um?” said Heck. At that moment, the thing that had broken inside her gave a deep throb.

Aziraphale literally brightened. “Love,” he said softly. “Sweetheart, I just felt from you — love.” “Love!” he said again, blinking rapidly. “Such — such — such  _ love! _ Adoration and awe and...and...and...gratitude!” He rose, his wings opening more widely. 

“Uh... _ yeah,” _ croaked Heck.

“And wonder!” Aziraphale clapped his hands together, then wound them round and round one another. Heck watched his wiggles with some curiosity to see if he would levitate, but he remained on the floor for the moment. “Such love! This is quite — so — too — very — most — wonderfully —  _ lovely! _ My shop!” he cried, closing his eyes. “I’m so glad,” he said with a sniffle, opening his eyes, “that you love my shop — books —  _ knowledge! _ — as much as I do.” And yes — there it was! His wings sort of vibrated, and he was lifting from the carpet in pure ecstasy.

“But...it’s...you,” Heck stammered. Aziraphale wasn’t listening. He was very distinctly about ten — twelve — fifteen centimeters from the ground. “The shop is great!” she said, cranking up her volume.

“Oh yes, I know!”

“But that’s not what I love.”

“Oh?” Opening his eyes, Aziraphale bobbled in the air. He caught his balance with a sweep of his wings that brought several hardcovers off an upper shelf. “But you — But I — But we — But this — Mary Poppins — Amelia Bedelia — Pandemonium — “

“I…” Heck gulped. “I love  _ you.” _

“I’m sorry?”

“I love  _ you!” _ Heck cried. 

Aziraphale suddenly fell. He landed smack on his ass. One of his wings clipped a stack of books on a table as he descended. A book bonked Aziraphale’s head, but he barely flinched. All his attention — his staring eyes, his gaping mouth — focused on Heck. “You what?” 

“I love  _ you, _ Aziraphale, Francis, St. Francis of a Sissy, southern pansy, Ezra Fell, my Angeldad.”

This  _ I love you! / Huh? _ volley endured for several rounds until the puzzling term finally penetrated Aziraphale’s skull, entered his brain, and associated with the reference point of his life. “Oh. Oh — like Crowley does!” he exclaimed.

“Ahhhhhh,  _ no.” _

“No?”

“No. Definitely not. You and him are… Well, you’re ineffable spouses. You do stuff with each other that I  _ definitely  _ don’t want to do with you. Besides, you two are partners, and you and me are more like parent and child.”

Heck’s elaboration allowed Aziraphale to connect the baffling term  _ love _ to several others. Unfortunately, his associations made no sense to Heck. “Oh yes, yes, of course!” He nodded, his hands wheeling faster and faster around one another.  _ “Eros _ and  _ philia _ as opposed to  _ agape _ and  _ storge. _ Yes, that makes quite a bit of sense now, doesn’t it?”

“No,” said Heck. “Can you tell me what those words mean?”

“Oh, the Ancient Greeks,” said Aziraphale with a wave of his hands, “had different words for different types of love.  _ Eros, _ which you are no doubt familiar with because it forms the root for English terms such as  _ erotic, _ refers to intimate love and the appreciation of beauty.”

“Yeah, well, you two definitely have that.”

_ “Philia _ is a close affectionate bond based on equality, loyalty, and — ahem.” Aziraphale coughed. “—Shared virtue,” he said in a slightly lower tone of voice, as if his virtuous status (or, more likely, Crowley’s) might be in doubt.

“Or maybe a shared concept of virtue,” Heck offered, “even when it disagrees with Heaven’s or Hell’s. You and Crowley totally have that.”

“Hm! Well, thank you, sweetheart. I never — Hm! I never really thought of it that way before. Um, anyway,  _ agape _ and  _ storge _ are words for love as well, but they have, erm, differences of power built in.  _ Storge  _ is the love of parents for children.  _ Agape _ is, in a Christian sense, God’s unconditional love for Her creations.”

Heck the witch rolled her eyes. “C’mon! This is a Jesus-free zone here.”

“He vomited on Crowley. Did you hear that one?”

“Yeah, that’s the only kind of Jesus story I want to hear. And the moral of that one was — no matter how much you think the carpenter’s kid needs to broaden his horizons, do not just literally pick him up and say,  _ Hey, let’s go see the kingdoms of the world! _ and then fly around like an airplane that hasn’t even been invented yet!”

“Ah yes, the Parable of the Speed Demon — truly pertinent knowledge for our times. You know — I held him once, shortly after he was born.”

“If this is another barfing story, I think I’ll pass.”

“No.” Aziraphale shook his head and murmured something with a smirk.

“What’s that?”

“Came out the other end.” Aziraphale chuckled.

Heck rolled her eyes hugely. “Ah, right then. So —  _ agape _ and  _ storge.” _

“Yes.”

“Yes. — Which is to say, I love you, even though your sense of humor is hecking gross.”

“Awwww, thank you, sweetheart. I love you as well, very, very, very dearly.” As Aziraphale interlaced his fingers at his chest, his wings spread almost fully and incandesced.

Heck felt like a moth again. His warmth thrummed against her skin like a caress of sunlight. If only his arms were around her, matching that warmth with the wrap of a hug… “Um, Dad?”

“Yes?”

“I know you’re not a huggy person and that we didn’t hug when we first met, but...can I...like...hug you now, please?”

“Oh. Well.” Aziraphale’s wings sank. “I’m not very — I usually — I just — I embrace — “

“Do you like need to get to know people first?”

Aziraphale sighed. “Yes, sweetheart, that’s exactly it. I don’t believe that my ineffable spouse and I really began touching each other until… Why, it wasn’t really until we moved to Upper Tadfield.” He laughed. “It only took slightly over six thousand years! Even then, I — I prefer to touch with my eyes.”

Heck remembered her first reunion with Aziraphale and Crowley in Dunkin Donuts. Aziraphale did all sorts of things for Crowley — righting his chair when he fell off it, throwing away his coffee when he knocked it over, getting him another one — but, now that she thought about it, there was very little touching. His hands hovered over Crowley, swooping and diving, but never quite landing. 

She tried to square this with their repeated references to  _ subduing _ each other, which seemed to involve physical suppression. Perhaps they weren’t actually sitting on each other, just subduing each other magically. Anyway, given the way that Aziraphale watched Crowley in Dunkin Donuts, she knew exactly what he meant about  _ touching with his eyes. _

“Oh, okay. I get it,” said Heck. She did understand. She still wanted a hug, though. “I don’t know if this is possible, but is there any way we could, um, be physically closer?” she asked in a low voice. 

Aziraphale thought for a while, one of his wings bouncing, his head nodding to the side. “Well,” he said eventually, stowing his wings back in Uncertainty Space, “when you were younger, you used to like to squish between me and Nanny when we read to you. I...I...don’t think I would mind if you did that. Yes! Yes, in fact,” he said, waggling his finger, as he sat on a loveseat, “I think I might quite like that.” He patted the cushion next to him in invitation.

Heck sat next to him. She aligned her right leg against his left. He was bobbing his leg; she felt the muscles flex within. “Is this — Is this okay?”

“Oh yes,  _ yes,” _ Aziraphale assured her. He jigged his leg faster as he matched his left shoulder against hers. With his hands slapping light beats on his thighs, he said, almost to himself, “Oh yes, this is  _ much _ better than hugging. My hands — you see — are very sensitive, and hugging is too — “ He squinched his mouth, trying to think of a word. “—Too loud for them. Crowley can hug me because...well, he’s the one who hugs me, so it’s never too loud. No.” He shook his head with a small smile. “He holds me very tight, just like I like, and he’s never too loud with his hands. And this way, with you and me side by side,” he continued, waving a hand back and forth between them, “we can touch, but without being too loud.”

“Ohhhhh,” said Heck with a falling and then a rising note. Hugging as she liked it was obviously overwhelming for Aziraphale; it attacked all his senses by coming on from the front, demanding his eyes, his ears, his sense of smell, his hands. He preferred to engage with the world on his own terms. By contrast, when Heck pushed up against him from the side, he felt her without seeing her  _ and _ hearing her _ and _ holding her. This more measured approach was safer for him.

Heck leaned against her Angeldad. He was warm and soft and bulky, like an old round tree, but one as twitchy and lively as the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. What Arugula called  _ his wiggles _ skittered throughout his body, rubbing up against Heck too with little twitches. Arugula had also said,  _ wiggles = wuvs. _ He was transmitting his love to her. “Oh!” said Heck again, that word catching in her throat. She laughed, but it came out as a strange, halting sound. “You’re wiggling because you’re so happy — just...so...very...happy.” Because you love me, she thought. Because you love me as much as I love you. Finally someone loves me as much as I’ve always wanted to be loved.

“Oh yes, oh yes!” said Aziraphale. “I’m more than happy. I’m jubilant, ecstatic, enraptured, overjoyed! You’re right here next to me, and soon, in just a few short hours, our family will be all together again!” Turning his head, he ducked his chin and winked one blue eye at her. “You might say that it’s the fruition of my ineffable plan.” He chuckled.

“I...I...I love you,” muttered Heck. “I...I…” It was all too much. She was warm, and she was safe, and she was happy, and she was loved. “I love you,” she said again because those were the only words remotely adequate to her feelings.

“Yes, I know. And I love you too, sweetheart.” Falling silent, he continued to wiggle, but somehow almost meditatively. He smiled down at his playing hands. The same awed, slightly elsewhere look returned to his face that she had seen whenever he watched Crowley in Dunkin Donuts.

_ Just a few short hours… _ Heck echoed Aziraphale’s phrase in her head. Then she realized its implications. In just a few short hours, she’d see Nanny again. “Nanny,” she whispered, a word that chilled her skin. Would she see Nanny, though? What if — ? “Angeldad, what if — what if Nanny comes, but then changes and — ?” She couldn’t say  _ leaves. _

“Well, then call her back,” said Aziraphale simply. “You’ve summoned her before, so just do so again. Ask her to stay, and she will. She’ll do anything for you, sweetheart.”

Would she?


	54. The Sprout Is Here!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nannnnnnnnnnnyyyyyyyy! She's talking to the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, and she has no idea what it's telling her.

“Well, hello there, beautiful,” said a sweet, low voice, which, as it curled around Heck, seemed to be propelled by a partly suppressed laugh. “I see you’ve been enjoying yourself.”

_Nanny!_ Heck didn’t think the word so much as she felt it — in the chills across her skin, in the heat moving down her body. She rocketed to her feet. After all sorts of late-night dithering with her Angeldad, she’d caught a few hours of sleep eventually, but apparently it hadn’t been enough. She’d breakfasted in the back room and showered at Newt and Anathema’s house, then tucked herself in a plantless alcove of special collections to wait for her Hellmom. As the yielding cushions of her (probably antique) overstuffed chair enveloped her, she had fallen asleep with _The Complete Illustrated Adventures of Mary Poppins_ as a pillow. Now she’d accidentally wrinkled a page (and, more embarrassingly, drooled on it slightly), and someone was about to mock her for crimes against books.

She glanced about. There was no one else in the alcove, a space the size of two closets blocked off from the main special collections by two two-meter-high bookcases (one labeled _Grand Passions I_ , the other _Mediocre Passions)._ Smoothing out the fold in the page and trying to blot the drool away, she wondered where her Hellmom was and who she was talking to.

“I’m pleased to see that my ineffably silly spouse had enough sense to remove you from your pot and let you run rampant,” Nanny continued, and a rustling answered her. She laughed in response. “Oh, you replanted yourself of your own volition? How devilishly clever of you. I don’t suppose that you were at all inspired by my reading of _Floral Liberation,_ were you? No, you couldn’t have been.”

Heck peeked around the corner of the _Mediocre Passions_ bookcase and, for the first time in nine or so years, beheld Nanny. Cradled closely in the branches of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, she wound one long arm around its trunk, tilting her face up toward its crown, as if the Tree were her dance partner. Everything about her form was black and twining, except for her face, which was a sharp slice of pale brightness ignited by the golden gladness that shone from her serpentine eyes. Heck chewed on her lip as tears blurred her vision. She hadn’t remembered that Nanny was so...beautiful.

The Tree said something in a susurration of leaves. 

“What’s that? A secret?” Nanny stood at attention. She listened and then laughed. “Well, if you’ve been specifically enjoined not to tell me, then why are you telling me? —Because it’s fun? Of course it’s fun to break the rules! So,” she said in a lower voice, “what’s the secret?”

Heck realized at that moment that she should have never trusted that sneaky little Tree. It knew that she was here, and she had asked it to keep that news from Nanny. It was going to tell her everything, though, and then — Nanny — Hellmom — she wasn’t ready — 

Heck had guessed correctly. She had not, however, counted on a) the unique idiom of the Tree and b) Nanny’s occasional ineffable obtuseness. The Tree told Nanny everything, but not in humanoid terms. As far as Heck could discern from Nanny’s remarks, the Tree said something like, “The sprout is here — the little sprout that you didn’t plant, but that you gardened all while she was a shoot! Now she’s in the back room, and she wants to put down roots with you.”

While the plant metaphor was screamingly obvious to Heck, Nanny missed it completely. “What are you talking about? All my plants are in my house or my garden. No, sorry — I can’t stay and talk. Objurgation calls!” She walked off with an undulant sway that seemed all the more elegant for being hobbled by the narrowness of her skirt. Heck had an unspecified reprieve, but that didn’t diminish her panic.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two more chapters to go, folks! If you like what's going on here, consider the following:
> 
> \--Follow me on Tumblr: [@modernwizard](http://modernwizard.tumblr.com)
> 
> \--Check out other creative projects on [Powers of Creation](http://oddpla.net/modernwizard)
> 
> \--Let me know if you'd read a sequel about 40-year-old Heck summoning the actual Ashtoreth, Nanny keeping embarrassing [?] skeletons in her closet, and Aziraphale being a secret badass


	55. The Spectacularly Silly Snake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You thought Crowley was mean to his plants, didn't you? Well, that was because you didn't hear what Nanny says to them... Nanny objurgates all of Aziraphale's plants and Aziraphale, while alarming the poop out of Heck. Aziraphale then tells Nanny some important news, which alarms the poop out of her. Aziraphale calms her with a story, and Hecks feels so many WUVS that she can't move. So! Many! Wuvs!

_ Objurgation, _ Heck soon decided, was the wrong word. According to the dictionary, objurgations were  _ a harsh reprimand or criticism. _ She remembered receiving them from Nanny when she threw her infamous temper tantrums of stubbornness. Nanny sat her down and told her that she was extremely disappointed in her because she knew that they had discussed much more constructive ways of dealing with your feelings when you were upset. Screaming at people, throwing yourself to the floor, and breaking people’s stuff only told people you were an immature person who shouldn’t be taken seriously. It was perfectly okay to do some raging and stamping in private if you were really upset, but taking it out on other people was mean and selfish. 

Now, Nanny said, she knew that Heck wanted to be mature and taken seriously and good and kind. So did Heck need some help figuring out how to be upset while also being mature, taken seriously, etc.? Heck always shriveled up with shame during the first part of the lecture, but the second part always made her feel better. They talked about writing in your diary or drawing a picture of your dad and then stabbing it into pieces with scissors or going back to your mom later and saying that you thought that was really unfair and maybe she could do something different or even realizing that you were really angry at something completely different and figuring out what to do about that. Then Heck did those things and felt much better than she had when throwing a fit.

Objurgations, in Heck’s experience, felt horrible while you were listening to them — harsh and critical — but they were helpful, even constructive. Of all the means of discipline that Heck had experienced in her life, she found Nanny’s objurgations most beneficial. They taught you what you had done wrong, but also, more importantly, how to be better.

Nanny was doing none of that to the plants of special collections. “Stand up, you miserable wretch!” she snapped at some innocent, shuddering piece of flora in a voice that made Heck want to hide under her covers, even though she wasn’t in bed. “I want to see how you’ve failed me today.” Nope, no objurgation here — just denunciation, humiliation, and degradation.

“You call that a flower? That’s not a flower. It’s a cancer, a gall, a blight, a wart!” Her voice sliced through the air like gardening shears, snipping and snapping the unfortunate object of her wrath down into the pathetic good-for-nothing that she believed it to be. Her pumps popped sharply off the hardwood floor as she strode on to her next victim.

Heck, slightly worried that Nanny might yell at her like that, decided to wait till the tirade was over before announcing herself. Her Hellmom covered the entire store in her circuit of criticism. Then she pinned Aziraphale up against the front counter — just a short distance across the shop from Heck’s alcove — and started in on him. “Well now — I must say that I’m quite taken aback. I never expected anyone of your unmitigated inadequacy to surprise me, much less impress me, but you have.” She glared at him, the yellow in her eyes going cool and sulfurous.

“Are you quite done yet, my dear?” Aziraphale, feigning nonchalance, checked his pocket watch. “Because I have something to tell — “

“Lisssssten to me!” Nanny invaded Aziraphale’s personal space with a hiss that could loosen your bladder. “I hadn’t considered the possibility that you would prove yourself this much of a gardening disaster so quickly and so absolutely after my last visit, but congratulations,” she said, returning to sarcasm. “You’ve sunk to new lows.”

“No — wait — seriously — guess who’s — ?”

“You’ve somehow killed everything, brought it back to life, and then killed it so dead that you might as well have salted the earth.”

“My supremely stubborn, supremely silly, and supremely oblivious lady…” said Aziraphale. He flickered his hands up around the back of Nanny’s neck and pulled her head down to his level. They stood with foreheads touching. 

“Shut,” said Aziraphale both sharply and sweetly, “up.” He put one of his hands on either of Nanny’s cheeks and kissed her so hard that he seemed to either be breathing life into her or sucking it from her. 

Nanny’s eyes popped wider, then drifted half closed in satisfaction, but only for a moment. Pulling Aziraphale from her, she held him before her with a fistful of collar and bow tie in one hand. She adjusted her glasses (which hadn’t been skewed in the least) with her free hand. “Trying to dissstract me, are you? Ssssuch a naughty boy. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you wanted disssscipline.”

“I’m an extremely undisciplined individual,” said Aziraphale with a grin. He tried to shrug, but couldn’t do it very well because Nanny was drawing him up on his tiptoes. “Just look at the state of my shop: moribund plants and disorganized books everywhere! If you came over more frequently to whip things into shape, we wouldn’t have this problem.”

“If you weren’t such a messsy, sssslovenly persssssson, we wouldn’t have thissss problem.”

“Ah yes, but then you’d have no one to objurgate, humiliate, and remediate. You wouldn’t know what to do with yourself. Poor Nanny!” said Aziraphale with a simper. “Listen! I wanted to tell you something, but I couldn’t slip a word in edgewise.”

“Thissss had better be exxxxxtremely important.”

“It is.” Aziraphale’s eyes glinted, his smile growing rather smirky with the thought of one-upping Nanny. “Our daughter’s here, darling,” he whispered. All the smugness fell from his face as he indulged himself in a wide grin, so strong that it pushed his eyes closed. For a moment, the motes of book dust turned into sparks of (heavenly?) light, whirling and lifting him on the strength of his own joy. 

“Oh!” Nanny dropped Aziraphale — and her roleplay — with a thunk. He landed against the counter and knocked off a stack of books. “But…” she said. “I’m not...prepared…”

“Dear heart, I know you’re scared.”

“Inaccurate,” she said with a little sniffing laugh. “I’m petrified with dread. Transfixxxxed with terror.”

“Well, if you still have your dry wits about you, you can’t be totally lost. But why, dear heart, why? Tell me why you’re terrified.” Aziraphale came closer to her. His hands darted by her face, moths to the flame, as if he sought to touch her.

And perhaps he did touch her somehow, though his fingers never alit, for Nanny sighed then as if he were holding her. She clutched her hands in front of her and looked down. “I’ve never done thisssss before with anyone but you. You’re the only perssssson who’s sssseen all of me, known all of me, and acccccepted me.” The hiss in her voice, which had recently been the sibilance of a mocking sneer, now swept through her words with sadness.

_ Nanny! _ Heck felt that word with her entire self again. Her Hellmom was just like her. She wanted someone who knew her and loved her in all her forms. Heck exited her alcove, ready to step forward and tell Nanny that she did. As soon as she left the safety of her hiding place, though, she couldn’t move. The heat of her desire to speak with her mother burned her up from inside, and she hesitated, not wanting to be reduced to ash.

Shaking his head fondly, Aziraphale clicked his tongue once. “Now you’re the one who’s being inaccurate, Nanny. Let me tell you a story.”

He did, and it was a story that Heck had never heard before: the story of the ineffable spouses receiving Heck’s first letter to Nanny. One evening, the angel was, as always, Aziraphale, and the demon was Crowley. Aziraphale was enjoying a new misprinted Bible from his bookstore collection. In this version from 1818, the printers had been inconsistent with pronouns in the Song of Songs, allowing him to imagine any and all forms of his inevitable spouse as the subject. 

At the same time, Crowley was lounging on the couch (and, somehow, much of the accent rug, coffee table, and nearby armchair as well). He wanted to design appropriately Hellish shapes into which he could coerce his garden shrubbery. But he kept sketching hearts, rainbows, and shooting stars. He shuddered as a smiling sun wearing sunglasses issued from his pen. The angel must be  _ un _ corrupting him, he thought.

Raising his head to complain about Aziraphale’s insidiously good effects on him, Crowley saw scraps of paper flutter in through the open cottage window. Torn from a larger sheet into curling, confetti-like strips, they settled near his feet. “Oi, what’s this rubbish then?” he said, picking up a piece of paper and beginning to read. 

~~_ To Miss Ashtoreth: _ ~~

~~_ To Ms. Ashtoreth: _ ~~

~~_ To Nancy Ashtoreth: _ ~~

~~_ Hello, Ms. Ashtoreth! _ ~~

~~_ Hi, Nancy! _ ~~

~~_ Dear Nancy, _ ~~

_ Dear Nanny —  _

Aziraphale glanced up at Crowley’s exclamation and saw him scan one of the scraps. Of course, at this moment, Aziraphale had no idea what the scrap said. Whatever it was, its effect on Crowley was instantaneous.

Crowley’s form began to flicker, momentarily winking out, then winking in again. Sometimes, when he disappeared, he left a shadowy impression on the air, triangular, wide, and agitated, as of beating wings. Other times, in his brief absences, a turn of golden light remained, spiraling in a helix that seemed strong enough to hold the world.

Crowley kept his humanoid forms through conscious control and application of will. He rarely allowed his inhuman self to show through, except in moments of greatest intimacy and relaxation with Aziraphale. On occasion, though, something affected Aziraphale’s demon so deeply that he broke open and shone without being able to control it. 

Such a change happened infrequently, though. The last occurrence Aziraphale remembered was when he and Nanny said goodbye to their hellspawn, their daughter, their child, over nine years ago. Nanny did not cry — she was not a crying sort of person — but she broke and flickered and broke again, until she finally fell asleep from sheer exhaustion.

“Dear heart!” Aziraphale dashed to the couch and knelt before his demon. “What’s wrong?”

Aziraphale’s demon’s instability resolved. Crowley pulled himself together, gathering his sprawled-out limbs into a close, compact array. Aziraphale should really have known then that it wasn’t Crowley, but he didn’t recognize who it was until his demon’s head lifted. And there was Nanny, her eyes huge and glimmering and golden, smiling at him.

Aziraphale stared, not at his demon’s change, for he was used to that. No, he stared because now, apparently, Nanny was a crying sort of person. Tears trickled down her cheeks, one after the other, even as she blotted them away with the cuff of Crowley’s sleeve. “No, Aziraphale dear,” she said softly, “nothing’s wrong. In fact, everything’s right. It’ssss our hellsssspawn — our child — our  _ daughter. _ She ssssaw me. She knows me. She...loves me.” And she told Aziraphale what she had just read.

“Dear heart,” said Aziraphale to Nanny, back in the present, “our daughter knows who you are. She has seen all of you. She knows all of you. And she loves you, all of you.”

“Oh,” said Nanny, her voice suddenly lower, as if she really had forgotten all of that in her fear until Aziraphale reminded her.

“Besides,” Aziraphale went on, as Nanny smoothed her hair into place (though it wasn’t out of place), “you’ve always been prepared for Heck. Well, not technically always, of course, since you haven’t known her forever, but, since the moment you first laid eyes on our daughter, you were prepared. Don’t you remember what you said?”

Nanny straightened her neck.  _ “That,” _ she said, quoting herself with her usual snap of authority,  _ “is  _ my _ child.” _

Aziraphale nodded. “Just so, my dear. You decided that she was yours, and she decided that you were hers, and you loved each other and became a part of each other’s hearts. You’ve always been prepared, Nanny, because you’ve always been Heck’s mother, and she’s always been your daughter.  _ Our _ daughter, of course,” he said, nodding to the side and smiling, “but it’s quite clear that she loves her mother best.”

“Well!” said Nanny, and she was smiling too. “Where is she then?”

Aziraphale laughed and indicated over Nanny’s shoulder. “Right behind you, my spectacularly sweet and silly snake.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're comin' down to the wire, folks, and it's been a wild ride. Survey time: I've got bunches of ideas for Heck's continuing adventures. How does "the time that Heck summoned Ligur and Hastur for the ostensible purpose of taking vengeance on Thaddeus J. Asshole XVI, but then shenanigans ensued" sound? Previously mentioned adventure of Heck summoning Ashtoreth will also eventually occur...


	56. The End of the Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck meets Nannyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...and her future.

Heck intended to cry out happily. However, her ability to produce vowels abandoned her in her time of need. Furthermore, tears were dripping down her sinuses into the back of her throat, where Nanny’s name was lodged. The word sponged up Heck’s tears and swelled in size. “Nrrrk!” said Heck instead.

“Hello, child.” Nanny swiveled to regard Heck. Her voice was the same as Crowley’s (though lower and evener). But Crowley tended to cough, hum, click his tongue, blow through his teeth, and otherwise modulate his speech with various interjections when he had something to say, but lacked the words. By contrast, Nanny spoke as if she had created her sentences in advance and stored them in one of her cut glass thought boxes. Then, when she needed her sentences, she set them free in measured, finely crafted chains.

As she walked toward Heck in a gliding sweep, Nanny pressed an index finger to the bow of her sunglasses, lowering them slightly on her nose. For just a moment, Heck caught sight of Nanny’s eyes, as bright as golden fireworks, and she shivered. 

It wasn’t a sneak peek of the real Nanny so much as it was an acknowledgment. The burning, inhuman light inside Heck’s demon flared up, stamping Heck’s own eyes with a shimmering, shadowy afterimage: a seal of approval. Nanny was looking at Heck to signify that she was most definitely Heck’s Hellmom, which made Heck most definitely her hellspawn. All the playful nicknames that they had written to each other shriveled away as Heck realized that this strange, powerful, disconcerting person had basically decided that Heck belonged to her. 

Heck wanted to say Hi, Hellmom, but she still had no vowels. “Hgggk,” she replied.

Nanny stopped in front of her and looked at her with head cocked. Heck suddenly realized another contrast between the two humanoid versions of her demon. Crowley’s features always stretched, squinched, and scintillated rather frenetically. Nanny’s expression changed all the time as well, but her restrained movements flowed seamlessly into each other. In serpentine terms, Crowley’s eyebrows vibrated with the excitement of snakes who had eaten a two-kilo package of chocolate-covered coffee beans in ten seconds. Nanny’s eyebrows slid with the replete satisfaction of snakes who were settling down to digest recently engulfed prey. 

“It’ssss been a long time,” said Nanny softly, her lips shaking slightly. Heck realized that she hissed either when she was pretending to be upset (at Aziraphale for his floral abuse) or when she was actually overcome with emotion. It was like the sound equivalent of all her golden light spilling through, and it was kind of adorable. “Much too long.” Her mouth turned slowly upward into a long, wide smile as she looked carefully at Heck. 

Even when Nanny was pleased, she still seemed like she might eat you or, at the very least, put out her forked tongue to taste your fear. After all these years, a fleet cold tingle still ran around under Heck’s skin. But now it was a delicious quivery enjoyment, since Nanny, in adopting Heck, had conferred upon her demonic powers by proxy.

“Well,” Nanny said with a single small nod after a few seconds, “I’m glad to ssssee how much you take after your mother.” The arch of an individual eyebrow left no doubt that Nanny was referring to herself and not Heck’s biological mom.

Because of her very limited and biased sample, Heck considered taking after your [demonic] mother as shorthand for cool, powerful, witty, sexy, charismatic, and, most of all, gifted with great insight and the ability to do the right thing, even in extremity. Thus Nanny’s comment was the best compliment that Heck had ever received. Pride at being Nanny’s very own hellspawn mounted inside Heck, warmer and warmer, like brightening light.

Heck wanted to thank Nanny, so she quickly checked to see if any of her vowels had returned. One had, but it wasn’t much use, permitting only a strangled squeal: “Eeeeeee!”

“However,” Nanny went on, the reflections on her lenses flashing mischievously, “your acquaintanccccce with Crowley ssssseems to have affected your verbal faccccility.”

Heck, tired of making weird noises, thought she would be more dignified if she nodded. However, she sniffled at the same time and coughed on all the snot that she sniffled. The overall result was explosive, viscous, and lacking in decorum.

Reaching into her purse, Nanny unfolded a handkerchief with a flick of her wrist and held it out to Heck. The handkerchief was of black, finely draped cotton, with a border of embroidered horned skulls. Heck made a face at Nanny, wondering why the handkerchief had appeared. She hadn’t sneezed or sprayed snot anywhere, just made a gross noise.

“Well, you are going to hug me,” said Nanny, even though Heck hadn’t been planning on it, “and I have no interest in your bodily fluids on my clothes.” As Heck gulped, Nanny snapped the handkerchief at her. “Well? Make yourself presentable.”

“Yes, Nanny,” said Heck automatically, finally finding her voice. She blew her nose, then realized she had just responded to Nanny as if she were still six years old. She and Nanny passed each other a momentary look. Then they both burst out laughing.

“My dear — damnable — daughter!” Nanny said, with short gasps between words. “Oh, come here already!” She held out her arms to Heck.

Used to being much shorter and clinging to Nanny’s legs, Heck took a tentative step. Now that she was nearly equal to Nanny’s height, she didn’t know what to do with her hands. She might crush this narrow, wiry person in her arms if she held her as hard as she wanted to. She encircled Nanny’s waist without really touching her and gingerly interlaced her hands behind Nanny’s waist.

“Come now, child.” Laughter was thrumming in Nanny’s voice. “Do you think you might break me? Demons don’t break. They blaze.”

She was right. She pulled Heck to her chest, holding her close, and Heck immediately warmed. Even though she was a cold-blooded serpent, Nanny was still a being with a core of light — indeed, fire. That fire reached through Nanny’s flesh and seared into Heck. Twisting and curling, the inevitable hot light wrote itself inside her with strokes of a pen that she felt from the inside out, changing her in ways that she didn’t fully recognize.

Nanny held onto Heck sweetly, tightly, breast against breast, arm against spine. Heck felt, rather than saw, how her demon changed bodily form along with gender. It was a matter of rectilinearity and curves. Crowley’s body was rectilinear — two narrowly set parallel lines — but his limbs were loose, his step rolling. He moved in soft, sloping curves. Nanny’s body curved the way that Crowley walked, with soft harmonious lines and luxurious voluptuousness. Though she moved with the same rolling gait, it was shortened, sharpened, and controlled so that she swayed with the geometric exactitude of a pendulum on a short arc. 

“I missed this,” said Heck, squeezing Nanny as hard as she could. She began to cry. “I missed you. I missed you,” she whispered, “my Nanny, my mom.”

“Child!” said Nanny. Heck, with her eyes closed, didn’t see anything, but she felt something as Nanny flickered: the merest of absences, then a soft dark touch of something that was solid and yet not. “Wicked, wicked hellsssspawn,” she said, “making me cry! I missssed you too, child. I misssssed you, my dear, my daughter.”

“Well?” said Aziraphale. Heck jumped away from Nanny, suddenly remembering that her Angeldad was there too. But he wasn’t talking to Heck. Instead he was looking at Nanny with his eyebrows up. “You see? Heck adores you! And now, my dear, darling, dopey demoness, I am vindicated. Concede to me that I was right — as always.” His attempt at arrogant superiority was undercut by the fact that he was happily sniffling and wringing his hands.

Heck looked between her parents. Her Hellmom, lips pursed, tried to look severe and self-righteous, but the impression was erased when she flickered for a nanosecond into a seething shape of light. Her Angeldad wasn’t faring much better. He was trying to seem smug, but his goofy grin looked like it might hop off his face and hover in the air before him. His face was red, his eyelids fluttering rapidly as he tried to blink all the tears from them. Yup, thought Heck, these two doofuses, half serious, half silly, all joy, and full of WUVS, were definitely hers. 

“Awwww, you guys — you two — you people — you doofuses!” She flung her arms around her Hellmom and gave her Angeldad a quick gesture of a clenching fist to signify that she was holding his hand ineffably. “I love you so, so much! I love you, Hellmom. I love you, Angeldad.”

“My dear girl,” said Aziraphale, “my dear Heck, I love you too.”

“Child!” exclaimed Nanny again. “I love you too.” She held Heck fiercely. 

“Wow… After so long,” murmured Heck, snuggling against them. “Finally an end to a long, long wait.”

“Well, yes, that’s certainly one perspective on the matter, my dear girl,” said Aziraphale. “Alternatively, we can always regard this moment as the beginning of our — our — new adventure.”

And then, with another flicker, Heck’s demon broke apart. The humanoid form dissolved, and a length of darkness, torn from the depths of space, appeared with wings of light-eating shadows: Mala the snake. Even though this was the longest that she had ever seen her demon in this form, Heck couldn’t get a fix on her. Mala was a serpent, but with scales as soft as feathers, and a winged being, but with feathers as smooth as scales. Layers of silken shadows made up her skin, and her core was a spinning strength of sharp golden light. 

Amidst all this shifting, one aspect held firm: Heck’s demon’s eyes. As yellow as the light within her bones, Mala’s eyes had no humanity in their angular shape and vertical pupils. But, just as Heck had told Nanny, demons are people too, and Heck knew this person. This was her demon, her wonderful, protective, loving, witty, doofusy demon. And she was her demon’s daughter.

Mala wound around Heck and Aziraphale, binding all three of them together, in light and in darkness, in angularity and in curves, in hardness and in softness, in fluidity and fixity. And that coil and the tender tightness in which it held the witch and the angel spoke more of love than human words could. Then Heck realized that she too had flesh of sweet shadows and a center of fierce light, and from both she derived her strength. She smiled proudly and turned toward the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we are at the end of the beginning. It's been an honor to have you along with your excitement, devotion, and emotional engagement. I never expected such popularity, and it's really rejuvenated my creative impulses. So...are you up for further adventures? Hope to see you around the comments sections of my other stuff!
> 
> Want more? I've got more [short stories](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1425712) following the adventures of Heck, her Hellmom, and her Angeldad! Bookmark the series. Recommend! Mostly, though, please comment. I run on comments, and I'm happily fueled for further work at the moment, but remember -- your interest and enthusiasm give me fuel...
> 
> Again, if you're interested, here's my Tumblr: [@modernwizard.](http://modernwizard.tumblr.com)
> 
> And here's my personal blog: [Powers of Creation.](http://oddpla.net/modernwizard)


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